Week 4

***Editor's Note*** The following was written post to the big trade that was made ***Editor's Note***

Well, well, well... here are the top 5 times in my life when I think, "This can't be happening - oh yes, this is really happening":

1. First Time Making Love - Listen, I don't need to go into details for you youngsters - but just know that 30 seconds is still a really long time.

2. Poop bridge over the Toilet Tunnel - If you have never done such a feat... you need to start increasing your food intake and maybe gets some carbs in that diet to help keep everything strengthened. If you don't know what I am talking about, let's break it down. A Poop Bridge is when you have such a strong turd and it is so massive, that it stretches across the drain and when you flush it survives the waves. A feat only a few men can pull off.

3. Hitting 100 mph on the dash - Every guy has a few things they want to accomplish - hitting triple digits is on the checklist. There is no better feeling that flying down a road and you see that third digit appear. It is the benchmark of manhood - you have made it, you are in.

4. Running from the cops - Yup, if you haven't done it - do it. I am being serious... you should do it. Now, maybe some of us older fellas might need to sit this one out. But I can recall some of the times we would evade the cops. The pranks we pulled (are harmless of course), and how we got away.

5. Pulling a big trade - I love it... I can't help myself either. I will have a team and then inevitably I will decide to make a trade. What do you do? I just love the risk of what could happen. Also, why I might have a gambling problem.

The issue becomes when the aftermath hits... it is great if it pans out.... but also another consequence is....

1. Wind up with a couple kids just stealing all of your time and money

2. Backsplash all-over dem cheeks booooiiii!!

3. Don't play Helen Keller while flying down the high way

4. Yeeeeaaaahhhhh... could just not be fast enough - get pulled out of your bed and yelled at for 2 hours with flashlights in your face

5. What if he stays hurt?

***Editor's Note*** The following was written prior to the big trade that was made ***Editor's Note***

The best part about this time of the year is when we start to see how much GM's really want it. You start to see trade talks taking place in the halls and through text messages. You start to wonder - who is talking to who? Am I missing out on something that is going to make 2 teams better and I am losing ground?

Then you start to panic... you start to feel the pressure to make a move, just because everyone else is. When that happens, you have to handle a lot - because this league is full of tuna that has constructed breathing apparatuses with kelp that are going to hunt down your pride, your family and once they have the taste of lion - they think, "This taste good, they want more."

Now what do you do? How do you handle it? Do you try to make a move? Do you try to sit back and let everyone surpass you with moves? What do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO?!?!

Nonetheless, I feel like fantasy football becomes the man's Big Brother - nobody knows who is working deals with who - but everybody thinks something is happening. Although, to be honest... as I type this out I think that I might be a little over paranoid and maybe I am the only one thinking this way. What I do know is that there is one manager who is working the hardest... Mr. Check My Chubb.

Ironically, he still lost this week - but not for trying.

Check My Chubb has sent out 56 trades or counters in a span of 5 days (excluding the weekend)... 3 of them have been accepted. That would be equivalent of going to the bar, getting absolutely hammered - asking for every girl's (probably a couple dudes) number and walking out with 3 of them. Honestly, it is a hard night's work... but you might call a night like that successful. Until, you wake up sandwiched between a camel and Target Worker named Karl.

Anyways, from what I have seen there have been good trade offers and bad trade offers. I like to try and stay out of offering advice in a public setting... unless truly confronted - I will stand up for myself. But the real fun is what happens in the dark... what happens when you hear things and you get to sleuth your way around to try and see what is real and what is fake news. The walls are speaking.... there is going to be a big splash this week - when it happens, you are one of the 3 people...

A) "Cannonballer" - The person making the splash. The person that is working the trade, spitting the game, dealing the cards. They are the ones who like to throw a wrench in the system and see what the chaos does.

B) "Pool Dweller" - They are in the pool and playing games and splashing around. They are not causing in harm, but they like to be close the action. Maybe they venture out and splash a little - maybe they stick to their lane. They are close enough to the action that they are able to brace themselves for the splash and prepare of the aftermath.

