What do you say kid?

Let's skip through the, "He said, she said... Bullsh*t." Anybody Fred Durst fans out there? Anybody having a nice Limp Bizkit day... maybe your are ready to just Break Stuff. Maybe your team is really just setting you off.... or maybe you are looking good, feeling good, doing good. If you are aren't I know a team that you can trade with and most likely - he will have a big week. 

A certain team (Check my Chubb) made a few moves and even more offers - I wish I could see the number of offers and counter offers made with Check my Chubb. What I do know is that, there were some triggers pulled on trade offers and if you didn't see - here is what went down this week (specifically with Check my Chubb)...

Trade 1 with Penias and Ferb

Check my Chubb traded: Drake Maye/Puka Nacua

Penias and Ferb traded: Patrick Mahomes/Tre Tucker/Emanuel Wilson

A) Check my Chubb wanted 2 things from this trade... a better QB and a starting RB. He also picked up a number 1 (on his team) wideout to replace Puka - who was a big question mark. There were even talks about Puka possibly going to IR or the injury being more sever than the Rams let on. All in all, Check my Chubb got what he wanted... although it did come at a price.

B) Penias was in the position to take the risk on two high quality players that were either having a really, really bad start to the season or were still injured. When you are in that position, it is hard to down the risk and after 1 week it looks promising - but you never know in the long run.

Trade 2 with My Team Sucks 

Check my Chubb traded Emanuel Wilson

My Team Sucks traded Kirk Cousins

A) To this day, I was not super sure what was happening here. The only thing that can make sense to me is the fact that maybe there was no trust in Daniel Jones. However, they wanted to keep Jones over Maye (who was struggling).

B) This is a no brainer deal for My Team Sucks - in this league RB's a liquid gold. Even if they are backups - but backups who are now starting?!? Boom baby. For the record, this team does not suck!

If you paid attention this week, Maye/Puka/Wilson all scored more than 25 point each - all players that Check my Chubb had traded. However, the hardest working GM in the league did secure a win this week!

Let's take a look at the update Power Rankings...

1st Quarter Power Rankings

1. Penias and Ferb (4-0) No Movement... 2-time and current belt winner, massively favored in many of the matchups. The only thing that is really working against this team is the fact that they may be cursed. This team is the Dan Marino of this league... most wins without ever winning the league championship.

2. Shough My Jeanty (3-1) Up 1 spot... It didn't take long for Shough to fire back up the engine and prove that it belongs near the top of the league (to be fair, he only dropped 1 spot). It is unique... this team is not necessarily built of big-time names (Penias is filled with those type of names) - instead this team is filled with sneaky good players that quietly score points and rack up wins.

3. My Team Sucks (3-1) Up 2 spots...This team has shot up the rankings in recent weeks and they are doing behind different players each week. The past 3 weeks they have not scored outside the top 5 points for each week, including finishing in the top 3 each of the past two weeks. It is not just getting wins against teams that aren't scoring points - it is also scoring points themselves.

4. Tuten My Horn (3-1) Down 2 spots... The top portion of the league involves a thin margin of error - first loss of the season and Tuten gets dropped 2 spots. They are still very clearly in the playoff hunt and they should remain there for the rest of the season. It is just crazy that we still have 5 teams with 1 loss or less and it means that each week could be a bit of a shake up with the rankings. 

5. Ertz/Eifert (3-1) Up 1 spot... If there was a team that has been given bulletin board material, it is Ertz/Eifert. This team is currently 3-1 and is sitting 3rd in the league for points scored. A survey of 100 people slated Ertz actually higher than this... but they have their chance coming up this week to prove that they should be the higher.

6. Mounsey Zombies (2-2) Down 1 spot... This is more from the injuries that were sustained than the loss this past week. Lamar was seen in a boot after the game and Saquon was hit with a hamstring injury and these two being out will hit this team hard. The bigger issue is the replacement for Lamar - is Jordan Love really the answer?

7. AR's Broken Finger (2-2) Up 6 spots... This is the issue when your league starts off with 5 teams that have one loss or less. You have a team that is .500 and they are nearly out of the playoffs. They do find themselves moving up and that is more thanks to getting a win and a slew of teams picking up their 3rd loss - keep getting wins when you can and anything can happen in the playoffs. 

8. The J-Bones (1-3) Up 4 spots... Is this the turn around for The J-Bones? Oddly enough, it took Schrader to score 16 points as a kicker and Famous Jameis throwing the ball to Malik Nabers. Maybe the Dart injury is going to be a good thing for Nabers - gunslingers always help out WR fantasy rankings. They find themselves in a big matchup this week - a much needed win would really help solidify their spot.

9. Cleveland Streamers (1-3) Down 2 spots... This is what happens when you only score 85 points and take the loss. Hey, at least you get to play Check my Chubb and they have their starting QB and RB out on bye. If a loss happens this week - that may spell disaster for the Streamers.

10. Factory of Sadness (2-2) Down 1 spot... For the past week the Chase injury benefitted Higgins - but now he is also dealing with an injury. On top of the Higgins, there is also an injury to Long Neck Ladd... which really puts Factory in a tough spot - thus to drop in the Power Rankings. The real downer of the situation is that they are now facing off against the top team in the league this week - which is going to put them in a rough spot 

11. Ankle Holster (1-3) No movement... We all know the story with this team - Allen and Bijan or bust. Obviously, the meta is not working since they are sitting at 1-3 and on the outside of the playoffs.  Maybe a move is in the works? Maybe we are just cashing it in and rooting for the Packers? Maybe we are just waiting for Josh Jacobs to get back and see if he can turn things around.

12. Check my Chubb (1-3). Up 2 spots... Holy BIG WIN!! All that work, running around, curated a win for the team. Now, it might look bad that they are probably taking a loss this week - but they are facing bye week issues... we will not get a good look at the roster for another week and see if the trades worked out in their favor.

13. Nailor? Hardly Know Her (1-3) Down 3 spots... Rashee Rice and Travis Etienne are both facing big injuries and this hurts this teams chance - Etienne is on the IR and Rice just looks banged up. The one positive thing for Rice is that Thornton just had a nasty injury and the Chiefs could end up force feeding him (assuming the don't sign Tyreek back).

14. Greatest Offense (1-3) Down 5 spots... It is not just that they took a loss... it is also that they scored the lowest point total while doing it. If JSN doesn't go for 40 on a given night - this team is going to struggle. The rookies did not pan out as they had hoped and now they are forced with the decision to trade and get more depth or just keep hoping JSN can massive weeks.

Week 5 Matchups
Matchup of the Week
Ertz/Eifert (3-1) v My Team Sucks (3-1)

Battle to Watch: Goff v Prescott.... these two QB's are playing for teams that have made the decision to just not playing any defense. This means that they now have to try and continue to score points and both have decent matchups against teams that have shown an inability to stop offenses as well. The winner of this face-off may very well be the winner of the matchup.

How Ertz wins: They beat up the NFC West... Goff and ARSB get to play the Cardinals, Kittle and Evans play the Seahawks, Bills DEF go against the Rams. The Seahawks is not the best matchup for Kittle and Evans.... but 2 weeks ago Marcus Mariota threw for 3 touchdowns - Kittle and Evans may be the beneficiary of something like that. Famous Jameis just threw for 3 touchdowns against the Cardinals and now Goff and ARSB get a chance - might be a big day for the Lions.

How My Team wins: Running Backs... who would have thought I would be saying that about Tuten and Emmanuel Wilson? Not this guy... but the Jags look nasty this year and Tuten is the lead back in that offense. Plus, Sunshine Lawrence is always willing to slide at the goal line to help a brotha out.

Prediction: Ertz/Eifert

Mystery Guest: Bluffton Tennis (Ertz/Eifert)

Penias and Ferb (4-0) v Factory of Sadness (2-2)

How Penias wins: Uhhhhh just do you honeyboo. Yeah, there have been a few times in this leagues history when trades and drastically altered the league Power Rankings. This is not one of them.... but it did make the gap between the "Have" and "Have Nots" that much larger for Penias. I don't see a world where this team is not predicted to win until there happens to be a massive bye week... which would be week 11. Until then... you know who is winning this matchup.

How Factory wins: Touchdowns. In order beat this team it is going to take an absolute dud from them or a lot of touchdowns from Factory. They have players with big play abilities that will have chances to score - but it is going to take multiple big plays from different players.

