Welcome back D-Bags! It is time for another year of football, which means job productivity goes down and toilet tinkering goes up! For you young guns, toilet tinkering is the act of fake pooping to avoid the family so you have some alone time to make the necessary adjustments to your fantasy team. Is it important to the season? Hell yes.
For those that don't know the rules to this league...
One of the all-time great movies, if you haven't seen - you must watch before the completion of week 1. Now for our actual rules...
A) You must always try to win with your own team - no collusion. As long as you are constantly trying to win with your own team... everything is free game.
B) You don't get to vote on trades - once accepted between 2 managers, who also obeying rule A - I will push it through
C) Once your team is eliminated from playoff contention - your lineup is locked: no picking up players, no dropping players, and no trading
D) If you get offended easily... you can leave!
As we all know, the draft took place on Sunday and per ritual - the DDA followed. If you were not there, it was noted in the logs. Here are the rankings from the DDA - and yes, this is even more important than ESPN's liberal (as one manager put it) rankings.
1. Penias and Ferb - Was there ever a doubt this was happening?
??? = Chris Olave, 3rd round/30th overall/10th WR overall
ZZZ = Matthew Golden, 8th round/111th overall/46th WR overall
Dots = Javonte Willams/Jayden Daniels/Matthew Golden
Betting line = 11.5 wins
Player Prop = Jayden Daniels plays in all 16 (fantasy relevant games) and outscores Jaxson Dart by 100 points.
2. The J-Bones - An interesting argument could be made for the top spot of the DDA
??? = Malik Nabers, 3rd round/ 35th overall/13th WR overall
ZZZ = KC Concepcion, 10th round/134th overall/56th WR overall
Dots = Wan'Dale Robinson/RJ Harvey
Betting line = 11.5 wins
Player Prop = CMC and McBride combine to score 550+ fantasy points for the season.
3. Factory of Sadness - Top 3 is nothing to be upset about
??? = AJ Brown, 2nd round/18th overall/7th WR overall
ZZZ = Blake Corum, 8th round/102nd overall/37th RB overall
Dots = Isaiah Likely
Betting line = 10.5 wins
Player Prop = Blake Corum is starting running back by week 7
4. Tuten My Horn - Does having 2 sleepers help you move up in the DDA?
??? = Kyren Williams, 3rd round/29th overall/17th RB overall
ZZZ = Xavier Worthy, 9th round/116th overall/50th WR overall
ZZZ Deux = Rashid Shaheed, 11th Round/144th overall/60th WR overall
Dots = Jaxson Dart/Bhayshul Tuten/Travis Kelce
Betting line = 10.5 wins
Player Prop = Travis Kelce and Mark Andrews combine for 18 or more touchdowns for the season
5. Barely Even Know Her - Sometimes it pays to just lay low and let your team move up the rankings
??? = Rashee Rice, 2nd round/26th overall/9th WR overall
ZZZ = De'Zhaun Stribling, WHO THE FOOK IS THAT GUY?!?!?
Dot = Marvin Harrison Jr.
Betting line = 7.5 wins
Player Prop = Joe Burrow finishes as a top 3 fantasy QB
6. Ertz when Eifert - Catch the error with the marker... move up a spot!
??? = Breece Hall, 2nd round/21st overall/13th RB overall
ZZZ = Tank Dell, 10th round/133rd overall/55th WR overall
Dot = Tee Higgins
Betting line = 8.5 wins
Player Prop = Tee Higgins finishes as a top 20 fantasy WR.
7. Ankle Holster - It looks like the sleeper is already paying off
??? = Josh Jacobs, lucky if this dude plays this season
ZZZ = Marshawn Lloyd, 10th round/140th overall/48th RB overall
Dot = Rashod Bateman
Betting line = 8.5 wins
Player Prop = Josh Jacobs starts 7 games this season
8. Greatest Offense There is - This is where we begin to enter the bottleneck in the fight for the playoff starts
??? = Jeremiyah Love, 2nd round/23rd overall/14th RB overall
ZZZ = Brenton Strange, 11th round/146th overall/17th TE overall
Dot = Carnell Tate
Betting line = 7.5 wins
Player Prop = Jadarian Price outscores Jeremiyah Love in fantasy by the end of the season