C) "Bathing Beauty" - They are out of the pool, on the deck, completely unaware of what is about to happen. They love where they are at - but they don't know the real degeneracy that is taking place. That is until and tidal wave overtakes their peace. There is nothing they can do - a splash is going to make waves no matter what.

Sometimes, you are forced into a group (by your draft) - sometimes you chose a group. I would say more times than not "Pool Dwellers" win the league, "Cannonballers" are fighting to be a "Pool Dweller," "Bathing Beautys" are teams that used by the "Cannonballer" to make the splash.

Sometimes, you are a fool and just like making splashes.... Hi, my name is Penias - I like making splashes.

Anyways... let's get to the Power Rankings and this week's matchups...

Week 3 Power Rankings

1. Penias and Ferb* (3-0) - Are we surprised? The crown (belt) is heavy and the burden of the being the top dog is hard... but if I must I will hold it down. PPPSSSSYYYCCCCHHHEEEE... I LOVE THIS SH*T! You want my spot? Come and get it... but be careful, I am....

2. Tuten My Horn (3-0) - Up 2 Spots... They remain undefeated, although it was a close one with Check My Chubb. The biggest question for Tuten is whether or not his RB's can hold up the deal for the long-term.

3. Shough Me Jeanty* (2-1) - Down 1 Spot... This is tough, not only a loss - but a pretty bad showing last week. I am going to give them the benefit of the doubt and trust that this week will be a bounce week based upon what we saw in the first 2 weeks.

4. My Team Sucks (2-1) - Up 8 Spots... The biggest movement and the biggest surprise of the first 3 weeks. Honestly, I don't see them staying here - especially with the massive loss of Achane. However, as long as Price continues to suck - newly acquired E. Wilson should suffice.

5. Mounsey Zombies (2-1) - Down 2 Spots... This is a solid team led by a solid tandem - I don't ever see them dropping outside the playoff the line - barring injury - even if they lose this week agains the oddest spiraling team in the history of the league.

6. Ertz/Eifert* (2-1) - No Movement... Still inside the cut-off, no one can take the belt win away... and now you find yourself in the MotW - big week to dictate if you are a pretender or a contender. Essentially, this ranking is based on whether or not you believe in the Detroit Duo (and I do).

7. Cleveland Streamers (1-2) - Down 2 Spots... This is how razor thin the line of comfortable and uncomfortable is.... Streamers lose last week by .12 and they drop 2 spots. Ole' Herbo is finally getting the bench this week - for none other than Marcus Mariota.... what a wild world we live in.

8. Greatest Offense (1-2) - Up 5 Spots... I am not going to lie... I did not see this coming. JSN is the real deal... but that is it - don't get used to this spot... rough matchup this week (especially is Puka comes back).

9. Factory of Sadness (2-1) - Down 1 Spot... What the record doesn't show.... Factory only scored 78 points last week (still got the win), but they have issues at the QB spot and not enough firepower to overcome a bad week. They are in the MotW this week and they need a big win to prove the haters wrong.

10. Nailor? Hardly Know Her (1-2) - Down 1 Spot... It is crazy to think that Nailor? get their first win and they still move down a spot. The issue hasn't changed... there is not enough firepower surrounding JT when he has a bad day. The point totals are dropping each week and they didn't start off outlandishly high either. 

11. Ankle Holster (1-2) - No Movement... If you were curious the best baseball team out of Chicago has a game this upcoming Saturday - I can get tickets if you want to go.

12. The J-Bones (0-3) - Down 5 Spots... At this point it is shocking. I still think that The J-Bones might be the best 0-3 team that this league has ever seen. To make matters worse, they play Mounsey Zombies this week and that means dealing with Lamar and King Henry getting to face Tennessee.

13. A.R's Broken (1-2) - Down 3 Spots.... It honestly just comes down to the fact that Jefferson was forced out of the game and Loveland decided to pull the ball back "1 nipple hair" short of the goal line. The difference between rank 13 and probably somewhere inside the playoff cut-off.

