Week 4 Predictions

There are few things in life that you could win without actually knowing that you are winning or without a ton of talent. In most sports, if you work hard or you are extremely gifted - you will succeed more often than not. In a few things that does not matter....

1. Lottery Winners - This should be self-explanatory. In fact, most educated people understand that when they buy a lottery ticket, they are not going to win. Which begs the question: Why even buy the ticket in the first place? 

2. Taking a good shit - Some might argue that it is an artful. Some might even argue that it is a skill, one that should be practiced. However, I would argue - no matter what your body is going to digest what you eat. No matter what you are going to have to dispose of the waste. No matter what - that shit is coming out of you.

3. Candyland - This is the worst board game in allllllll of the world. There is no skill involved - there is no strategy involved. There isn't even dice in this game!!! This is literally just picking a color and moving a piece across a board. Any time my kids ask to play this game I just tell them to go to their room and think about their life choices.

Apparently, Fantasy Football belongs on this list - if someone can start Dalvin Cook when he is out and still get a win. You know what though, good for him. Good for Bluffton Backup Backups. As I have stated hundreds of times, I will never root against someone who willingly paid league dues and took over a team that he did not get to draft. Who saved this league from the purgatory of "he who shall not be named" dropping out. You deserve this.

Matchup of the Week

Bluffton Backup Backups (3-0) v PEN15 Wrinkle (2-1)

Triple B has earned their way into the MotW. The big question remains: Will Dalvin Cook play? Will Dalvin Cook remain in the starting lineup? At this point, I am not sure it really matters - I have never seen a lineup with such awful matchups in terms of defenses they are facing. Prescott v Carolina - the current top ranked defense in the NFL. Cook v Cleveland - just look at last week and what Cleveland's defense did. Swift v Chicago - Chicago will be able to focus on the running backs (there is nothing else in Detroit). Allen v Las Vegas - Vegas has shut down nearly every offense it has faced up to this point. Godwin v New England - this is going to be battle no matter what with the storylines surrounding this game. I am picking the upset solely based upon matchups and the difficulty they will present. Now is your time to shine PEN15, NOW IS THE TIME!!!

Prediction: PEN15 Wrinkle

Mystery Guest: Bluffton Backup Backups

The Fortune Cockies (2-1) v Dixie Normous (0-3)

We all know what is coming here.... I am going to pick The Fortune Cockies to win in a landslide. After last week and saying how Dixie Normous might be the worst team in the league.... history - then my team has to face them. This is exactly the bulletin board material that Dixie needs to spark some energy into the squad and pull off an huuuuuge upset. Would we be surprised if it happened? No. Should it happen? HELL NO. 

Prediction: The Fortune Cockies

Mystery Guest: The Fortune Cockies

Hoosier Daddy? (2-1) v Aaron Rodgers Blows Llamas* (2-1)

Well, well, well.... it looks like we have a battle of two of the top three QB/WR stacks. In one corner we have the Bills Mafia's very own Allen and Diggs. Last year they burst onto the scene and have become a dangerous tandem that has looked to torch opposing defensive secondaries. In the other corner we have Chiefs - more politically correct "Leaders of the Native Homosapiens that once occupied the land that we now call America" - Patty Mahomes and Tyreek Hill. These two have showcased the ability to go absolutely nuts in a matter of one quarter. Unfortunately, the "Leaders of the Native Homosapiens that once occupied the land that we now call America" have not looked like themselves and the Bills Mafia have been on a mission since losing week 1. Give me Allen/Diggs for the win.

Prediction: Hoosier Daddy?

Mystery Guest: Hoosier Daddy?

The J-Bones (1-2) v DK Country* (1-2)

What does a team do when they lose not only their first round pick, but also the number one overall pick in fantasy football? Throw in a backup and pray that they are able to pick up the slack somewhere else. Unfortunately, The J-Bones face-off against DK Country and welcome the 4th highest scoring team - who somehow has a losing record. Interestingly enough, Stafford's Rams go against Murray's Cardinals in a battle for the division. The Rams might win the battle - but Murray provides an opportunity to scramble and score a lot of points with his legs. Look for Murray to win the fantasy battle and give his team the edge.

Prediction: DK Country

Mystery Guest: The J-Bones

Fresh Start* (2-1) v Ankle Holster (0-3)

Ankle Holster might not be the worst team - but it isn't far off. It is going to take a heroic performance from Rodgers and Adams to even keep this match close. There is a lot of firepower from Fresh Start - whose only weak position is the TE. I am not confident in 2-Glvoes Teddy going against Baltimore this week, but once again there is just too much firepower coming from the entire lineup for Fresh Start. Unless, Rodgers and Adams have a night where they connect for 10+ receptions and 2+ touchdowns - look for this to be an absolute demolition.

Prediction: Fresh Start

Mystery Guest: Ankle Holster

Church Vans (2-1) v Country Roads (2-1)

I will be completely honest; at this point, it is just more fun to try and justify a reason to not pick Church Vans. Luckily, in this matchup it is easy to justify - Country Roads just has too many comfy matchups. Outside of Jefferson facing off against Cleveland's defense - nearly every other matchup is filled with weak defenses. Look for Country Roads to bounce back from last week and continue the downward spiral that Church Vans is on. Hey, at least that means the Tigers should win!

Prediction: Country Roads

Mystery Guest: Church Vans

Teardrop TD's (0-3) v Hernandez Hit Men (2-1)

This will be a battle of "Studs and Duds" vs "Depth." Teardrop has an elite level QB (Jackson), elite level running back (Chubb), elite level wide receiver (Lamb) - but everyone else? Honestly, there are a few of those players that would get overlooked on the waiver wire. On the flip side, HHM has good depth throughout his entire lineup. Will one of his starters pop-off and then the rest just pull their weight and have a normal week? If so, this will be an easy win for HHM. It is going to take huuuuge weeks from Lamb/Jackson/Chubb in order to be competitive.