9. Cleveland Steamers - A team made up of "Thirds"
??? = DJ Moore, 4th round/48th overall/21st WR overall
ZZZ = Josh Downs, 8th round, 104th overall/43rd WR overall
Dot = Luther Burden III
Betting Line = 7.5 wins
Player Prop = Luther Burden III outscores Rome Odunze in fantasy
10. Mounsey Zombies - first missed draft... first to be ranked 10th or lower - coincidence?
??? = Derrick Henry - 2nd round/15th overall/10th RB overall
ZZZ = Romeo Doubs - 9th round/126th overall/52nd WR overall
Dot = Isiah Pacheco
Betting Line = 7.5 wins
Player Prop = Jordan Love starts 4 or more games for Mounsey Zombies
11. Shough me Jeanty - here's hoping to injury is the namesake player is nothing serious
??? = Ashton Jeanty - 2nd round/16th overall/11th RB overall
ZZZ = Tyler Shough - 9th round/125th overall/15th QB overall... Dontayvion Wicks - 14th round/184th overall/71st WR overall
Dot = Michael Wilson
Betting Line = 6.5 wins
Player Prop = Tyler Shough finishes inside the top 10 QB's for fantasy football
12. A.R's Broken Finger - Moved up one spot from last year's DDA... maybe a sign of things to come?
??? = Colston Loveland - 3rd round/40th overall/3rd TE overall
ZZZ = Kyle Monangai - 8th round/101st overall/36th RB overall
Dot = Jalen Coker
Betting Line = 6.5 wins
Player Prop = Kenneth Gainwell has more touchdowns than David Montgomery
13. My Team Sucks - Yes, yes it does
??? = Devon Achane - 1st round/10th overall/6th RB overall
ZZZ = Jalen McMillan - 12th round/159th overall/63rd WR overall
Dot = Harold Fannin, Jr
Betting Line = 5.5 wins
Player Prop = Brock Purdy is in the starting lineup more than Dak Prescott
14. Slender TD's - Who has 2 thumbs and auto-drafted their team? This guy did.
??? = Davante Adams - 4th round/52nd overall/23rd WR overall
ZZZ = Jordan Addison - 9th round/117th overall/51st WR overall
Dot = Travis Hunter
Betting Line = 4.5 wins
Player Prop = Brock Bowers finishes outside the top 3 TE's in fantasy football
Things to note:
Worst pick of the draft.... Rashee Rice (26th overall) (Barely Know Her).
There are a lot of picks that can be labeled as "reaches" - but every time I look over the Draft Recap, his name stands out. Rice has yet to play a full season and his QB is coming off a major knee injury. Not to mention the fact that the man shared a cell with Andy Dufresne in the offseason. There are just too many red flags to deal with when it comes to taking Rice over Nico/Pickens/Olave/Nabers... I think Rice would fit it in with the next group of WR (Devonta/G. Wilson/Egbuka/Tet/Waddle).
Best pick of the draft.... Jordan Mason (118th overall) (Greatest Offense)
There are quite a few picks of the draft that you could argue - Tyler Allgeier (round 10), Marsahwn Lloyd (round 10), Justin Herbert (10th overall QB taken). However, there is a big belief that Mason overtakes Aaron Jones in Minnesota's backfield and that will create a lot of opportunity for a late round flyer. If that does happen, RB's who have played with Kyler Murray have comfortable finished inside the top 10 in PPG. Mason could find himself in a pretty good situation moving forward.
Wildest moment in the draft.... The Trade
Ankle Holster and Tuten my Horn made a mid-draft trade that rarely gets executed. They swapped RB's: Josh Jacobs for Kyren Williams. On top of that happening, new was being released that Jacobs woul find himself on the NFL Commissioner's exempt list - which means he would not be seeing the field. Ankle Holster traded for Jacobs - then drafted Marshawn Lloyd (his replacement). Don't get me wrong this is a "homer" trade through and through - but there are rumors that Holster is going to try and piece together a team of woman beaters - Ray Rice is his next target.
Bets made during the D.D.D
A) Ankle Holster v Factory of Sadness - $20 for the best record between the 2 teams. This hinges on if Josh Jacobs comes back and Green Bay is not a committee in the backfield. Lloyd could have a great start to the year and it could showcase that a committee is not a bad thing - which would spell disaster for Ankle Holster. Smart Money says to take the side of Factory... but this could be closer than you think.
B) Jayden Daniels v Jaxson Dart - $20 for the most PPG. Some would say the Daniels side got a little hoodwinked, but they remain confident. In a season long battle the advantage is leaning heavier towards Daniels - who is projected to score nearly 30 more fantasy points than Dart and if comparing the rookie seasons... Daniels outscores Dart by over 100 points. However, none of that matters - it is a PPG battle and in this arena, someone like Isaiah Pacheco could outshine Bijan Robinson.
Let just get to the important things...
Week 1 Matchups
Matchup of the Week
Penias and Ferb v The J-Bones
These two teams are projected to have the closest battle and the score the most combined points in the matchup. Not to mention, they both received an "A" from liberal ESPN and they ranked 1 and 2 respectively in the DDA. In other words, this is for the early battle at the top.
Position Battle to Watch: J. Daniels v J. Hurts
Hurts is favored to win the position battle by 5 points - which is a big swing in favor of The J-Bones. The interesting part is that the two QB's face off against each other. Ferb and the boys are putting a lot eggs in the basket of Daniels and this is a big opportunity to showcase all he can do.
How The J-Bones win: Perform like you did last year. Hurts averaged 18.7 ppg and scored 19.4 points against Washington last year. CMC averaged 24.5 ppg (but this LAR has a new look defense) last season. Swift and Nabers averaged 14+ ppg last season. Metcalf averaged nearly 13 ppg last season. McBride had 19 ppg last season. That brings The J-bones already over 100 points in a matchup and that doesn't include a FLEX/K/DEF - which could all combine for 30-40 points. That is going to be a tough total to bear.