14. Check My Chubb (0-3) - No Movement... It is not for lack of effort and it not for lack of scoring points - they would have beaten half the league and 2 people who scored less still got a win. I like the trajectory this team is headed and I predict that one of the 0-3 teams make a run at trying to make the playoffs.

Week 4 Matchups
Matchup of the Week
Factory of Sadness (2-1) v Ertz/Eifert* (2-1)

This MotW will dictate who belongs in the race for the top and falls back to the middle of the pack and back to fighting for the playoff spot. Essentially, which one of these is a contender and which one is a pretender.

Battle to Watch: Likely v Kittle

Honestly, I never thought that I would be putting Isaiah Likely in a Battle to Watch... but here we are, in the big '26 where women can be dudes, dudes can be bobcats, and Isaiah Likely can be a top 10 TE. He has 2 things to note... he struggled to put up numbers with Famous Jameis at QB... he is also playing the Arizona Cardinals who have been suspect at best against TE's (averaging 5 catches, 62 yards, 1 TD). Oh and by the way... GIVE ME KITTLE by a 10 spot in this battle.

How Factory wins: Find the answer at QB. Last week, was not it - but they played AR's Broken and squeaked out a win with 78 points. This week it looks like Penix is getting the call to go against New Orleans. New Orleans is giving up 230 and 2 touchdowns on average and Penix just had a 72% completion rating - could be a big week for the Factory squad if he can throw up a decent number.

How Ertz/Eifert wins: Goff/ARSB... I know it sounds like a broken record. However, think about this - Gibbs had 3 touchdowns last week and exploded for 40+ points... ARSB still scored over 10 points. That means that his off games still equate to double digits - what about his "ON" games? He averages over 100 yards and 2 touchdowns. Goff is averaging over 20 points... and the Lions are starting to find their identity - score a lot of points.

Prediction: Ertz/Eifert

Mystery Guest: Ertz/Eifert

Penias and Ferb* (3-0) v GOTI (1-2)

How Penias wins: Uhhhhhhh... the better question is - how do they lose? Outside of the flex position, they are currently starting everyone inside the top 15 PRK. This is going to be a dominant run, something this league has never seen - until, and it will inevitable happen, he decides to "Cannonball" into the water. They win this matchup by a million.

How GOTI wins: JSN needs to score 90 points by himself. Seattle will surely try their best - everything runs through JSN - but he will fall just short of the needed mark in order for GOTI to win. Sucks, and I apologize - but life is going to be hard for you when you are 1-3 and on the outside looking in.

Prediction: Penias and Ferb

Mystery Guest: Penias and Ferb

Tuten My Horn (3-0) v Shough me Jeanty* (2-1)

How Tuten wins: Pass Catchers, Pass Catchers, Pass Catchers. Chase/Nico/G-Wilson/Kelce all have the capabilities to go out and have a big day. It is going to take one of those this week. Specifically, if Nico has a big week - it would mean that Stroud would also have a big week. That would be a nice connection for Tuten. Somebody from the pass catchers need to have a big week... not just anybody... you know they need somebody.

How Shough wins: Take advantage of matchups. Tet gets a matchup against the Detroit Lions and they have decided to not stop anyone. This could be a big week for Tet - but that would mean that Coker needs to leave some space for him (I don't think that anyone saw the Coker vibrance coming). Buck Buck needs to have a big week against the Packers... who just gave up 200+ yards to Bijan. If these two take advantage of their matchups... this week is over and we lose another undefeated team.

Prediction: Shough me Jeanty

Mystery Guest: Tuten My Horn

Ankle Holster (1-2) v My Team Sucks (2-1)

How Holster wins: Decide what you want to be... either make some trades and attempt to win in the Fantasy realm or make some trades and acquire as many Packers players as possible. Either way works... just make the decision. If you are going for the Packers, you have pieces to move... it just depends what pieces you want to move. If you are going for the Fantasy realm (recommended, Packers suck) - then you still have pieces to move. Make a move homeboy!