Prediction: Penias and Ferb

Mystery Guest: Bluffton Tennis (Factory of Sadness)

Greatest Offense (1-3) v Shough My Jeanty (3-1)

How GOTI wins: JSN scores 50 points. I am going to be honest - I don't have a lot faith in running backs. Love should be doing much better than he is - but somehow Arizona has found an offense with Brissett. I also don't trust Tate going against Houston - but also Houston has not played well in the secondary. Theoretically, Tate should be facing against Singletary and that is an unfriendly matchup when you have an "iffy" QB.

How My Jeanty wins: Players need to take advantage of their matchups. Buck Buck needs to take care of his matchup against Dallas - who has just decided to not stop anyone and just try to outscore them. Michael Wilson is facing against Detroit - who is also in the same boat as Dallas. These two players could have a huge week and it could turn into a runaway win for My Jeanty.

Prediction: Shough my Jeanty

Mystery Guest: Bluffton Tennis (Shough my Jeanty)

Nailor? (1-3) v Tuten My Horn (3-1)

How Nailor? wins: It is going to take a big time showing from Philly. They have to face-off against one the top teams in the NFL (Jacksonville Jaguars) - sometimes this fires up a team and their players to have a big game - reference Drake Maye against the Buffalo Bills. 

How Tuten wins: Chase plays. If Chase plays - it helps Burrow... but Chase has the potential to score more. If Chase doesn't play, Burrow gets to face-off against a horrid Miami defense and garner all those points using a different WR and Tuten gains nothing from that. On top of the that, if Chase doesn't play, the backup option would be? Most likely, Denzel Boston - there is a stark difference between the two.

Prediction: Tuten My Horn

Mystery Guest: Bluffton Tennis (Tuten My Horn)

The J-Bones (1-3) v Ankle Holster (1-3)

How J-Bones wins: CMC matches Bijan... this is more purely because of who they are facing against. If CMC matches Bijan then most of the position battles are in favor of The J-Bones. Ankle Holster relies heavily on Bijan and Allen, if you match Bijan that leaves only one advantage in the matchup.

How Ankle Holster wins: Typically, this is where I write that Bijan and Allen are key - but I am going to focus on another player. Tucker Kraft - who they are starting to deploy at a variety of positions and plays. He can be the focal point of the offense - but more importantly, last season (prior to the injury) he averaged 60 yards and close to a 1 touchdown a game... this would equate to at least 12 points... plus any points for receptions.

Prediction: The J-Bones

Mystery Guest: Bluffton Tennis (Ankle Holster)

Mounsey Zombies (2-2) v AR's Broken Finger (2-2)

How Mounsey wins: Lamar and Saquon need to play... I am not sure this is going to happen. If it does, it really helps Mounsey Zombies with their chances to win. I don't see them playing, so I see this as a throw away week and just try to get those guys ready. Just make the call Mounsey Zombies - tell the teams to rest their studs - bigger battles to fight.

How Broken wins: Consistency... this matchup can be won with depth and consistency. Also, it wouldn't hurt if Ceedee goes for another night of 15+ catches. This matchup is not going to be won with one guy though - it is simply going to take a consistent performance throughout for this week. Have everyone have a decent week and most likely you are breaking through the .500 mark.

Prediction: AR's Broken Finger

Mystery Guest: Bluffton Tennis (AR's Broken Finger)

Cleveland Streamers (1-3) v Check my Chubb (1-3)

How Streamers win: Just don't have a bummer week... at this point in the season these are must win weeks for Cleveland Streamers. If you don't win a week facing off against another lower ranked team - especially one dealing with bye week issues - then we have a serious problem this season. Win this week or cash it in.

How Check my Chubb win: Sean Falco and The Replacements need to show up. If you haven't seen the film, I highly recommend it. Before I go off on a tangent... the replacements for Mahomes/Hubbard/DEF need to show up in a big way...

Prediction: Cleveland Streamers

Mystery Guest: Bluffton Tennis (Cleveland Streamers)

As always, good luck to everyone - except you, Factory of Sadness - may your entire roster declare to be drafted in the WNBA and forever be stuck in the cycle of women's basketball hell.

With love

Commish

Week 4 Results

Fantasy Guru: 6-1

Mystery Guest: 4-3

Season Results

Fantasy Guru: 19-9

Mystery Guest: 13-15

Week 4

***Editor's Note*** The following was written post to the big trade that was made ***Editor's Note***

Well, well, well... here are the top 5 times in my life when I think, "This can't be happening - oh yes, this is really happening":

1. First Time Making Love - Listen, I don't need to go into details for you youngsters - but just know that 30 seconds is still a really long time.

2. Poop bridge over the Toilet Tunnel - If you have never done such a feat... you need to start increasing your food intake and maybe gets some carbs in that diet to help keep everything strengthened. If you don't know what I am talking about, let's break it down. A Poop Bridge is when you have such a strong turd and it is so massive, that it stretches across the drain and when you flush it survives the waves. A feat only a few men can pull off.

3. Hitting 100 mph on the dash - Every guy has a few things they want to accomplish - hitting triple digits is on the checklist. There is no better feeling that flying down a road and you see that third digit appear. It is the benchmark of manhood - you have made it, you are in.

4. Running from the cops - Yup, if you haven't done it - do it. I am being serious... you should do it. Now, maybe some of us older fellas might need to sit this one out. But I can recall some of the times we would evade the cops. The pranks we pulled (are harmless of course), and how we got away.

5. Pulling a big trade - I love it... I can't help myself either. I will have a team and then inevitably I will decide to make a trade. What do you do? I just love the risk of what could happen. Also, why I might have a gambling problem.

The issue becomes when the aftermath hits... it is great if it pans out.... but also another consequence is....

1. Wind up with a couple kids just stealing all of your time and money

2. Backsplash all-over dem cheeks booooiiii!!

3. Don't play Helen Keller while flying down the high way

4. Yeeeeaaaahhhhh... could just not be fast enough - get pulled out of your bed and yelled at for 2 hours with flashlights in your face

5. What if he stays hurt?

***Editor's Note*** The following was written prior to the big trade that was made ***Editor's Note***

The best part about this time of the year is when we start to see how much GM's really want it. You start to see trade talks taking place in the halls and through text messages. You start to wonder - who is talking to who? Am I missing out on something that is going to make 2 teams better and I am losing ground?

Then you start to panic... you start to feel the pressure to make a move, just because everyone else is. When that happens, you have to handle a lot - because this league is full of tuna that has constructed breathing apparatuses with kelp that are going to hunt down your pride, your family and once they have the taste of lion - they think, "This taste good, they want more."

Now what do you do? How do you handle it? Do you try to make a move? Do you try to sit back and let everyone surpass you with moves? What do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO?!?!

Nonetheless, I feel like fantasy football becomes the man's Big Brother - nobody knows who is working deals with who - but everybody thinks something is happening. Although, to be honest... as I type this out I think that I might be a little over paranoid and maybe I am the only one thinking this way. What I do know is that there is one manager who is working the hardest... Mr. Check My Chubb.

Ironically, he still lost this week - but not for trying.

Check My Chubb has sent out 56 trades or counters in a span of 5 days (excluding the weekend)... 3 of them have been accepted. That would be equivalent of going to the bar, getting absolutely hammered - asking for every girl's (probably a couple dudes) number and walking out with 3 of them. Honestly, it is a hard night's work... but you might call a night like that successful. Until, you wake up sandwiched between a camel and Target Worker named Karl.

Anyways, from what I have seen there have been good trade offers and bad trade offers. I like to try and stay out of offering advice in a public setting... unless truly confronted - I will stand up for myself. But the real fun is what happens in the dark... what happens when you hear things and you get to sleuth your way around to try and see what is real and what is fake news. The walls are speaking.... there is going to be a big splash this week - when it happens, you are one of the 3 people...

A) "Cannonballer" - The person making the splash. The person that is working the trade, spitting the game, dealing the cards. They are the ones who like to throw a wrench in the system and see what the chaos does.

B) "Pool Dweller" - They are in the pool and playing games and splashing around. They are not causing in harm, but they like to be close the action. Maybe they venture out and splash a little - maybe they stick to their lane. They are close enough to the action that they are able to brace themselves for the splash and prepare of the aftermath.