Prediction: Hernandez Hit Men

Mystery Guest: Hernandez Hit Men

As always, I wish everyone good luck - except for Dixie Normous, may his entire roster burn in a fiery helicopter crash eerily similar to the one that took down Kobe!

With Love

Commish

Week 3 Results

And then there was one.

Not only one - one who played Dalvin Cook in the starting lineup. How do we get mad about someone who is still undefeated and plays a player that was ruled out well before the game. Not that it mattered - the only backup he had to put in for Cook was Singletary and he didn't exactly light up the scoreboard. 

On the flip side, there are still multiple teams still struggling to get that first win. A few of them, it looks like it might take a few more weeks to finally get the win (Ankle Holster and Dixie Normous). Will this be the season when the playoff push is decided much sooner rather than later? Probably not. This is fantasy football!

Matchup of the Week

Fresh Start* (2-1) v Hoosier Daddy? (2-1) 

Finally, a battle worthy of the Matchup of the Week. When the losing team nearly scores 130 points and has a player go off for 30 points on his own - you know this was one for the ages. The big question.... is Cooper Kupp the number one player in all of fantasy football? I know he is there now, but will he finish there? How about one for the white guys! In this matchup: Allen scored 37, Kupp scored 30, Thielen scored 17, both kickers combined for almost 30 points. Don't ask Dennis Rodman what he thinks about a white man dominating a sport....

Prediction: Hoosier Daddy?..... RIGHT!!

Mystery Guest: Hoosier Daddy?..... RIGHT!!

The Fortune Cockies (2-1) v Country Roads (2-1)

Was there any doubt? Darnold started the week off strong, with a big showing on Thursday Night. Then there was a steady showing throughout the lineup with Robinson finally having his breakthrough week. There is a lot of opportunity in TFC's lineup - on the flip side, Country Roads' has a top heavy starting lineup. With four players scoring over 20 points - Hurts/Kamara/Mattison/Jefferson. However, along with those top level players - multiple players scored less than 10 points: Cook/Sutton/Buccs/Butker. There is a lot of top level talent, but there needs to be consistency behind the big-time scoring.

Prediction: The Fortune Cockies.... RIGHT!!

Mystery Guest: Country Roads..... WRONG!!

Bluffton Backup Backups (3-0) v The J-Bones (1-2)

Annnnnnd then there was one.... who needs Dalvin Cook? In all reality, maybe BBB was just trying to keep things even - after CMC went down on TNF; BBB decided to make things far and leave Dalvin Cook in the lineup. Cooks had a huge night and Swift continues to score points. Those two are nice surprises for BBB. Allen and Godwin are studs and will continue to be consistent throughout the season. The big question for The J-Bones will be what happens with CMC. Who will fill-in for McCaffrey during the absence? The J-Bones are ripe to the taking while CMC is out for the count.

Prediction: Bluffton Backup Backups.... RIGHT!!

Mystery Guest: Bluffton Backup Backups.... RIGHT!!

Aaron Rodgers Blows Llamas* (2-1) v Dixie Normous (0-3)

What is there to say about this matchup? I know that there are 14 teams in this league so there is technically no bye-week, buuuuuttttt we all have eyes. We all see what is happening. Dixie Normous might be the worst team in the history of fantasy football - has there ever been a team that averages 76 points through 3 weeks? Will Dixie Normous ever break triple digits? Is there a trade lined-up in the future? On the flip side, Hunt had a big week as the Browns stayed with the hot hand in the backfield. The even bigger surprise is that Mahomes still ended with 22 fantasy points in a game that he clearly did not have his best stuff - that is one of the craziest concepts I have seen. I would have never guessed that Mahomes finished with that many points without looking.

Prediction: Aaron Rodgers Blows Llamas.... RIGHT!!

Mystery Guest: Aaron Rodgers Blows Llamas.... RIGHT!!

DK Country* (1-2) v Church Vans (2-1)

Church Vans had a good run, but who would have guessed the run ended because Hopkins and Jones ended up on the lower end of the starting lineup. Somehow Detroit is able to support both the starting running backs and Jamaal Williams is quietly having a very solid season. In a week that Hopkins and Jones combine for 12.8 points, Church Vans still scores 124 - pretty decent showing. On the flip side, DK Country was clearly the best 0-2 before this week and they finally got the first tally mark in the win column. Not only that, DK even edges out everyone else and takes home his first week with the belt. It helps with both your defense and kicker score 15+ points.

Prediction: DK Country.... RIGHT!!

Mystery Guest: DK Country.... RIGHT!!

PEN15 Wrinkle (2-1) v Teardrop TD's (0-3)

Don't look now, but Barkley finally had a decent week. On top of that, Mike Williams (not the rapper) decided to keep his solid season going and have himself a day against the Chiefs. There were multiple solid performances throughout the starting lineup for PEN15 - something that can't be said for Teardrop. Teardrop has a solid lineup - but has yet to grab that coveted first win. There are pieces that they could build around or trade to upgrade other areas that are lacking. If this lineup stays together - a win will come, but will this lineup be able to compete in the playoffs and make a deep run? Doubtful.

Prediction: Teardrop TD's.... WRONG!!

Mystery Guest: Teardrop TD's..... WRONG!!

Ankle Holster (0-3) v Hernandez Hitmen (2-1)

There is a discussion that is beginning to take place in the shadows - what is the worst team in the league.... Ankle Holster or Dixie Normous? Ankle Holster lost this week (again), but at least they broke 100 points. The stack of Rodgers/Adams is arguably one of the best QB/WR duo, but other than that there is not a lot to go off of in the lineup. It is hard to compete in this league when you struggle in the running back area. On the flip side, HHM has a solid lineup and once again narrowly missed the belt this week - making two out of three weeks that he has finished 2nd in scoring. Herbert is building off of his fantastic rookie season and Elliott had a huge night against a weak Pihlly run defense. This is a team that can definitely make some noise when it comes to the playoffs.

Prediction: Hernandez Hit Men.... RIGHT!!

Mystery Guest: Ankle Holster... WRONG!!