How Penias and Ferb win: Heavy reliance on big output from the RB department. Gibbs and Williams need to be studs week-in and week-out. They will need to have a few usable outputs from the WR/TE department - but this team is going to rely on the studs running the ball.
Prediction: Penias and Ferb
Mystery Guest: The J-Bones
Cleveland Streamers v Mounsey Zombies
How Streamers win: The obvious answer would be the winning the receiving battle - but I actually think that the RB's is more key. This is going to be a big game for Walker - who is the reigning Super Bowl MVP, but now on a new team. The Chiefs will need to showcase their new weapon; and nobody does that better than Andy Reid.
How Zombies win: Ravens have a big day on the ground against Indianapolis and their iffy run defense. Lamar and Henry are in line to have a big start to the season and if Zombies want a shot getting that first big win, it is going to come through them. If both Lamar and Henry can score 20+ points - this could be a good week for the Zombies.
Prediction: Mounsey Zombies
Mystery Guest: Mounsey Zombies
Slender TD's v A.R's Broken Finger
How Slender wins: Consistency. Often times fantasy football runs into who has the stud that had the biggest week - this team is different. They have a slew of guys that could easily score between 15 and 20 points each week. If they can get all 7 positional players in that range (which is not out of the question), they will get the win this week.
How Broken wins: WR's finding touchdowns. Lamb and Jefferson are both top 5 WR's skill wise - but the question becomes QB efficiency and opportunity. If they can get 10-15 targets each and both find the endzone... they both could realistically score in the upper 20's and that would be a tough tandem to take down.
Prediction: Slender TD's
Mystery Guest: Slender TD's
Ankle Holster v Greatest Offense There is
How Holster wins: Reliance on the big 2 - there was a lot of flack being thrown around on D-Day about how early Josh Allen was taken. Now is the time for Mr. Backyard football to show he was worth it. Realistically, Allen and Robinson could combine for 60+ points. Realistically, that needs to happen if Holster wants a shot.
How GOT wins: Youngs guns need to show up. There is some pressure on Love/Tate/Price to show that they are the ready for the NFL - not to mention the fact that GOT is relying on it. Will Love's injury affect is opportunity share? Can the Titans get Tate the ball? Is Price ready to be a starter for the first time in his post-high school career? If the answer is yes to those questions - GOT wins this week.
Prediction: GOT
Mystery Guest: Ankle Holster
Factory of Sadness v Nailor? I barely know her
How Factory wins: Live up to the hype. There has been a lot of hype building around the fantasy career of Caleb Williams and Chase Brown - they need to live up to it. Egbuka put a target on his back last season - when he exploded on the scene with Baker finding him deep (over 20+ yard) 20 times in 2025. These 3 players all saw their fantasy stock rise... show me it was worth it.
How Nailor wins: Stay healthy and stay on the field. Joe Burrow is a top 3 QB talent - if no the top guy, but availability is the best ability. Don't get hurt and stay alive. Rashee Rice should have a chip on his shoulder - I know he reads this blog and is not happy about being voted the worst pick of the draft - prove me wrong - stay out of trouble. MHJ - it is about time you showed up in any aspect of the NFL.
Prediction: Factory of Sadness
Mystery Guest: Factory of Sadness
Shough me Jeanty v My Team Sucks
How Jeanty wins: Keep the position battles close. ESPN projects that Jeanty and Steelers DEF are the only position battles they should win - I don't buy it. Every battle is closer than it looks and in order for this team to have a chance, they need to stay close enough and win the right ones. I love Hampton in this spot - he needs to have a day and that is position battle that can be flipped.
How Sucks win: Harold Fanin Jr. It is weird to put everything on a black guy named Harold - but in reality he might be their top receiving target. The Browns definitely got worse in the off-season (losing Mr. Myles), so they should be in a passing script early. Fanin could have a day - correction, needs to have a day.
Prediction: Shough me Jeanty
Mystery Guest: My Team Sucks
Tuten my Horn v Ertz when Eifert
How Tuten wins: Wide Receivers. Chase is arguably one of the scariest players in fantasy football. When Burrow is healthy, Chase can score 30+ points in a heartbeat. Nico Collins doesn't need a QB to stay healthy... he needs to stay healthy. Nico has yet to play a full season of games - but when he plays, he is a likely candidate to get 10+ targets. These two need to have a big week for Tuten to get the win.
How Ertz wins: Goff and ARSB connection. These two need to combine for a touchdown this week - maybe 2. There are question marks throughout the line-up in terms of opportunity, injuries, age - but these two need to show up and show up together. ARSB is a top receiver in the league - but he is one of many weapons on the Lions offense. Goff needs to find the connection with ARSB early and often this week.
Prediction: Tuten my Horn
Mystery Guest: Tuten my Horn
As always, good to everyone - except you, The J-Bones - may your entire roster declare to be drafted in the WNBA and forever be stuck in the cycle of women's basketball hell.
With Love
Commish