C) "Bathing Beauty" - They are out of the pool, on the deck, completely unaware of what is about to happen. They love where they are at - but they don't know the real degeneracy that is taking place. That is until and tidal wave overtakes their peace. There is nothing they can do - a splash is going to make waves no matter what.

Sometimes, you are forced into a group (by your draft) - sometimes you chose a group. I would say more times than not "Pool Dwellers" win the league, "Cannonballers" are fighting to be a "Pool Dweller," "Bathing Beautys" are teams that used by the "Cannonballer" to make the splash.

Sometimes, you are a fool and just like making splashes.... Hi, my name is Penias - I like making splashes.

Anyways... let's get to the Power Rankings and this week's matchups...

Week 3 Power Rankings

1. Penias and Ferb* (3-0) - Are we surprised? The crown (belt) is heavy and the burden of the being the top dog is hard... but if I must I will hold it down. PPPSSSSYYYCCCCHHHEEEE... I LOVE THIS SH*T! You want my spot? Come and get it... but be careful, I am....

2. Tuten My Horn (3-0) - Up 2 Spots... They remain undefeated, although it was a close one with Check My Chubb. The biggest question for Tuten is whether or not his RB's can hold up the deal for the long-term.

3. Shough Me Jeanty* (2-1) - Down 1 Spot... This is tough, not only a loss - but a pretty bad showing last week. I am going to give them the benefit of the doubt and trust that this week will be a bounce week based upon what we saw in the first 2 weeks.

4. My Team Sucks (2-1) - Up 8 Spots... The biggest movement and the biggest surprise of the first 3 weeks. Honestly, I don't see them staying here - especially with the massive loss of Achane. However, as long as Price continues to suck - newly acquired E. Wilson should suffice.

5. Mounsey Zombies (2-1) - Down 2 Spots... This is a solid team led by a solid tandem - I don't ever see them dropping outside the playoff the line - barring injury - even if they lose this week agains the oddest spiraling team in the history of the league.

6. Ertz/Eifert* (2-1) - No Movement... Still inside the cut-off, no one can take the belt win away... and now you find yourself in the MotW - big week to dictate if you are a pretender or a contender. Essentially, this ranking is based on whether or not you believe in the Detroit Duo (and I do).

7. Cleveland Streamers (1-2) - Down 2 Spots... This is how razor thin the line of comfortable and uncomfortable is.... Streamers lose last week by .12 and they drop 2 spots. Ole' Herbo is finally getting the bench this week - for none other than Marcus Mariota.... what a wild world we live in.

8. Greatest Offense (1-2) - Up 5 Spots... I am not going to lie... I did not see this coming. JSN is the real deal... but that is it - don't get used to this spot... rough matchup this week (especially is Puka comes back).

9. Factory of Sadness (2-1) - Down 1 Spot... What the record doesn't show.... Factory only scored 78 points last week (still got the win), but they have issues at the QB spot and not enough firepower to overcome a bad week. They are in the MotW this week and they need a big win to prove the haters wrong.

10. Nailor? Hardly Know Her (1-2) - Down 1 Spot... It is crazy to think that Nailor? get their first win and they still move down a spot. The issue hasn't changed... there is not enough firepower surrounding JT when he has a bad day. The point totals are dropping each week and they didn't start off outlandishly high either. 

11. Ankle Holster (1-2) - No Movement... If you were curious the best baseball team out of Chicago has a game this upcoming Saturday - I can get tickets if you want to go.

12. The J-Bones (0-3) - Down 5 Spots... At this point it is shocking. I still think that The J-Bones might be the best 0-3 team that this league has ever seen. To make matters worse, they play Mounsey Zombies this week and that means dealing with Lamar and King Henry getting to face Tennessee.

13. A.R's Broken (1-2) - Down 3 Spots.... It honestly just comes down to the fact that Jefferson was forced out of the game and Loveland decided to pull the ball back "1 nipple hair" short of the goal line. The difference between rank 13 and probably somewhere inside the playoff cut-off.

14. Check My Chubb (0-3) - No Movement... It is not for lack of effort and it not for lack of scoring points - they would have beaten half the league and 2 people who scored less still got a win. I like the trajectory this team is headed and I predict that one of the 0-3 teams make a run at trying to make the playoffs.

Week 4 Matchups
Matchup of the Week
Factory of Sadness (2-1) v Ertz/Eifert* (2-1)

This MotW will dictate who belongs in the race for the top and falls back to the middle of the pack and back to fighting for the playoff spot. Essentially, which one of these is a contender and which one is a pretender.

Battle to Watch: Likely v Kittle

Honestly, I never thought that I would be putting Isaiah Likely in a Battle to Watch... but here we are, in the big '26 where women can be dudes, dudes can be bobcats, and Isaiah Likely can be a top 10 TE. He has 2 things to note... he struggled to put up numbers with Famous Jameis at QB... he is also playing the Arizona Cardinals who have been suspect at best against TE's (averaging 5 catches, 62 yards, 1 TD). Oh and by the way... GIVE ME KITTLE by a 10 spot in this battle.

How Factory wins: Find the answer at QB. Last week, was not it - but they played AR's Broken and squeaked out a win with 78 points. This week it looks like Penix is getting the call to go against New Orleans. New Orleans is giving up 230 and 2 touchdowns on average and Penix just had a 72% completion rating - could be a big week for the Factory squad if he can throw up a decent number.

How Ertz/Eifert wins: Goff/ARSB... I know it sounds like a broken record. However, think about this - Gibbs had 3 touchdowns last week and exploded for 40+ points... ARSB still scored over 10 points. That means that his off games still equate to double digits - what about his "ON" games? He averages over 100 yards and 2 touchdowns. Goff is averaging over 20 points... and the Lions are starting to find their identity - score a lot of points.

Prediction: Ertz/Eifert

Mystery Guest: Ertz/Eifert

Penias and Ferb* (3-0) v GOTI (1-2)

How Penias wins: Uhhhhhhh... the better question is - how do they lose? Outside of the flex position, they are currently starting everyone inside the top 15 PRK. This is going to be a dominant run, something this league has never seen - until, and it will inevitable happen, he decides to "Cannonball" into the water. They win this matchup by a million.

How GOTI wins: JSN needs to score 90 points by himself. Seattle will surely try their best - everything runs through JSN - but he will fall just short of the needed mark in order for GOTI to win. Sucks, and I apologize - but life is going to be hard for you when you are 1-3 and on the outside looking in.

Prediction: Penias and Ferb

Mystery Guest: Penias and Ferb

Tuten My Horn (3-0) v Shough me Jeanty* (2-1)

How Tuten wins: Pass Catchers, Pass Catchers, Pass Catchers. Chase/Nico/G-Wilson/Kelce all have the capabilities to go out and have a big day. It is going to take one of those this week. Specifically, if Nico has a big week - it would mean that Stroud would also have a big week. That would be a nice connection for Tuten. Somebody from the pass catchers need to have a big week... not just anybody... you know they need somebody.

How Shough wins: Take advantage of matchups. Tet gets a matchup against the Detroit Lions and they have decided to not stop anyone. This could be a big week for Tet - but that would mean that Coker needs to leave some space for him (I don't think that anyone saw the Coker vibrance coming). Buck Buck needs to have a big week against the Packers... who just gave up 200+ yards to Bijan. If these two take advantage of their matchups... this week is over and we lose another undefeated team.

Prediction: Shough me Jeanty

Mystery Guest: Tuten My Horn

Ankle Holster (1-2) v My Team Sucks (2-1)

How Holster wins: Decide what you want to be... either make some trades and attempt to win in the Fantasy realm or make some trades and acquire as many Packers players as possible. Either way works... just make the decision. If you are going for the Packers, you have pieces to move... it just depends what pieces you want to move. If you are going for the Fantasy realm (recommended, Packers suck) - then you still have pieces to move. Make a move homeboy!

How Sucks wins: Continue the irony of the team name. The past two weeks the team has averaged 123 points and is looking stronger and stronger. Drake London looks like his tirade on the sideline two weeks ago and is now getting more targets - what do you know? Hotlanta gives the ball to Bijan and London and they get a win (or they just have Penix start). Purdy is on track to make a run at the MVP and Zay Flowers is taking advantage of matchups and his speed.