Season: 11-10

Mystery Guest: 9-12

With Love,

Commish

Week 3 Predictions

Let me be real honest - my mind is on other things. Like.... HOW I AM GOING TO THE MUTHAF*CKIN RYDER CUP!! Some of you may know about golf and other probably think that it is a waste of land space. However, the Ryder Cup is unlike any other golf experience - the closest is the hooliganism on Hole 16 at the Waste Management Open. 

At the Ryder Cup, fans yell and cheer just like any other sporting event. The Ryder Cup is no place for golf claps and proper attire. The Ryder Cup is like a scene straight out of Happy Gilmore. It is a place full of heckling and yelling and USA chants. If you don't believe me, here are is a matchup from the 2016 Ryder Cup....

Essentially, the Ryder Cup is the best players in the world (obviously, only from USA and Europe - but is there anyone good from anywhere else???) and they battle it out in front of thousands of drunk fans.... are we sure this is football?

Matchup of the Week

Fresh Start* (2-0) v Hoosier Daddy? (1-1)

Welcome to the big-time gentleman! Fresh Start is coming off a huge belt win from last week in the battle of the former champions. Many would have thought that Fresh Start would have started off the season slow - waiting for a few players to come back from injury - instead they are 2-0 and looking to keep the train rolling. However, they now face a team with an Allen/Diggs stack and Ekeler facing the KC Chiefs. The Chiefs have struggled to stop any rushing attack and Ekeler is in for a big week. Hockenson is the number one receiver in Detroit and the Browns get to play the Bears offense... I am not sure which is better at scoring points in Chicago, the defense or the offense? There are too many favorable matchups for Hoosier Daddy and I like the upset in this MotW.

Prediction: Hoosier Daddy? 

Mystery Guest: Hoosier Daddy?

The Fortune Cockies (1-1) v Country Roads (2-0)

The Fortune Cockies are one Derrick Henry away from being 0-2 to start the season; instead TFC is 1-1 and looking to build from here. There are plenty of great matchups across the board for TFC; Pittman against Tennessee, Waller against Miami, Henry against Indianapolis, Golladay against Atlanta. On the flip side, Country Roads has a few tough matchups; Kamara against New England, McLaurin against Buffalo, and Jefferson against Seattle. Too many tough defenses for Country Roads and too many comfy matchups for The Fortune Cockies.

Prediction: The Fortune Cockies

Mystery Guest: Country Roads

Bluffton Backup Backups (2-0) v The J-Bones (1-1)

This is a battle between 2 teams that are in the top five when it comes to scoring points. Both the rosters have enough depth to consistently score in the upper half of the league. At this point - you could essentially flip a coin.... which I did..... aaaaannnnnnnndddddddddd....... 

Prediction: Bluffton Backup Backups

Mystery Guest: Bluffton Backup Backups

Aaron Rodgers Blows Llamas (1-1) v Dixie Normous (0-2)

Unless something drastic happens for Dixie - this team is looking at starting 0-3 and not getting a win any time soon. Now, lest we forget this is not unfamiliar territory. This is the same team that earned the nickname "The Cooler" because of his ability to beat teams while finishing in the bottom three scores for the week. Not to mention the fact that Mahomes and Hill create one of the deadliest stacks in fantasy football. Ain't no way I am picking against Mahomes after his first loss and first interception - Patty is gonna come out firing!

Prediction: Aaron Rodgers Blows Llamas

Mystery Guest: Aaron Rodgers Blows Llamas

DK Country (0-2) v Church Vans (2-0)

Hey, Church Vans guess what? I AIN'T PICKING YOU AGAIN THIS WEEK. DK is a very, very good 0-2 team. They have had nearly 300 points scored against them, they have also scored 250 points throughout the first two weeks. If there was a 2nd RB for this team - this team would be nearly untouchable. However, because there is not a solid 2nd option - that does leave a little opening for Church Vans to creep in and steal away a win this week. I am taking the upset this week.... I am taking Murray to continue the one man show.... I am taking Metcalf to finally have the Lockett type week... I am taking Moore to start things off with a big night on TNF.

Prediction: DK Country

Mystery Guest: DK Country

PEN15 Wrinkle (1-1) v Teardrop TD's (0-2)

Teardrop TD's is a team that has a couple big name players that may need to be moved for more depth. Jackson is a big-time QB, but the man needs some help. Chubb has been having a good season and hopefully should continue - because this week I am jumping all over those TD's. I think that Jackson and Chubb continue the big week and this is the week that Lamb finds himself with over 100 yards and finally gets that receiving touchdown. I am picking the upset this week - I don't like the Evans and Jones agains the Rams defense. I haven't liked Barkley all season long. Kittle is a great football player - but he is not necessarily what I would look for in a fantasy player. Bring those TD's to my house and let daddy get some milk!

Prediction: Teardrop TD's

Mystery Guest: Teardrop TD's

Ankle Holster (0-2) v Hernandez Hit Men (1-1)

I will forever stop picking Ankle Holster - is there a team worse? Yes, that would be Dixie Normous - but Ankle is not that far behind. It doesn't help that Green Bay plays San Francisco - which is a formidable defense. On the flip side, there is just so much opportunity for big time plays. HHM was an Aaron Jones away from winning the belt. Look for this trend to continue and HHM to compete for the belt again this week.

Prediction: Hernandez Hit Men

Mystery Guest: Ankle Holster

As always, I wish everyone good luck - except for Country Roads, may your entire roster burn in a fiery helicopter crash eerily similar to the one that took down Kobe!

With Love,

Commish

Week 2 Results

 Maaaannnnnnn, I don't know if I just missed football that much or if these NFL games are just that good to watch. There were some big-time performances this week, including:

1. Derrick Henry: 47.7 points - Henry did this while missing 2 offensive lineman. Talk about a 2nd half explosion... Tennessee didn't even have a touchdown in the game until the 2nd half. It was as if, they had TFC's phone vibrate from a text - a gif from DK Country of Brock Lesnar kissing a WWE belt. Don't poke the bear........ and this case Derrick Henry was the bear.

