There are times when I sit down to write something and I have to think myself - what do I want to put in the first few paragraphs. I understand that a majority of people won't even read the beginning of the blog and it is almost just therapy for my mind to just vomit out thoughts and ideas. Something like....
1. If all birds battled all humans in a paint ball war - who would win?
Let's estimate there are roughly 200 billion birds in the world. That is a lot of paint being dropped from above. You would think that humans would win based on brain power - but do we even have enough paint in the world to take down the birds? I imagine that scene in "300" when the Persian general says that their arrows will block out the sun and the Spartan smiles and says, then we will fight in the shade. Only this time around it is a gigantic pigeon talking about shitting everywhere and Ted Nugent nonchalantly acknowledges it and let's that avianic predator know that he is still very confident.....
2. If everyone in this league ate as many Peanut M&M's - would eat the most before quitting?
M&M's are one those things that get drastically misconstrued in terms of quantity. People see a bowl full of chocolate heaven and think, "I could probably eat hundreds of M&M's." Not so fast, they actually fill you up far faster than what you might think. Personally, I would love to see a battle between a few competitors just trying to eat as many as possible. Not to mention - all the colors that are getting mixed around.... you know that aftermath is going to be a beautiful Picasso.
**Editor's Note: The following paragraph was written in a satirical tone. Please note, that I strongly believe in winners and losers. I strongly believe that some of you are losers. I may even hang some sort of banner up that lists everyone of you and ranks you in order of the biggest loser.**
***Editor's Note: The previous "Editor's Note" was also written in a satirical tone. Although, I firmly do believe in winners and losers - you all are not losers. I do not hang out with losers.***
In year's past I typically highlight a team and call them the "Team of the Week." I then proceed to either praise them for their selections or rip them apart for the absolutely idiotic decisions they have made along the way. This year I am going to refrain from highlighting a "Team of the Week," for I am fearful of how all the other teams will feel if I only praise one team and not everyone. What would happen to me if your mothers all saw that I was only praising one team - what would happen to our society? I just can't carry around that burden for the rest of my life, thinking about how I made teams that are not as good not feel as valuable as teams that are better. In fact, I am even surprised that we are giving out points - do you know how I felt when I lost? How unfair. I might just petition the commissioner of the league a request that at the end of every week we declare a tie.
So yes, there will be no Team of the Week this year. Just know, that if I could - I would nominate my own team every single week and I would even have a few rosterbatin' sessions as I looked over the lineup.
Matchup of the Week
Church Vans (1-0) v The J-Bones (1-0)
Ladies and Gentleman, we have a battle of two of the top five teams. Lezbehonest, it is only week 2 - but hey, this is a battle of two undefeated teams. There is only one other battle of two undefeated and that features a team that would have lost to two teams that lost their respective matchups. This matchup is going to come down to the "2nd tier" players. Vans is looking for Waddle and Williams to continue where they left off in week one, while The J-Bones will be hoping that Tonyan can play up to the potential of being a tight end with Rodgers as his quarterback. I do think that there are just too many question marks on the Church Vans side to be confident that they will be score like week one.
Prediction: The J-Bones
Mystery Guest: The J-Bones
The Fortune Cockies (0-1) v DK Country (0-1)
You know what a degenerate gambler does? He doubles down on his bet. Obviously, TFC is going to bank on a bounce back game from both running backs in week two. Henry and Robinson both underperformed and will look to try and find a way to score touchdowns. On the flip side, DK will be hoping that Murray can put on another show and account for hundreds of touchdowns. This is a bigger matchup than what it looks on paper - one team was "told" they were the worst team in the DDA and one team arguably the best team in the DDA. It would be really embarrassing to be the first team that loses to the supposed worst team in the league. Let's hope TFC can live up to the hype that was preached post-draft....