Prediction: My Team Sucks

Mystery Guest: Ankle Holster

Check my Chubb (0-3) v Nailor? Hardly Know Her (1-2)

How Chubb wins: Become a full blown b*ner. Truth be told, this guy is working. I will have people come and show me a trade that he offered him - when I know full well, he also sent me the same deal for someone (and most likely sent the same deal to 3 other managers). I almost get the feeling that this teams likes to dangle what they have and just live the chubb zone. If they really want to get a win (close last week.. would have finished middle of the pack), they need to make a trade and turn that Chubb into a B*ner.

How Nailor? wins: Ride the stallion or flip him into a few colts. Right now, JT is the stallion in the stable. You either have decide to ride or die with him and know that they only way you win is if he has monster weeks. The other option is to take JT and trade for multiple players that are on the cusp of becoming stallions. It is not a fun decision... especially when you may have to trade your best player - which is why some players live out their careers with the team that made them big and others have a tearful goodbye before their trade value is worth nothing.

Prediction: Check my Chubb

Mystery Guest: Check my Chubb

*Could this be the week ole' tight pants gets their first win????

Mounsey Zombies (1-2) v The J-Bones (0-3)

How Zombies wins: Run the d*mn ball. Honestly, I feel like every week I look at Zombies' matchup - they have a good one... how easy is their schedule? It is also crazy that King Henry is only the 4th best RB in fantasy - every time I watch football the guy is scoring touchdowns. He is averaging 2 touchdowns a week up to this point - wild. He and Lamar are not the issue... the issue is if Barkley can be anything of what he was in 2024. So far... the answer is no. Which is wild, the Eagles have not looked great - maybe try giving him the ball.

How J-Bones win: IDK, My BFF Rose. At this point, I have no clue. The downward spiral in the rankings, in the performance (that's what she said), in life in general - needs to be studied. On paper, this team does not look 0-3... 2 top 10 RB's, the number 1 TE, a near top 10 QB - how has this team not gotten at least 1 win? Because they are the first team to cross the 400 point benchmark in "Points Against." That means teams are averaging 133.3 (repeating of course) against them... hard to win when that is happening.

Prediction: The J-Bones

Mystery Guest: The J-Bones

*Could this be the week ole' Bone Zone gets their first win???

Cleveland Streamers (1-2) v A.R's Broken Finger (1-2)

How Streamers wins: Slide into Madison Beers DM's and steal her from Justin Herbo. That boy needs to wake up and in a hurry. When Harbaugh doesn't believe in you... and he was all but putting you in his mouth last year - you might be in trouble. If he wakes up and starts playing some football... this team could be dangerous. So far.... that is a big if.

How A.R's wins: Jefferson needs to play. A lot of things happened last week to equate to a very unfortunate loss. Loveland is short of a TD, 49ers defense score 0 points against the Cardinals, annnndddd Jefferson gets hurt. It was a big blow to the team... he needs to play this week and he probably needs to look more like week 1 Jefferson. Wild take... bring back Wentz?

Prediction: Cleveland Streamers

Mystery Guest: Cleveland Streamers

As always, good luck to everyone - except you, GOTI - may your entire roster declare to be drafted in the WNBA and forever be stuck in the cycle of women's basketball hell.

With Love

Commish

Week 3 Results

Fantasy Guru: 3-4

Mystery Guest: 2-5

Season Results

Fantasy Guru: 13-8

Mystery Guest: 9-12

Week 3

I have a list of pictures to view...

And now the aftermath of the injury...

Which one does not fit?

A) Jaxson Dart has knee flex inward - some thought done for season, reports are now saying a MCL sprain with a time frame of 4-6 weeks.... could see him come back around week 9 after the bye week. There is some thought that he returns within the 1-3 week range.

B) Jayden Daniels dislocated his elbow - just when he was cooking up the Cowboys - and is now at best looking at 3-6 weeks. There is no fracture, but he is visiting specialists this week (I gotta guy on the inside). Look for Daniels to return week 8.

C) Caleb Williams had a mosquito land on his hamstring and he went down in agony. He was in tears as he was carted off the field and was even said to have called his mother and discussed retirement. Reports now have him as day-to-day and he is questionable for week 3. F*ck this guy - I feel like I am watching a bad version of Desperate Housewives.

Either way... a few fantasy teams are now scrambling to figure out what to do at QB. Not to mention, Jayden Reed got to the pearly gates of heaven before deciding to try and stay alive during his week 2 injury. Alec Pierce is back where he is feels comfortable - he had 3 injuries last season and now he is well on his way to missing more time than playing. DJ Moore scored owners negative points after leaving early/Saquon is undergoing an MRI today/Jadarian Price is banged up/Rico Dowdle left early/Demarcus Robinson also left early.

New Rankings

1. Penias and Ferb (2-0) NO MOVEMENT: Until further notice - the King will remain at the top. The Daniels injury hurts... but does it? Mahomes (who happens to be the 3rd ranked QB) is smoothly inserted into the starting lineup. You want the top spot? Someone better beat them.

2. Shough Me Jeanty (2-0) UP 2 SPOTS: Is this the best team in the league? They have scored the most points, they are undefeated, they have the largest point differential. 

3. Mounsey Zombies (2-0) UP 2 SPOTS: Christian Watson is joining up with the Baltimore Brothers and giving this team a nasty trio of front runners. Not too mention the surprise rebirth of Laporta at the TE spot.

4. Tuten My Horn (2-0) UP 2 SPOTS: The big question for this team is whether CJ Stroud is going to be the answer for a Dart replacement. Honestly, not a bad backup - but he is going to ride and die on whether or not Nico plays - and so will this team.

5. Cleveland Streamers (1-1) UP 3 SPOTS: For some reason, Herbert and LAC offense can't figure it out - if they do? This is a top 3 lineup in the league.

6. Ertz/Eifert (1-1) UP 3 SPOTS: Big belt winner this week! Thank-you Lions tandem, Goff/ARSB - to think that they scored combine 65 points (47% of the teams total points) in a losing effort. You don't need winners in the NFL - you just need point getters.

7. The J-Bones (0-2) DOWN 4 SPOTS: This tumble needs to be studied - to be fair, they had a brutal first 2 weeks... Penias and Shough Me. The lineup looks eye-popping and CMC is staying healthy... give it time?

8. Factory of Sadness (1-1) DOWN 6 SPOTS: This is what happens when there are only 2 games for the sample factor... also, another team that takes a big hit at the QB position

9. Nailor? I Hardly Know Her (1-1) UP 1 SPOT: A team that is close to having a deep lineup... but right now they have 1 stallion. The question is: Rather have 1 stallion or stable full of breeders?

10. A.R's Broken Finger (1-1) UP 1 SPOT: Call it what you want, this team has stud WR's and absolutely big misses everywhere else. Will they wake up and get this team back inside the Playoff Line?

11. Ankle Holster (1-1) DOWN 4 SPOTS: Josh Allen can only do so much - but man is he fun to watch and have on your team. The man is the best player in football - but he is also 1 of 2 players on Holster - when the other doesn't show up, there is not enough depth to survive.

12. My Team Sucks (1-1) UP 1 SPOT: Gotta a big win this past week, thank you Purdy and Aubrey (Tier 1 Kicker). Do you really want to rely on Aubrey to score 16 points each week? Time to make a move.

13. Greatest Offense There Is (0-2) DOWN 1 SPOT: If Ankle Holster is the definition of a 2-man squad... what does that make this team? Stafford and JSN.... and the rest are gearing up to race Johnny Knoxville in The Ringger

14. Slender TD's (0-2) NO MOVEMENT: Yeeaaaahhhhh.... no more passes... you suck at this Fantasy Football thing. Time to make a move or start sucking your own d-piece... the choice is yours.

Things to Note:

- Penias and Shough Me will play in Week 3 for the top spot in the rankings.

- The bottom 3 teams remain the same 3 teams as last week.

- There are 3 teams that faced big-time injuries... Penias/Tuten/Factory - maybe some trade rumors are flying around?

- The biggest mover since the DDA - Mounsey Zombies - thank-you emergence of Christian Watson!!

Week 3 Predictions
Matchup of the Week
Shough Me Jeanty* (2-0) v Penias and Ferb (2-0)

You hate to have the same teams rotate in the MotW.... but what do you do? Not highlight the 1 and 2 in the power rankings? Yeah... everybody in the league knows this is a possible championship preview.