***Aaron Jones: 41.5 points - If you follow @FFDojoSensei, every MNF he tweets out a bet he has placed. This week? Aaron Jones 2+ touchdowns. What an idiot - he shorted himself 2 more touchdowns and could have made a lot more money. Jones was definitely the focal point with the Lion determined to shut down any downfield passing. Huge end of the week for Jones... not to mention he and Kupp happened to be on the same team!

2. Cooper Kupp: 36.8 points - Who said that Run CMC was the only athletic white guy in the NFL? Kupp is averaging 30 points a week and is loving his new quarterback. Things change when you have a quarterback that knows how to actually throw a football rather trying to act in movies like "La La Land" and "The Notebook."

 

3. Kyler Murray: 33.1 Points - Murray has opened this season on an absolute tear. Murray has 7 passing touchdowns, 2 rushing touchdowns, and over 700 yards of total offense. Is Murray a one-man show? Is Murray the next coming of Christ? Is Kyler Murray untouchable in the trade market?

4. Lamar Jackson: 32.2 Points - There is only one quarterback that can say they have ever beaten Patrick Mahomes in the month of September.... ONLY ONE. Lamar Jackson put on a show last night - jump passes, scrambling, he may have even played defense. All I know, Jackson may finish as a top 5 rusher in the league this year..... and not just for quarterbacks. 

5. Tom Brady: 3.6 seconds........ just the amount of time it takes for Brady to suck the youth from his own son. I won't post the original video (we have seen it enough), but Brady has to being something funky to stay this good for this long. Brady has 8 touchdowns in the first two weeks of the season - absolutely crazy.

Matchup of the Week

Church Vans (2-0) v The J-Bones (1-1)

Some teams just step up when the lights are the brightest.... some teams need that bulletin board material. Church Vans has taken offense to not being picked week after week, and it is working for them. However, eventually Brady will suck the last bit of youth out of his son and there will be nothing left for him to use. Until that happens, he will continue to absolutely dominate. The J-Bones had a decent week, nothing to be upset about.... at least they didn't score over 137 points and still lose!

Prediction: The J-Bones... WRONG!!

Mystery Guest: The J-Bones... WRONG!!

The Fortune Cockies (1-1) v DK Country (1-1)

Thank-you Derrick Henry. This is how it went down in real time....

5:31 p.m. - TFC's phone gets a text from DK Country with the following gif and "Just need HHM to slow down a bit"

7:32 p.m. - TFC's phone gets a text from DK Country "I should learn from other's mistakes and keep my mouth shut....."

NEVER JINX YOURSELF!!

Prediction: The Fortune Cockies.... RIGHT!!

Mystery Guest: DK Country..... WRONG!!

Fresh Start* (2-0) v Dixie Normous (0-2)

In a battle of the former champions - Fresh Start display their dominance. Either that or somebody needs to take the old stallion out back and put him out his misery. I know that Dixie is not a fan of trading, but something has to give - you can't score 82 points each week and expect to win in this league. Kupp had a huge week this week, once again putting it down for the white guys. But who saw this coming from "2-Glove" Teddy? Bridgewater is quietly putting together a decent fantasy season; averaging 20 points a week and currently sitting as the 10th best QB.

*To be fair, this was written before MNF in order to try and save time. Buuuuttttt, HOLY SH*T - AARON JONES FOR PRESIDENT!!!

Prediction: Fresh Start... RIGHT!!

Mystery Guest: Dixie Normous.... WRONG!!

Teardrop TD's (0-2) v Bluffton Backup Backups (2-0)

Poor Lamar Jackson. I am sure he is more concerned about his fantasy team's performance than his actual team's performance. This man went off - rushing and throwing the ball. The only problem, there is no help on the fantasy team. Teardrop is one of those teams that may be looking to flip one of their stars into a little more depth. On the flip side, BBB didn't have the best week - but they got the job done. They even had the job done before Swift played on MNF.

Prediction: Teardrop TD's.... WRONG!!

Mystery Guest: Bluffton Backup Backups.... RIGHT!!

Country Roads (2-0) v Aaron Rodgers Blows Llamas* (1-1)

Scary Terry got the party started on TNF - I felt like every time I looked up I saw McLaurin catching a football. On top of that, Hurts is looking like a poor man's Lamar Jackson - all things considered, that is a not a bad place to be. On the flip side, ARBL is going from the top to the bottom. It ended up being bad luck and little opportunity. No matter how bad things got this week, there is no taking away the week 1 explosion.

Prediction: Aaron Rodgers Blows Llamas.... WRONG!!

Mystery Guest: Aaron Rodgers Blows Llamas.... WRONG!!

Hernandez Hit Men (1-1) v Hoosier Daddy (1-1)

Not only did Hoosier Daddy have an off-week in terms of scoring - they happen to rub some salt in the wound and play against this week's 2nd top scorer. One would have thought that Allen and Diggs would have had bigger weeks if you were told that Buffalo won 35-0. But noooooo, instead HHM had a consistency across the board and amassing over 500 yards and 5 touchdowns among the positional players. That ain't bad - Hoosier Daddy will continue to tradition of finding its way against the some of the week's top scorers.

Prediction: Hoosier Daddy... WRONG!!

Mystery Guest: Hernandez Hit Men... RIGHT!!

Ankle Holster (0-2) v PEN15 Wrinkle (1-1)

Remember - reality is never as good as expectations? Talk about a real let down for Ankle Holster. Nobody really stepped up in a big way until MNF - by then it was already over. On the flip side, PEN15 is relying on the wide receivers and quarterback to carry his running backs. Neither of his running backs are averaging more than 7 points - flat out, that won't get it done in a big time matchup. Honestly, you may as well have the sailored mouth vixen close her eyes and pick the lineup - for Ankle Holster she might actually do better!

Prediction: Ankle Holster.... WRONG!!

Mystery Guest: Ankle Holster.... WRONG!!