Prediction: The Fortune Cockies
Mystery Guest: DK Country
Fresh Start (1-0) v Dixie Normous (0-1)
This would have been a much higher billed matchup if it wasn't for the week one loss by Dixie. The past three seasons have been one by one of these two teams. Is this the Lakers/Celtics of yore? Do these old hags have a few more rounds in them to try and hoist the Mr. Jeremy? Fresh Start has a strong contingent of white players that score points. Kupp and Thielen make up the most athletic white WR department - the only white WR department. Will they secure the win or will Bob Woods and Coolio Robbio steal away the glory? If I were a betting man.... which I am.... I would go with Fresh Start and bank on the matchups that give the WRs a slightly better opportunity for touchdowns.
Prediction: Fresh Start
Mystery Guest: Dixie Normous
Teardrop TD's (0-1) v Bluffton Backup Backups (1-0)
Let me just put it this way..... if when Teardrop beats Backup Backups it could spell trouble for their inbox folder. Jackson is absolutely going to be better this week - and he didn't even play that poorly. On top of that, the Teardrops roster is littered with playmakers for their respective team. On the flip side, there is a reason that BBB scored points in bunches in week one. Prescott looks to be a top five quarterback with the weapons he has surrounding him. The only question mark I see is whether or not Swift and Williams will share the Detroit backfield and whether or not a healthy Ertz is going to take value away from Goedert. This matchup should be close, but I am pulling for the upset and Teardrop TD's to have to watch his cyber back for the next week or so.
Prediction: Teardrop TD's
Mystery Guest: Bluffton Backup Backups
Country Roads (1-0) v Aaron Rodgers Blows Llamas (1-0)
Here is option number "B" for MotW. Two undefeated teams, one being the belt winner. Will that trend continue? Scientifically, it is actually impossible for both of these teams to remain undefeated - so no, the trend will not continue. However, this should still be a good matchup. I would not like to be McLaurin right now, not know how the ball will get to him. Losing Fitzpatrick was a huge loss for Scary Terry's value - but Jefferson and Kamara will almost certainly pick up the slack. On the flip side, Mahomes and Hill face off against a Baltimore team that just gave up nearly 500 yards to Derek Carr. Sounds like an inviting matchup? You have to think that there will be some game planning to try and figure out a way to keep the ball out of Mahomes' hands........ Nah.... Mahomes going to throw for 400+ yards and Hill is going to have 100+ receiving yards. Look for ARBL to make another run at the belt this week....
Prediction: Aaron Rodgers Blows Llamas
Mystery Guest: Aaron Rodgers Blows Llamas
Hernandez Hit Men (0-1) v Hoosier Daddy (1-0)
You know what is a scary team to face? A team that thought they were Super Bowl contenders and then lost in week one. You know what is a scarier team to face? A fantasy team with an Allen/Diggs stack, coming off a week one loss, facing the Miami Dolphins. On top of that, Hoosier also has a Browns defense that should provide much more resistance against a Houston offense that has no business scoring touchdowns. If the Allen/Diggs stack score like they should score - this could get ugly in a hurry. HHM should not expect another outburst from Samuel and Lockett - but that may be what it takes in order to be successful this week. Don't bet on it.... or do.... the choice is yours.
Prediction: Hoosier Daddy
Mystery Guest: Hernandez Hit Men
Ankle Holster (0-1) v PEN15 Wrinkle (0-1)
At some point, this matchup will be much cooler than it always turns out the be....
Expectation: Two knights battling it out in the same room with a damsel in distress in the background just waiting to give herself up to the victor.
Reality: A couple bros staring at their computer screens, pissed off that their teams are awful. The whole time some Sin City vixen is in the back - rambling on with her sailor's mouth about all the shit she has to do make sure everything is taken care of.
Reality is never as cool as expectations.
Prediction: Ankle Holster
Mystery Guest: Ankle Holster
Good lucks to everyone except for DK Country, may your entire roster burn in a fiery helicopter crash eerily similar to the one that took down Kobe!
With Love,
Commish
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