Battle to Watch: Tyler Shough v Patrick Mahomes...

This sounds like a matchup that would be extremely lopsided, and it may - just not the way that you think. Shough, not Mahomes, leads the NFL in passing yards. Shough, not Mahomes, has a disadvantageous backfield and will be forced to the throw the ball often. Shough, not Mahomes, plays for a team that will find themselves in passing scripts more often than not. 

Buuuuuutttt.... Mahomes is The Magician.

How Shough wins: Consistency and Break-outs. Fantasy Football is simple when you play for consistency and every so often a breakout happens. Shough Me has the depth to stay consistent, with the exception of a really bad week, they should never drop below 105/110 range. The big breakouts are what pushes the scores up to the 130's and beyond. This is the recipe for success and the depth for this line-up is there. 

How Penias wins: Big time players take advantage of comfy matchups. Mahomes gets to go against Miami Dolphins. Jahmyr Gibbs gets to go against New York Jets. Chris Olave gets to go against the Las Vegas Raiders. Matthew Golden gets to go against the Atlanta Falcons. This is a slew of bad defenses... this needs to be a big week for Penias if they want to hold on to the top spot.

Prediction: Penias and Ferb 

Mystery Guest: Shough Me Jeanty

Nailor? Hardly (0-2) v Ankle Holster (1-1)

How Nailor? wins: Middle Man never wins. I don't see them winning, but if they did win - it would be with Ankle Holster losing. At this point, Nailor? is stuck in a middle land - they have only a few decent players, but nothing good enough to sustain a good run to the playoffs. Which means they stay stuck and win a few and lose most or they make a trade to gain more depth - but that will cost a top player. Time to get active on the trading block.

How Holster wins: Josh Allen. Is there a better player in the NFL through these 2 weeks? Nope. Is there a better player in fantasy through 2 weeks? Nope. Does somebody need to help him out? Probably. Does Holster need to entertain the idea of a making a move with the other pieces? Probably. Will he? Probably not. Should win this week, thank-you cellar dwellers fighting bottom feeders.

Prediction: Ankle Holster

Mystery Guest: Ankle Holster

Tuten My Horn (2-0) v Slender TD's (0-2)

How Tuten wins: Don't hold your breath for longer than the allotted time that your body can go without oxygen. You could also just not jump off a bridge of 200+ foot valley. Maybe not jump in front of traffic on a eight lane highway? Just put it this way, Slender has yet to break 90 points - they have a combined 159 points through 2 weeks. Just show up, don't shoot yourself in the foot and move on.

How Slender wins: Have you ever heard of the term fire sale? You let the league know that no one is untouchable on your roster. You flood the inbox with a bunch of trade offers. You sift through the offers - you find the best offers you like and piece together a team that is much better than this one. These years are tough (when your team is awful), but they can be the most fun. You have to actually work at trying to make the playoffs - the grind is real.

Prediction: Tuten My Horn

Mystery Guest: Tuten My Horn

My Team Sucks (1-1) v Mounsey Zombies (2-0)

First off, if the top 2 teams in the power rankings weren't playing each other - this would have some discussion to being the MotW.

How Sucks wins: London and Fannin wake up. We are talking about pass catchers who finished 7th in ppg in WR's and 8th in ppg in TE's. Currently, each are averaging 7 - news flash that is a combined 15 points off of what they were doing last year. It is not like they are old enough to regress... wake up and help this squad out!

How Zombies wins: Watson and Laporta have nice matchups.... Watson gets Atlanta on Thursday and Laporta gets NYJ - hello comfy matchups. Not to mention that Lamar and Henry get Dallas - who have given up a total of 347 rushing yards through 2 weeks. I just don't see this matchup going any other way than the Zombies moving to 3-0.

Prediction: Mounsey Zombies

Mystery Guest: Mounsey Zombies

Ertz/Eifert* (1-1) v Cleveland Streamers (1-1)

How Ertz/Eifert wins: Hello BELT WINNER!!! The easy answer is to do what you did last week - which is entirely possible. The more complex answer is to take advantage of matchups that pair well with your big name players. Breece Hall gets Detroit - who has not looked super stellar stopping the opponents rushing attack (giving up nearly 300 yards in 2 weeks). Goff and ARSB then turn around and get the NYJ defense... which is surprisingly good so far? But they have only faced off against the Titans and a battered Packers air attack... nothing compared to Goff and ARSB.

How Streamers wins: Feed the Thirds... Walker has found a system that gives him opportunity and there is little behind him on the depth chart. Cook had a big game last week and is now looking to keep this vaulted Buffalo attack going. The interesting part about feeding the Thirds and is that Burden finds himself on the bench... but that is more because his QB is a puss puss and having Case Keenum be your guy that rely on to get you the ball is never a good thing.

Prediction: Ertz/Eifert

Mystery Guest: Cleveland Streamers

GOTI (0-2) v The J-Bones (0-2)

How GOTI wins: Fire Sale. The Google definition of fire sale is the urgent sale of goods or assets because the owner faces severe financial loss. At some point, you need to make moves and attempt to work this diarrhea into a turd - that or flush this season down the drain with all the sh*t (talking) that follows. But hey, you might just get lucky - you are facing the fastest tumbling team in the Power Rankings.

How JBones wins: Thank the fantasy gods for a matchup that doesn't consist of the top two team in the Power Rankings. Now would be a good time to have the squad show up like the are supposed to and get a much needed win in a big way. Teams that start off 0-3 are 2-22 at making the playoffs in our tightly held manuscripts of the Bluffton Bombshells. A WR needs to help out the lineup... or it might be time to go shopping.

Prediction: The J-Bones

Mystery Guest: The J-Bones

Factory of Sadness (1-1) v A.R's Broken Finger (1-1)

How Factory wins: Hope it doesn't come down to the QB. Obviously, there is nothing that can be done about an injury - but if it were me, I would call that puss puss up and tell him it is time to play. Everywhere else looks like it should be pretty solid - but the big question mark is at QB. There may need to be a long term solution for this problem if Williams does not come back.

How ARs wins: Ceedee Jefferson... See what I did there? See what I did there? These two are two of the top 3 WR's and they need to keep performing like they are in order to keep this teams chances alive. It also wouldn't be a bad thing if Coleston Loveland remembered how to play football again. Loveland was a top 12 TE last season, and a top 10 in the beginning stages of the season. Right now, he is 77th and has score a total of 1.3 points through 2 weeks.

Prediction: ARs Broken Finger

Mystery Guest: Factory of Sadness

As always, good luck to everyone - except you, Shough Me Jeanty - may your entire roster declare to be drafted in the WNBA and forever be stuck in the cycle of women's basketball hell.

With Love

Commish

Week 2 Results

Fantasy Guru: 5-2

Mystery Guest: 3-4

Season Total

Fantasy Guru: 10-4

Mystery Guest: 7-7

Good to be back...

Let me just say... it is good to be back. The same might not be able to be said for everyone, especially for some NFL players...

Matthew Stafford - maybe he didn't make the trip to Australia and it was just a double in his place?

Drake Maye - looked efficient in the first half and looked like he was ready to go - then boom, just dropped off the face of the earth

Colston Loveland - uhhhhh.... have you even checked into camp??

Jamarr Chase - maybe not his fault, but how do you only get 4 targets and be considered the best WR in the league?

On flip side, some players were definitely ready to play...

Caleb Williams - too early to call for MVP?

Jahmyr Gibbs - no way he can keep up that touch rate? But if he does, look out

King Henry - might have the most touches of a football of anyone alive (counting high school) - yet still performing like a new car

Kenneth Walker III - definitely some people their matchup in week 1 with a big MNF performance

Not to fear.... if you didn't have any of the top performers - the name of the game early on is to not overreact... UNLESS YOU ARE ME!!! Let's just break down how good the DDA did...

Old Rankings

1. Penias and Ferb - scored in the top 3 teams of the week... definitely showcased why they ranked in the top spot

2. The J-Bones - it is not too often you score 139 points (4th overall) and still lose... they belong near the top - it is similar to when Ohio State loses to Texas - should either team really be punished for a loss that close?