Season: 5-9

Mystery Guest: 5-9

With Love,

Commish

 

Week 2 Predictions

There are times when I sit down to write something and I have to think myself - what do I want to put in the first few paragraphs. I understand that a majority of people won't even read the beginning of the blog and it is almost just therapy for my mind to just vomit out thoughts and ideas. Something like....

1. If all birds battled all humans in a paint ball war - who would win? 

Let's estimate there are roughly 200 billion birds in the world. That is a lot of paint being dropped from above. You would think that humans would win based on brain power - but do we even have enough paint in the world to take down the birds? I imagine that scene in "300" when the Persian general says that their arrows will block out the sun and the Spartan smiles and says, then we will fight in the shade. Only this time around it is a gigantic pigeon talking about shitting everywhere and Ted Nugent nonchalantly acknowledges it and let's that avianic predator know that he is still very confident.....

2. If everyone in this league ate as many Peanut M&M's - would eat the most before quitting?

M&M's are one those things that get drastically misconstrued in terms of quantity. People see a bowl full of chocolate heaven and think, "I could probably eat hundreds of M&M's." Not so fast, they actually fill you up far faster than what you might think. Personally, I would love to see a battle between a few competitors just trying to eat as many as possible. Not to mention - all the colors that are getting mixed around.... you know that aftermath is going to be a beautiful Picasso. 

**Editor's Note: The following paragraph was written in a satirical tone. Please note, that I strongly believe in winners and losers. I strongly believe that some of you are losers. I may even hang some sort of banner up that lists everyone of you and ranks you in order of the biggest loser.**

***Editor's Note: The previous "Editor's Note" was also written in a satirical tone. Although, I firmly do believe in winners and losers - you all are not losers. I do not hang out with losers.***

In year's past I typically highlight a team and call them the "Team of the Week." I then proceed to either praise them for their selections or rip them apart for the absolutely idiotic decisions they have made along the way. This year I am going to refrain from highlighting a "Team of the Week," for I am fearful of how all the other teams will feel if I only praise one team and not everyone. What would happen to me if your mothers all saw that I was only praising one team - what would happen to our society? I just can't carry around that burden for the rest of my life, thinking about how I made teams that are not as good not feel as valuable as teams that are better. In fact, I am even surprised that we are giving out points - do you know how I felt when I lost? How unfair. I might just petition the commissioner of the league a request that at the end of every week we declare a tie. 

So yes, there will be no Team of the Week this year. Just know, that if I could - I would nominate my own team every single week and I would even have a few rosterbatin' sessions as I looked over the lineup.

Matchup of the Week

Church Vans (1-0) v The J-Bones (1-0)

Ladies and Gentleman, we have a battle of two of the top five teams. Lezbehonest, it is only week 2 - but hey, this is a battle of two undefeated teams. There is only one other battle of two undefeated and that features a team that would have lost to two teams that lost their respective matchups. This matchup is going to come down to the "2nd tier" players. Vans is looking for Waddle and Williams to continue where they left off in week one, while The J-Bones will be hoping that Tonyan can play up to the potential of being a tight end with Rodgers as his quarterback. I do think that there are just too many question marks on the Church Vans side to be confident that they will be score like week one.

Prediction: The J-Bones

Mystery Guest: The J-Bones

The Fortune Cockies (0-1) v DK Country (0-1)

You know what a degenerate gambler does? He doubles down on his bet. Obviously, TFC is going to bank on a bounce back game from both running backs in week two. Henry and Robinson both underperformed and will look to try and find a way to score touchdowns. On the flip side, DK will be hoping that Murray can put on another show and account for hundreds of touchdowns. This is a bigger matchup than what it looks on paper - one team was "told" they were the worst team in the DDA and one team arguably the best team in the DDA. It would be really embarrassing to be the first team that loses to the supposed worst team in the league. Let's hope TFC can live up to the hype that was preached post-draft....

Prediction: The Fortune Cockies

Mystery Guest: DK Country

Fresh Start (1-0) v Dixie Normous (0-1)

This would have been a much higher billed matchup if it wasn't for the week one loss by Dixie. The past three seasons have been one by one of these two teams. Is this the Lakers/Celtics of yore? Do these old hags have a few more rounds in them to try and hoist the Mr. Jeremy? Fresh Start has a strong contingent of white players that score points. Kupp and Thielen make up the most athletic white WR department - the only white WR department. Will they secure the win or will Bob Woods and Coolio Robbio steal away the glory? If I were a betting man.... which I am.... I would go with Fresh Start and bank on the matchups that give the WRs a slightly better opportunity for touchdowns.

Prediction: Fresh Start

Mystery Guest: Dixie Normous

Teardrop TD's (0-1) v Bluffton Backup Backups (1-0)

Let me just put it this way..... if when Teardrop beats Backup Backups it could spell trouble for their inbox folder. Jackson is absolutely going to be better this week - and he didn't even play that poorly. On top of that, the Teardrops roster is littered with playmakers for their respective team. On the flip side, there is a reason that BBB scored points in bunches in week one. Prescott looks to be a top five quarterback with the weapons he has surrounding him. The only question mark I see is whether or not Swift and Williams will share the Detroit backfield and whether or not a healthy Ertz is going to take value away from Goedert. This matchup should be close, but I am pulling for the upset and Teardrop TD's to have to watch his cyber back for the next week or so.

Prediction: Teardrop TD's

Mystery Guest: Bluffton Backup Backups

Country Roads (1-0) v Aaron Rodgers Blows Llamas (1-0)

Here is option number "B" for MotW. Two undefeated teams, one being the belt winner. Will that trend continue? Scientifically, it is actually impossible for both of these teams to remain undefeated - so no, the trend will not continue. However, this should still be a good matchup. I would not like to be McLaurin right now, not know how the ball will get to him. Losing Fitzpatrick was a huge loss for Scary Terry's value - but Jefferson and Kamara will almost certainly pick up the slack. On the flip side, Mahomes and Hill face off against a Baltimore team that just gave up nearly 500 yards to Derek Carr. Sounds like an inviting matchup? You have to think that there will be some game planning to try and figure out a way to keep the ball out of Mahomes' hands........ Nah.... Mahomes going to throw for 400+ yards and Hill is going to have 100+ receiving yards. Look for ARBL to make another run at the belt this week....