How Sucks wins: Continue the irony of the team name. The past two weeks the team has averaged 123 points and is looking stronger and stronger. Drake London looks like his tirade on the sideline two weeks ago and is now getting more targets - what do you know? Hotlanta gives the ball to Bijan and London and they get a win (or they just have Penix start). Purdy is on track to make a run at the MVP and Zay Flowers is taking advantage of matchups and his speed.

Prediction: My Team Sucks

Mystery Guest: Ankle Holster

Check my Chubb (0-3) v Nailor? Hardly Know Her (1-2)

How Chubb wins: Become a full blown b*ner. Truth be told, this guy is working. I will have people come and show me a trade that he offered him - when I know full well, he also sent me the same deal for someone (and most likely sent the same deal to 3 other managers). I almost get the feeling that this teams likes to dangle what they have and just live the chubb zone. If they really want to get a win (close last week.. would have finished middle of the pack), they need to make a trade and turn that Chubb into a B*ner.

How Nailor? wins: Ride the stallion or flip him into a few colts. Right now, JT is the stallion in the stable. You either have decide to ride or die with him and know that they only way you win is if he has monster weeks. The other option is to take JT and trade for multiple players that are on the cusp of becoming stallions. It is not a fun decision... especially when you may have to trade your best player - which is why some players live out their careers with the team that made them big and others have a tearful goodbye before their trade value is worth nothing.

Prediction: Check my Chubb

Mystery Guest: Check my Chubb

*Could this be the week ole' tight pants gets their first win????

Mounsey Zombies (1-2) v The J-Bones (0-3)

How Zombies wins: Run the d*mn ball. Honestly, I feel like every week I look at Zombies' matchup - they have a good one... how easy is their schedule? It is also crazy that King Henry is only the 4th best RB in fantasy - every time I watch football the guy is scoring touchdowns. He is averaging 2 touchdowns a week up to this point - wild. He and Lamar are not the issue... the issue is if Barkley can be anything of what he was in 2024. So far... the answer is no. Which is wild, the Eagles have not looked great - maybe try giving him the ball.

How J-Bones win: IDK, My BFF Rose. At this point, I have no clue. The downward spiral in the rankings, in the performance (that's what she said), in life in general - needs to be studied. On paper, this team does not look 0-3... 2 top 10 RB's, the number 1 TE, a near top 10 QB - how has this team not gotten at least 1 win? Because they are the first team to cross the 400 point benchmark in "Points Against." That means teams are averaging 133.3 (repeating of course) against them... hard to win when that is happening.

Prediction: The J-Bones

Mystery Guest: The J-Bones

*Could this be the week ole' Bone Zone gets their first win???

Cleveland Streamers (1-2) v A.R's Broken Finger (1-2)

How Streamers wins: Slide into Madison Beers DM's and steal her from Justin Herbo. That boy needs to wake up and in a hurry. When Harbaugh doesn't believe in you... and he was all but putting you in his mouth last year - you might be in trouble. If he wakes up and starts playing some football... this team could be dangerous. So far.... that is a big if.

How A.R's wins: Jefferson needs to play. A lot of things happened last week to equate to a very unfortunate loss. Loveland is short of a TD, 49ers defense score 0 points against the Cardinals, annnndddd Jefferson gets hurt. It was a big blow to the team... he needs to play this week and he probably needs to look more like week 1 Jefferson. Wild take... bring back Wentz?

Prediction: Cleveland Streamers

Mystery Guest: Cleveland Streamers

As always, good luck to everyone - except you, GOTI - may your entire roster declare to be drafted in the WNBA and forever be stuck in the cycle of women's basketball hell.

With Love

Commish

Week 3 Results

Fantasy Guru: 3-4

Mystery Guest: 2-5

Season Results

Fantasy Guru: 13-8

Mystery Guest: 9-12