3. Factory of Sadness - finished 2nd in scoring in week 1 - so far... the DDA can feel pretty good about the rankings

4. Tuten my Horn - won their matchup and finished 6th in points scored - not too far off the ranking, but there a large gap between 5th and 6th in team points

5. Hardly Know Her - it is at this point that we begin to see the mess of the middle... took the loss, but was respectable in the outcome - oddly, only beat 2 other teams - but the gap between the bottom 2 and here was MASSIVE

6. Ertz when Eifert - lost in the tightest matchup of the week - scored 117 points, finished 8th in scoring - had they finished 6th in scoring... they win

7. Ankle Holster - sometimes it is better to be lucky than good, missed ranked this team based upon week 1 - but hey, just play someone who doesn't break 100 points and you are good to go

8. Greatest Offense - this fantasy performance looked the lowly Cowboys defense just letting Dart and Skat run all over them

9. Cleveland Streamers - respectable... but a loss is a loss and they finished week 1 and the 7th best score... maybe the loss knocks them down to 9th and makes this a pretty fair ranking

10. Mounsey Zombies - the definition of boom-or-bust in week 1... but when 3 players boom... you have going to do well... might need to move them up in the rankings?

11. Shough me Jeanty - here is our biggest mover of the week... won the belt for the week, sent a message that the boys can play

12. A.R's Broken Finger - a nice win, a big margin of victory and most likely a nice bump in the rankings

13. My team Sucks - a fairly accurate representation... scored the 2nd fewest points, lost, and the name fits... but there are pieces there

14. Slender TD's - scored the fewest points, ranking is fitting - but I am not going slander this team - was thrown into the fire and took over a team without the knowledge of it

New Rankings

1. Penias and Ferb - (1-0) - no movement

2. Factory of Sadness - (1-0) - moved up 1 spot

3. The J-Bones - (0-1) - moved down 1 spot

4. Shough My Jeanty - (1-0) - moved up 7 spots

5. Mounsey Zombies - (1-0) - moved up 5 spots

6. Tuten My Horn - (1-0) - moved down 2 spots

7. Ankle Holster - (1-0) - no movement

8. Cleveland Streamers - (1-0) - moved up 1 spot

9. Ertz when Eifert - (0-1) - moved down 3 spots

10. Hardly Know Her - (0-1) - moved down 5 spots

11. A.R's Broken Finger - (0-1) - moved up 1 spot

12. Greatest Offense - (0-1) - moved down 4 spots

13. My Team Sucks - (0-1) - no movement

14. Slender TD's - (0-1) - no movement

Notes to the new rankings....

- There 4 teams that did not adjust (not too bad for a DDA)

- The J-Bones stays in the top 3 despite a loss, scoring points matters and they are rewarded for that

- Shough My Jeanty moves the most spots (in the right direction), heavy lies the hips that wear the belt

- Hardly and Offense take the biggest tumble down the rankings

Week 2 Predictions

Matchup of the Week

Shough My Jeanty* (1-0) v The J-Bones (0-1)

This week the MotW features the biggest mover on the boards and the highest ranked loser in week 1. 

Battle to Watch: Tet McMillan v Malik Nabers

Both these young receivers had good weeks in terms of targets and catches - but they never got into the endzone. The real separation at the WR position in fantasy is either scoring touchdowns or seeing an absurd amount of targets. Look for these players to do one or the other in this week's position battle - but especially look for Malik Nabers to score a touchdown and get the big boost this week.

How Shough My Jeanty wins: It sounds boring (and probably impossible), but just do what exactly what you did last week and you win. While Tet (and Kincaid) didn't score a touchdown, pretty much every other player in the lineup did. Keep finding pay dirt and that is a recipe for success. Jeanty and Hampton play each other in real life - so that is one game that probably circled on My Jeanty's calendar!

How The J-Bones win: They need production from a pass catcher not named Trey McBride. If they can't help out - it might be time to find a solution. At some point McBride/CMC/Hurts will need help carrying the load. The thing that worries me about the WR's is that Metcalf and Nabers will be lining up with 2 of the top 5 DB's in the NFL. Hopefully, in the limited amount of space they have - their QB can actually give them the opportunity.

Prediction: The J-Bones

Mystery Guest: The J-Bones

Slender TD's (0-1) v Penias and Ferb

How Slender wins: The stallions wake up... Drake Maye looked like he was completely out of it in the 2nd half. Puka may have lead the Rams in all pass catching categories - but that doesn't take much when Stafford looks worse than Maye did the day before. If those two can wake up and start to play like they did at the end of last year than Maye and Puka should be able to have a much better week 2.

How Penias wins: The big 4.... Gibbs/Williams/Olave/JD5 combined for 104 total points in week 1. If that can be a normal output (it won't be)... this team won't lose all season. Yes, Gibbs won't routinely go for 30+ and Olave and Williams averaging more than 25 between the two of them - but also JD5 now gets the Cowboys defense... which he needs to torch for more reasons than the team win (side bet as well).

Prediction: Penias and Ferb

Mystery Guest: Penias and Ferb

Mounsey Zombies (1-0) v Ankle Holster (1-0)

How Zombies wins: Lamar and King Henry get to play the New Orleans Saints. The Saint gave up a billions yards to Jahmyr Gibbs on the ground and these two seem to love finding holes in the defense. I would hate to be the Saints who now have a blueprint against them and then they welcome the deadliest backfield. I don't see 32 points coming from Watson again... but he could get up in the 15-20 mark against the Jets. This big two need to do the heavy lifting and the supporting cast need to follow.

How Holsters win: Allen and Bijan. It is interesting that the bulk of this matchup could come down to a two man battle between QB's and RB's. I truly think that whichever team wins the battle of Lamar v Allen and Henry v Bijan wins this matchup - and Holsters has to like to matchups that his two dawgs have. Allen plays again the Lions and Shough (good... but no Josh Allen) lit them up for 410 passing yards. Bijan gets Carolina - Swift hit them for 125 and 3 touchdowns. Look out world, this could get uncomfortable. 

Prediction: Mounsey Zombies

Mystery Guest: Ankle Holster

Cleveland Streamers (0-1) v Factory of Sadness (1-0)

How Streamers win: Depth and Patience. When I look at this roster, there is no "wow" factor - but there is a slew of names that should be consistent and score decent points week in and week out. The Chiefs proved the are willing to hand the ball off, Cook should have a decent bounce back week against the porous Lions defense, Herbert will be just fine in the long run, DeVonta is either going to flame out or bang out (I am betting on the latter). This team reminds me of the San Antonio Spurs dynasty - not going to do too much flashy... but they will get the job done.

How Factory wins: Take advantage of matchups. Caleb Williams gets a Minny defense that gave up 387 passing yards and they still won. Williams needs to take advantage of this opportunity and do what he did in Week 1 - light up the scoreboard. Isaiah Likely had a big week 1 and could have just as big of a week 2. The Rams defense was supposed to be deadly - but then things went south... Donald is not ready to play yet, Garrett is on IR. That leaves Duffie on the outside - but who is covering the TE? No one. Likely and Williams need to have big weeks - because the other matchups don't look so friendly.

Prediction: Cleveland Streamers

Mystery Guest: Factory of Sadness

A.R's Finger (1-0) v Tuten my Horn (1-0)

How Finger wins: Paging Loveland, paging Dr. Loveland. How do the Chicago Bears score 50+ points and Loveland doesn't even sniff a fantasy point. Yes, you read that right - A POINT! Insane. I can see that the lineup has been shifted and it is funny that in a lineup with CeeDee and Jefferson at WR - neither of them led the team in week 1... that would be the deadly Jalen Coker. Now, he isn't going to do that again - so this is where Loveland needs to step-up and fill the regression.

How Tuten wins: Paging Chase, paging Dr. Chase. I don't know who looked worse in their week 1 debut to the season... Loveland or Chase? Chase had 2 receptions for 12 yards... what? The Bengals scored 33 points and Chase did what? Obviously, that is going to change and it might need to come right about now. If players do anything close to what they did in week 1 (they won't) - this is going to get ugly (it won't)... so Tuten needs Chase do his thing this week and put up a very large number - something with a 3 or 4 at the beginning.

Prediction: A.R's Finger

Mystery Guest: Tuten my Horn

Greatest Offense (0-1) v My Team Sucks (0-1)

How Greatest wins: You hope that "My Team Sucks" fails to show up like they did in week 1. The ironic part about this matchup is the team names... My Team Sucks looks like the team with the Greatest Offense and Greatest Offense loooks like the one that will be searching for answers. At least, at this point - Jaxson Dart is going to get your $20 back.