Prediction: Aaron Rodgers Blows Llamas

Mystery Guest: Aaron Rodgers Blows Llamas

Hernandez Hit Men (0-1) v Hoosier Daddy (1-0)

You know what is a scary team to face? A team that thought they were Super Bowl contenders and then lost in week one. You know what is a scarier team to face? A fantasy team with an Allen/Diggs stack, coming off a week one loss, facing the Miami Dolphins. On top of that, Hoosier also has a Browns defense that should provide much more resistance against a Houston offense that has no business scoring touchdowns. If the Allen/Diggs stack score like they should score - this could get ugly in a hurry. HHM should not expect another outburst from Samuel and Lockett - but that may be what it takes in order to be successful this week. Don't bet on it.... or do.... the choice is yours.

Prediction: Hoosier Daddy

Mystery Guest: Hernandez Hit Men

Ankle Holster (0-1) v PEN15 Wrinkle (0-1)

At some point, this matchup will be much cooler than it always turns out the be....

Expectation: Two knights battling it out in the same room with a damsel in distress in the background just waiting to give herself up to the victor.

Reality: A couple bros staring at their computer screens, pissed off that their teams are awful. The whole time some Sin City vixen is in the back - rambling on with her sailor's mouth about all the shit she has to do make sure everything is taken care of.

Reality is never as cool as expectations.

Prediction: Ankle Holster

Mystery Guest: Ankle Holster

Good lucks to everyone except for DK Country, may your entire roster burn in a fiery helicopter crash eerily similar to the one that took down Kobe!

With Love,

Commish

Week 1 Results

Did you know that the year Lebron James won his first NBA Championship, he actually lost the first game of the season? Oh you didn't?


Well, that is because that didn't happen. The Miami Heat actually won five games in a row. Yeah, not looking good for the soooooo called, "King to Reign." However, let's not be too hasty... just look at some of these stats....


1. Darius Slayton had six catches for 102 yards on nine targets and two touchdowns, totaling 28.2 points and good enough for WR5 on the week. He was WR63 on a points-per-game basis for the season.

2. Sammy Watkins caught seven balls for 82 yards on nine targets, scoring once, to tally 21.5 points. He was WR10 for the week by WR64 on a points-per-game basis for the season.

3. James Robinson got 16 carries and went for 62 yards, with just one reception for 28 yards, to give him 10 points as he finished RB30 for the week. He caught 48 balls the rest of the way with 10 total touchdowns en route to a RB7 finish for the season.

4. Mitchell Trubisky's 24.3 total fantasy points were good enoguh for QB7 for the week. He lost the starting job to Nick Foles by Week 4, and though Trubisky did play 10 games, he was QB26 for the year on a points-per-game bases.

5. Justin Jefferson caught two balls for 26 yards on three targets: 4.6 points, WR78 for the week. And, of course, he was WR6 the season.


Thank-you Matthew Berry for reminding me that week 1 is not necessarily the exact barometer for the rest of the season. It is important to start off fast - but it does not mean the end of the world if you don't win. In fact, in this exact league the eventual champion has never finished the regular season with better than an 8-5 record in the past 5 years. Not once has the regular season winner gone on the win the playoffs. NOT. EVEN. ONE. TIME.

Week 1 Results

Matchup of the Week

The J-Bones (1-0) v The Fortune Cockies

Things did not go as planned for TFC - especially considering they got 19.1 points COMBINED from Robinson and Henry. Let's remember that is the RB7 and RB3 from last season... just not gonna cut it for a squad that will be leaning heavily on them. On the flip side, everything seemed to be going right for The J-Bones. CMC did his usual thing, but the bigger surprise was the tremendous start on TNF with Antonio Brown looking like an absolute stud. The Buccs offense has plenty of weapons to spread the ball, but it looked like the AB from five years ago as he was dusting defenders and making it look easy. Look out league.... The J-Bones are looking strong!

Prediction: The Fortune Cockies..... WRONG!!
Mystery Guest: The Fortune Cockies..... WRONG!!

Teardrop TD's (0-1) v Church Vans (1-0)

It looks like Church Vans did a little research... or got a little lucky.... on Jamaal Williams. Williams joined by Brady, Kelce, and Hopkins all scored over 25 points this week. If this performance becomes some form of normalcy - this is a scary good team. The Teardrops don't have much to be disappointed about other than Aiyuk - but he is dealing with early season hamstring issues. It is just a tough matchup when the opening opponents decides to blow their load like a freshman in the middle a prom grind session. Next week we will see if Church Vans is that freshman or if they are the seasoned senior who's body count is larger than Stalin's (slightly different body counts) as they will face-off against The J-Bones in what will almost assuredly be the MotW.

Prediction: Teardrop TD's..... WRONG!!
Mystery Guest: Teardrop TD's..... WRONG!!

Dixie Normous (0-1) v Country Roads (1-0)

It was pretty steady across the board for Dixie - no specific player doing well, no specific player doing extremely poorly. In fact, this pretty much showcases the state of Fantasy Football - you need to have studs have stud weeks in order to compete anymore. Country Roads had a respectable outing... scoring extremely close to their prediction. Hurts looked extremely good, but we don't know if that is Hurts being good or Atlanta is just that bad on defense (per usual). Outside of the defense, Country Roads had a solid all around week in terms of scoring and had Hurts nearly crack 30 - this seems like something could be an average week, which many teams would be very happy with.

Prediction: Dixie Normous.... WRONG!!
Mystery Guest: Country Roads.... RIGHT!!

Fresh Start (1-0) v Hernandez Hit Men (0-1)

Can we please raise a glass for the athletic white guy in the NFL? I am not going to dive into CRT or BLM or NP..... (ni**a please) - but it is not very often you see a fantasy team made up mostly of athletic white guys - who score very well. The only person really missing from this team is Run CMC - but good luck getting him away from The J-Bones. Kupp and Thielen had huuuuuge weeks - combining for 54.1 points. On the flip side, scoring 126.08 points and losing is pretty brutal. At least HHM can take solace in the fact that they would have lost against six total teams this week. Talk about a high scoring week!

Prediction: Hernandez Hit Men... WRONG!!
Mystery Guest: Hernandes Hit Men... WRONG!!

Bluffton Backup Backups (1-0) v Ankle Holster (0-1)

You know that one guy who is super smart, but doesn't seem to know much about sports. You know, that guys that actually enjoys doing Sudokus while taking a shit. You know, that guy can't wait to manually do his taxes. You know, that guy who could potentially ruin anyone's life through the internet. Yeah, that guy just figured out fantasy football. Good luck to everyone else in the league - the smartest man in the room has no solved fantasy football. Everyone let out a nice and sarcastic "Yay BBB!"

Prediction: Bluffton Backup Backups... RIGHT!!
Mystery Guest: Ankle Holster.... WRONG!!

Aaron Rodgers Blows Llamas (1-0) v DK Country (0-1)

Do we have a belt sighting? Why yes, my good man - we have crowned a champion. Not only did ARBL absolutely dominate this week - but they had the belt locked up before their defense even played on MNF. Mahomes and Hill looked a little shaky at first - but was there any doubt? Not to mention, Hunt and Landry also had big games... to think - 106.88 points came from one game. On the flip side, DK has to be loving the fact that his running backs scored a combined 6.7 points. The sad part is.... that was almost his optimal RB starters - which ended up being 9.4 points. Looks like an upgrade might be happening sooner rather than later.

Prediction: Aaron Rodgers Blows Llamas.... RIGHT!!
Mystery Guest: Aaron Rodgers Blows Llamas.... RIGHT!!

Hoosier Daddy? (1-0) v PEN15 Wrinkle (0-1)

Hoosier Daddy says he wants to switch things up and take multiple quarterbacks. Hoosier Daddy starts his lowest scoring quarterback. Hoosier Daddy says he wanted to get some good mojo on his team. Hoosier Daddy knows something we don't know, because it worked. It helps to have the highest scoring player of the week - Amari Cooper. It also helps that he was playing a team that had 3 players score double digits points. And to think that PEN15 would have still beaten 3 other teams - I would hate to be those guys!


Prediction: Hoosier Daddy?..... RIGHT!!
Mystery Guest: Hoosier Daddy?.... RIGHT!!


Season: 3-4
Mystery Guest: 3-4


With Love,
Commish

New Year = New Blog

The time has come for all of us to completely forget the outside world. Forget about jobs. Forget about hobbies. Forget about families. It is time to focus solely on the one thing that matters from now until December.... FANTASY FOOTBALL!!! Some of you may think, "I got a lot of other sh*t going one during that time. I can't just focus on this league."

THEN. GET. THE. F*CK. OUT.

This is your main chick - all other leagues, jobs, etc. they are your side chicks. If your main chick ain't happy, nothing in life is going right. You better keep your line-ups up to date. You better check the bye weeks. You better do some research. I can promise you one thing.... this is the year the trophy finally comes home. 

I liken my situation to Lebron James....

I have clearly been the best owner in the league since the inception. In fact let me break it down for you....

Exhibit A:

Above you will notice this is a spreadsheet that includes all of the owners in the past 5 years (ESPN only has stats back until then). I rank, along with a few other owners, at the top in playoff appearances. However - fear not, this is not the only piece of evidence.

Exhibit B:

This is a chart of the number of wins from each owner for each year. You will also notice my name is at the top. In fact, I have won the regular season in 2 out of the past 5 seasons and I am the only owner to have double digit wins in more than one season. And the last piece of resistance....

Exhibit C:

Above is the owners and the total number of points scored. You will also notice my name at the top. In fact, there is only 1 season where I did not finish in the top 2 teams of scoring in the past 5 years.
Some of you are probably saying to yourself, "Who gives a shit?" You all better give a shit, that is why you are in the f*cking league!! 

Yes, there is one chart that is missing - the previous champions. For all my wins and all my points, I have yet to win the league. Well guess what, it took Lebron 9 years to win a championship. Guess what year this is for the league? You bet your nutsack it is year 9 - TIME FOR THE KING TO REIGN!!!

Anyways, now that I have annoyed you - here is what you really came for... the DDA and the matchup predictions.

THE DDA

1. Fresh Start - Solid roster from the defending champ
2. The Fortune Cockies - Destined for greatness
3. The J-Bones - Hoping CMC can stay healthy for the squad
4. Country Roads, Take Mahomes - Ironically, there were four guys truly debating - guess who the top 4 are?
5. Backup Backups - A good duo at RB and a solid QB helps this squad
6. Hernandez Hitmen - Need a big year out of Herbert to stay relevant
7. Something Titties - In all honesty, this team could easily finish in the top trio when the season finishes
8. Ankle Holster - The 5th guy who stayed for the DDA, should say something about his team if he dropped this low
9. ARBL - Homer pick of Montgomery dropped him, but then Mahomes brings him right back into the conversation
10. Hoosier Daddy - Track record speaks for itself, but why 3 QB's?
11. Penis Wrinkle - The 49ers will suck, but they will suck less than this squad 
12. Church Vans - Not sure, waiting until the 4th round to take your first RB was the play 
13. Dixie Normous - Lezbehonest, it doesn't matter who is on your team.... somehow your shitty squad will find a way to win
14. DK Country - Not only does your team suck - you done gone messed up the sticker board!

Draft Tidbits

1. We had our first ever pause of the draft. We have had people completely not show-up and just leave the league. NO PAUSE. We have had people log-off and log-on hundreds of times during the draft. NO PAUSE. We had to pop our "pause cherry" on our tech guy being late to the draft. What a lame excuse to use our first pause. It is the equivalent of two young lovers entering adulthood for the first time - who just happened to be in the back of car at a drive-in movie theatre. Essentially, the most basic of stories - the equivalent of a white girl and Starbucks or black boys and grape juice.