How Sucks wins: You hope that you don't do what did in week 1. It is almost shocking to see a team with this much potential and look back at what they did in week 1. They scored 85 points and 25 came from Zay Flowers - whaaaaaaatttt??? The name of the game is, "Do your job!" Do it this week, get a win, move up the rankings.

Prediction: My Team Sucks

Mystery Guest: My Team Sucks

Hardly Know Her (0-1) v Ertz when Eifert (0-1)

How Hardly wins: Get any help through the air. Taylor and Etienne did just fine - especially consider both teams lost and were in passing scripts (Saints had 400+ passing yards and Baltimore looked like they control the ball everytime I looked up). Harldy needs something bigger from Rice/Odunze/Ferguson. Rice has a major opportunity against Indy - Zay Flowers just torched them and they are similar players. Help should be on the way boys!

How Ertz wins: Goff to ARSB. There is nothing better than having a stud WR and his QB on the same team. Goff is never going to be a fantasy QB that just blows you away number wise - but he will remain efficient and that is all you can ask for. What will blow you away is ARSB - and every time he scores, it is essentially 10 points instead of 6 - thank-you for the 4 points added to Goff. If these two can keep a strong connection going, this is a deadly team.

Prediction: Ertz when Eifert

Mystery Guest: Hardly Know Her

As always, good luck to everyone - except you, Slender TD's - may your entire roster declare to be drafted in the WNBA and forever be stuck in the cycle of women's basketball hell.

With Love

Commish

Week 1 Predictions

Fantasy Guru: 5-2

Mystery Guest: 4-3

2026 is UNDERWAY

Welcome back D-Bags! It is time for another year of football, which means job productivity goes down and toilet tinkering goes up! For you young guns, toilet tinkering is the act of fake pooping to avoid the family so you have some alone time to make the necessary adjustments to your fantasy team. Is it important to the season? Hell yes.

For those that don't know the rules to this league... 

One of the all-time great movies, if you haven't seen - you must watch before the completion of week 1. Now for our actual rules...

A) You must always try to win with your own team - no collusion. As long as you are constantly trying to win with your own team... everything is free game.

B) You don't get to vote on trades - once accepted between 2 managers, who also obeying rule A - I will push it through

C) Once your team is eliminated from playoff contention - your lineup is locked: no picking up players, no dropping players, and no trading

D) If you get offended easily... you can leave!

As we all know, the draft took place on Sunday and per ritual - the DDA followed. If you were not there, it was noted in the logs. Here are the rankings from the DDA - and yes, this is even more important than ESPN's liberal (as one manager put it) rankings.

1. Penias and Ferb - Was there ever a doubt this was happening?

??? = Chris Olave, 3rd round/30th overall/10th WR overall

ZZZ = Matthew Golden, 8th round/111th overall/46th WR overall

Dots = Javonte Willams/Jayden Daniels/Matthew Golden

Betting line = 11.5 wins

Player Prop = Jayden Daniels plays in all 16 (fantasy relevant games) and outscores Jaxson Dart by 100 points.

2. The J-Bones - An interesting argument could be made for the top spot of the DDA

??? = Malik Nabers, 3rd round/ 35th overall/13th WR overall

ZZZ = KC Concepcion, 10th round/134th overall/56th WR overall

Dots = Wan'Dale Robinson/RJ Harvey

Betting line = 11.5 wins

Player Prop = CMC and McBride combine to score 550+ fantasy points for the season.

3. Factory of Sadness - Top 3 is nothing to be upset about

??? = AJ Brown, 2nd round/18th overall/7th WR overall

ZZZ = Blake Corum, 8th round/102nd overall/37th RB overall

Dots = Isaiah Likely

Betting line = 10.5 wins

Player Prop = Blake Corum is starting running back by week 7

4. Tuten My Horn - Does having 2 sleepers help you move up in the DDA?

??? = Kyren Williams, 3rd round/29th overall/17th RB overall

ZZZ = Xavier Worthy, 9th round/116th overall/50th WR overall

ZZZ Deux = Rashid Shaheed, 11th Round/144th overall/60th WR overall

Dots = Jaxson Dart/Bhayshul Tuten/Travis Kelce

Betting line = 10.5 wins

Player Prop = Travis Kelce and Mark Andrews combine for 18 or more touchdowns for the season

5. Barely Even Know Her - Sometimes it pays to just lay low and let your team move up the rankings

??? = Rashee Rice, 2nd round/26th overall/9th WR overall

ZZZ = De'Zhaun Stribling, WHO THE FOOK IS THAT GUY?!?!?

Dot = Marvin Harrison Jr.

Betting line = 7.5 wins

Player Prop = Joe Burrow finishes as a top 3 fantasy QB

6. Ertz when Eifert - Catch the error with the marker... move up a spot!

??? = Breece Hall, 2nd round/21st overall/13th RB overall

ZZZ = Tank Dell, 10th round/133rd overall/55th WR overall

Dot = Tee Higgins

Betting line = 8.5 wins

Player Prop = Tee Higgins finishes as a top 20 fantasy WR.

7. Ankle Holster - It looks like the sleeper is already paying off

??? = Josh Jacobs, lucky if this dude plays this season

ZZZ = Marshawn Lloyd, 10th round/140th overall/48th RB overall

Dot = Rashod Bateman

Betting line = 8.5 wins

Player Prop = Josh Jacobs starts 7 games this season

8. Greatest Offense There is - This is where we begin to enter the bottleneck in the fight for the playoff starts

??? = Jeremiyah Love, 2nd round/23rd overall/14th RB overall

ZZZ = Brenton Strange, 11th round/146th overall/17th TE overall

Dot = Carnell Tate

Betting line = 7.5 wins

Player Prop = Jadarian Price outscores Jeremiyah Love in fantasy by the end of the season

9. Cleveland Steamers - A team made up of "Thirds"

??? = DJ Moore, 4th round/48th overall/21st WR overall

ZZZ = Josh Downs, 8th round, 104th overall/43rd WR overall

Dot = Luther Burden III

Betting Line = 7.5 wins

Player Prop = Luther Burden III outscores Rome Odunze in fantasy

10. Mounsey Zombies - first missed draft... first to be ranked 10th or lower - coincidence? 

??? = Derrick Henry - 2nd round/15th overall/10th RB overall

ZZZ = Romeo Doubs - 9th round/126th overall/52nd WR overall

Dot = Isiah Pacheco

Betting Line = 7.5 wins

Player Prop = Jordan Love starts 4 or more games for Mounsey Zombies

11. Shough me Jeanty - here's hoping to injury is the namesake player is nothing serious

??? = Ashton Jeanty - 2nd round/16th overall/11th RB overall

ZZZ = Tyler Shough - 9th round/125th overall/15th QB overall... Dontayvion Wicks - 14th round/184th overall/71st WR overall

Dot = Michael Wilson

Betting Line = 6.5 wins

Player Prop = Tyler Shough finishes inside the top 10 QB's for fantasy football

12. A.R's Broken Finger - Moved up one spot from last year's DDA... maybe a sign of things to come?

??? = Colston Loveland - 3rd round/40th overall/3rd TE overall

ZZZ = Kyle Monangai - 8th round/101st overall/36th RB overall

Dot = Jalen Coker

Betting Line = 6.5 wins

Player Prop = Kenneth Gainwell has more touchdowns than David Montgomery

13. My Team Sucks - Yes, yes it does

??? = Devon Achane - 1st round/10th overall/6th RB overall

ZZZ = Jalen McMillan - 12th round/159th overall/63rd WR overall

Dot = Harold Fannin, Jr

Betting Line = 5.5 wins

Player Prop = Brock Purdy is in the starting lineup more than Dak Prescott

14. Slender TD's - Who has 2 thumbs and auto-drafted their team? This guy did.

??? = Davante Adams - 4th round/52nd overall/23rd WR overall

ZZZ = Jordan Addison - 9th round/117th overall/51st WR overall

Dot = Travis Hunter

Betting Line = 4.5 wins

Player Prop = Brock Bowers finishes outside the top 3 TE's in fantasy football

Things to note:

Worst pick of the draft.... Rashee Rice (26th overall) (Barely Know Her). 