2. Ribich took three quarterbacks and even contemplated taking four. Are we serious? Arguably one of the smartest/most experienced fantasy players in the league and he almost took a 4th quarterback? Is this world going absolutely bonkers? Yes. This is the straw that broke the camels back. I get it when we elected a corpse to president. I get it when half the country hates the other half. I get when we all decided to walk around looking Bane from Batman. But, Ribich taking 3 quarterbacks in a draft? WE HAVE TO DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE!!!!

3. The trade that never happened. Very few knew, but there was almost a "during the draft trade." It has never been done in our league. Two owners had discussed the possibility of a trade if a certain player had fallen - nothing was finalized, but there was discussions. It would have been the first of its kind - obviously, the player did not drop and the trade fell through. I can only imagine the bursting of heads if the player would have dropped and the trade was made - heart palpitations, strokes (not the bating kind), H-aches, and maybe sudden death would taken place. 

4. This is the first time in league history we have had every owner return for the next season. Will we make it the whole season without losing someone? It would take a miracle. I have hope though, we can achieve greatness. 

5. There is no real 5th thing......... I just think that five points look better than four points. 

Week 1 Matchups

Matchup of the Week

The Fortune Cockies vs The J-Bones

I am sure some will complain that Fortune Cockies is in the first MotW. However, it is more about the opponent - The J-Bones. J-Bones had the number pick and how can we not feature the consensus top fantasy player in week 1? The big questions is whether or not Run CMC is going to get some help this week from his fantasy roster. TFC has a strong squad featuring the rushing king (Henry) and two top-end TEs. It going to take the full week for TFC to pull this out, both his TE's play on MNF and it is going to take a big night if TFC wants to finish on top in this matchup - look for both TE's to snag multiple receptions and each record a touchdown.

Prediction: The Fortune Cockies

Mystery Guest: The Fortune Cockies

Teardrop TD's vs Church Vans

This is a tough matchup between two teams with stud QB's (Jackson vs Brady). Church Vans took "PPR" to heart and went after some top level pass-catchers by snagging Kelce, Hopkins, and Julio in the first three rounds. Vans is going to consistently need big weeks out of those three players in order to stay competitive in the league. The drop-off in running backs is drastic and Edmonds and Williams are not going to cut it - especially against Chubb and CEH. Teardrops just need average weeks across the board in order to seal the deal in this matchup.

Prediction: Teardrop TD's

Mystery Guest: Teardrop TD's

Dixie Normous vs Country Roads

Don't let the lineup fool you, Dixie Normous has won this league twice.... back-to-back for that matter. He has a strong tandem at RB and quarterback that has plenty of weapons on offense. Unfortunately, drafting Dobbins would have looked much better had it not been after he was pronounced dead. It does help that there are solid options to throw in the flex to replace that gaping hole in the lineup. As much as I love the Country Roads' lineup with Kamara, Jefferson, and McLaurin - I got to think the two-time champion knows what he is doing and is looking to make a statement in week 1.

Prediction: Dixie Normous

Mystery Guest: Country Roads, Take Mahomes

Fresh Start vs Hernandez Hit Men

This was the second option for the MotW.... defending champion looking to start his campaign on the right foot. There is a definite target on his back: defending champion, DDA ranking: 1, Big Ben's swan song season. Are the stars aligning for a deep run throughout the season? HHM would like to keep a question mark at the end of that statement - and ride the wingspan of rookie TE Pitts. With a very steady starting lineup there is plenty of opportunity to score points. The consistency gives the edge to HHM as they look to knock the crown off the king in week one.

Prediction: Hernandez Hit Men

Mystery Guest: Hernandez Hit Men

Bluffton Backup Backups vs Ankle Holster

Triple B had better have a banger of a squad if we are going to pop our "pause cherry" for him to get to the draft on time. The man did not disappoint - not only did he save the league by filling in for he who shall not be named, but he also has drafted a very good team. This team will rely on Prescott return to the form he was in last season before his gruesome injury, if that is the case - this team could make a deep run. On the flip side, Holsters will be relying on homer picks Rodgers and Adams to team-up and light the world on fire. If they have a bad week, this team has almost no chance of competing week-in and week-out. Look for the p-card stealing, tech guru to take week one with a good showing from the starting quarterback.

Prediction: Bluffton Backup Backups

Mystery Guest: Ankle Holster

Aaron Rodgers Blows Llams vs DK Country

If you want to talk about a close matchup to start the season off - these two rosters are almost identical. Each roster has a top-tier QB (Mahomes/Murray), a top-tier WR (Hill/Metcalf), a fringe upper level RB (Montgomery/Harris), and both kickers are projected for the same amount of points. It is wild to say this, but it could come down to the defensive matchups in this one. Both defenses have friendly matchups with offenses that struggle last season - pretty much a coin flip there as well. It might just come down to the weak spot for each roster - Higbee for ARBL and Moss for DK. Personally, I like Higbee's chances of more volume and opportunity over Moss.... the edge goes to ARBL.

Prediction: Aaron Rodgers Blows Llamas

Mystery Guest: Aaron Rodgers Blows Llamas

Hoosier Daddy? vs PEN15 Wrinkle

Oddly enough, a team that drafted 3 quarterbacks (and entertained the idea of taking a fourth) has a decent starting line to fill the roster. Their weak spot happens to be a cancer-beating, former starting, man with two first names, running back. Sooooooo, is that really a weak spot? On the flip side, is Barkley is able to play and return to level he once was at - Wrinkle could be a team on a mission. With only two starting positions being occupied by his homer squad, both his real fandom team and his fantasy team can't be wrecked by injuries at the same time this year. These two teams could be competing for a playoff spot down the road, but for now with the Barkley question mark - the advantage has to go to Daddy.

Prediction: Hoosier Daddy?

Mystery Guest: Hoosier Daddy?

Gentleman, let the most wonderful time of the year begin! And as always.... good luck to all teams except The J-Bones, may your entire roster burn in a fiery helicopter crash eerily similar to the one that took down Kobe!

With Love,
Commish