        There are a lot of picks that can be labeled as "reaches" - but every time I look over the Draft Recap, his name stands out. Rice has yet to play a full season and his QB is coming off a major knee injury. Not to mention the fact that the man shared a cell with Andy Dufresne in the offseason. There are just too many red flags to deal with when it comes to taking Rice over Nico/Pickens/Olave/Nabers... I think Rice would fit it in with the next group of WR (Devonta/G. Wilson/Egbuka/Tet/Waddle).

Best pick of the draft.... Jordan Mason (118th overall) (Greatest Offense)

        There are quite a few picks of the draft that you could argue - Tyler Allgeier (round 10), Marsahwn Lloyd (round 10), Justin Herbert (10th overall QB taken). However, there is a big belief that Mason overtakes Aaron Jones in Minnesota's backfield and that will create a lot of opportunity for a late round flyer. If that does happen, RB's who have played with Kyler Murray have comfortable finished inside the top 10 in PPG. Mason could find himself in a pretty good situation moving forward.

Wildest moment in the draft.... The Trade

        Ankle Holster and Tuten my Horn made a mid-draft trade that rarely gets executed. They swapped RB's: Josh Jacobs for Kyren Williams. On top of that happening, new was being released that Jacobs woul find himself on the NFL Commissioner's exempt list - which means he would not be seeing the field. Ankle Holster traded for Jacobs - then drafted Marshawn Lloyd (his replacement). Don't get me wrong this is a "homer" trade through and through - but there are rumors that Holster is going to try and piece together a team of woman beaters - Ray Rice is his next target.

Bets made during the D.D.D

        A) Ankle Holster v Factory of Sadness - $20 for the best record between the 2 teams. This hinges on if Josh Jacobs comes back and Green Bay is not a committee in the backfield. Lloyd could have a great start to the year and it could showcase that a committee is not a bad thing - which would spell disaster for Ankle Holster. Smart Money says to take the side of Factory... but this could be closer than you think.

        B) Jayden Daniels v Jaxson Dart - $20 for the most PPG. Some would say the Daniels side got a little hoodwinked, but they remain confident. In a season long battle the advantage is leaning heavier towards Daniels - who is projected to score nearly 30 more fantasy points than Dart and if comparing the rookie seasons... Daniels outscores Dart by over 100 points. However, none of that matters - it is a PPG battle and in this arena, someone like Isaiah Pacheco could outshine Bijan Robinson.

Let just get to the important things...

Week 1 Matchups

Matchup of the Week

Penias and Ferb v The J-Bones

These two teams are projected to have the closest battle and the score the most combined points in the matchup. Not to mention, they both received an "A" from liberal ESPN and they ranked 1 and 2 respectively in the DDA. In other words, this is for the early battle at the top.

Position Battle to Watch: J. Daniels v J. Hurts

        Hurts is favored to win the position battle by 5 points - which is a big swing in favor of The J-Bones. The interesting part is that the two QB's face off against each other. Ferb and the boys are putting a lot eggs in the basket of Daniels and this is a big opportunity to showcase all he can do.

How The J-Bones win: Perform like you did last year. Hurts averaged 18.7 ppg and scored 19.4 points against Washington last year. CMC averaged 24.5 ppg (but this LAR has a new look defense) last season. Swift and Nabers averaged 14+ ppg last season. Metcalf averaged nearly 13 ppg last season. McBride had 19 ppg last season. That brings The J-bones already over 100 points in a matchup and that doesn't include a FLEX/K/DEF - which could all combine for 30-40 points. That is going to be a tough total to bear.

How Penias and Ferb win: Heavy reliance on big output from the RB department. Gibbs and Williams need to be studs week-in and week-out. They will need to have a few usable outputs from the WR/TE department - but this team is going to rely on the studs running the ball.

Prediction: Penias and Ferb

Mystery Guest: The J-Bones

Cleveland Streamers v Mounsey Zombies

How Streamers win: The obvious answer would be the winning the receiving battle - but I actually think that the RB's is more key. This is going to be a big game for Walker - who is the reigning Super Bowl MVP, but now on a new team. The Chiefs will need to showcase their new weapon; and nobody does that better than Andy Reid. 

How Zombies win: Ravens have a big day on the ground against Indianapolis and their iffy run defense. Lamar and Henry are in line to have a big start to the season and if Zombies want a shot getting that first big win, it is going to come through them. If both Lamar and Henry can score 20+ points - this could be a good week for the Zombies.

Prediction: Mounsey Zombies

Mystery Guest: Mounsey Zombies

Slender TD's v A.R's Broken Finger

How Slender wins: Consistency. Often times fantasy football runs into who has the stud that had the biggest week - this team is different. They have a slew of guys that could easily score between 15 and 20 points each week. If they can get all 7 positional players in that range (which is not out of the question), they will get the win this week.

How Broken wins: WR's finding touchdowns. Lamb and Jefferson are both top 5 WR's skill wise - but the question becomes QB efficiency and opportunity. If they can get 10-15 targets each and both find the endzone... they both could realistically score in the upper 20's and that would be a tough tandem to take down.

Prediction: Slender TD's

Mystery Guest: Slender TD's

Ankle Holster v Greatest Offense There is

How Holster wins: Reliance on the big 2 - there was a lot of flack being thrown around on D-Day about how early Josh Allen was taken. Now is the time for Mr. Backyard football to show he was worth it. Realistically, Allen and Robinson could combine for 60+ points. Realistically, that needs to happen if Holster wants a shot.

How GOT wins: Youngs guns need to show up. There is some pressure on Love/Tate/Price to show that they are the ready for the NFL - not to mention the fact that GOT is relying on it. Will Love's injury affect is opportunity share? Can the Titans get Tate the ball? Is Price ready to be a starter for the first time in his post-high school career? If the answer is yes to those questions - GOT wins this week.

Prediction: GOT

Mystery Guest: Ankle Holster

Factory of Sadness v Nailor? I barely know her

How Factory wins: Live up to the hype. There has been a lot of hype building around the fantasy career of Caleb Williams and Chase Brown - they need to live up to it. Egbuka put a target on his back last season - when he exploded on the scene with Baker finding him deep (over 20+ yard) 20 times in 2025. These 3 players all saw their fantasy stock rise... show me it was worth it.

How Nailor wins: Stay healthy and stay on the field. Joe Burrow is a top 3 QB talent - if no the top guy, but availability is the best ability. Don't get hurt and stay alive. Rashee Rice should have a chip on his shoulder - I know he reads this blog and is not happy about being voted the worst pick of the draft - prove me wrong - stay out of trouble. MHJ - it is about time you showed up in any aspect of the NFL. 

Prediction: Factory of Sadness

Mystery Guest: Factory of Sadness

Shough me Jeanty v My Team Sucks

How Jeanty wins: Keep the position battles close. ESPN projects that Jeanty and Steelers DEF are the only position battles they should win - I don't buy it. Every battle is closer than it looks and in order for this team to have a chance, they need to stay close enough and win the right ones. I love Hampton in this spot - he needs to have a day and that is position battle that can be flipped.

How Sucks win: Harold Fanin Jr. It is weird to put everything on a black guy named Harold - but in reality he might be their top receiving target. The Browns definitely got worse in the off-season (losing Mr. Myles), so they should be in a passing script early. Fanin could have a day - correction, needs to have a day.

Prediction: Shough me Jeanty

Mystery Guest: My Team Sucks

Tuten my Horn v Ertz when Eifert

How Tuten wins: Wide Receivers. Chase is arguably one of the scariest players in fantasy football. When Burrow is healthy, Chase can score 30+ points in a heartbeat. Nico Collins doesn't need a QB to stay healthy... he needs to stay healthy. Nico has yet to play a full season of games - but when he plays, he is a likely candidate to get 10+ targets. These two need to have a big week for Tuten to get the win.

How Ertz wins: Goff and ARSB connection. These two need to combine for a touchdown this week - maybe 2. There are question marks throughout the line-up in terms of opportunity, injuries, age - but these two need to show up and show up together. ARSB is a top receiver in the league - but he is one of many weapons on the Lions offense. Goff needs to find the connection with ARSB early and often this week.

Prediction: Tuten my Horn

Mystery Guest: Tuten my Horn

As always, good to everyone - except you, The J-Bones - may your entire roster declare to be drafted in the WNBA and forever be stuck in the cycle of women's basketball hell.

With Love

Commish