Wellllllllll..... I was reading a book to my children and it was moving along very nicely - happy go-lucky friends, good theme throughout, even a few funny jokes. Then I turn the page it has two words...
Everyone Dies.
I flip the page.
The End.
That book is exactly how some fantasy football teams are feeling right now - things were going smoothly, tracking along nicely - then.... everyone died. Hell, some teams don't even make it to the end the book - they are like a useless white male character in a horror film. The writers all think to themselves, "We can't kill the women - we still have to show them naked. We can't kill the black character - everyone will complain and call us racist. We might as well kill the only character that nobody will riot about if they die." That is why the white, male character is killed every time - just because. Now, how does this relate in the slightest to Fantasy Football?!? Because my team is made up of "white, male characters" (not literally, actually quite a few black people) and they are all dying before the end of the season.
Let's jump to the results....
Matchup of the Week
Remember the Redskins* (7-2) v Hernandez Hit Men* (5-4)
Welcome back Run CMC! This is what the scary part is... RtR has a team that is nearly unstoppable with Run CMC in the lineup. Wilson is unbelievable, Metcalf is unbelievable. Then you throw decent scoring from anyone else and this team is going to consistently score in the 130's - with explosions like this one taking place. It is his world and we are all playing for 2nd.
Prediction: Remember the Redskins wins... RIGHT!!
Mystery Guest: Remember the Redskins wins... RIGHT!!
Penis Fly Trap (5-4) v 3rd and 41* (4-5)
Annnddddd the streak continues....
3rd and 41 continues to beat teams with winning records and lose to teams with losing records. It does help with Allen decides to out-duel Wilson and Hill has his boom game during the same week. Not that it was needed. PFT is looking more like a 70-year old bologna sandwich than a nice 22-year old tightly wrapped ham panini.
Prediction: 3rd and 41 wins.... RIGHT!!
Mystery Guest: 3rd and 41 wins.... RIGHT!!
Bluffton Backup Backups (4-5) v Aaron Rodgers Blows L's (4-5)
BBB with a big win and keeping the playoff hopes alive! This gives a clean sweep for the tech guys a feat they have only pulled off 2 other times this season. Allen has played well - but to be honest it wasn't going to take much when Allen was carted off and Hopkins had an uncharacteristically bad week. ARBL is a team that is going to sneak into the playoffs and nobody wants to see that 3-headed monster (Thomas/Jones/Hopkins) down the stretch.
Prediction: Aaron Rodgers Blows Llams wins... WRONG!!
Mystery Guest: Aaron Rodgers Blows Llams wins... WRONG!!
Asymmetric TD's** (6-3) v The J-Bones** (5-4)
This might the biggest win of the season for The J-Bones. Battling a tough squad and still coming out on top - in the middle of downward spiral. This is the kind of win that can turn around a season - something a team can really build upon. JuJu finally had a good week and it helps that at the same time Kamara had a down performance, only scoring 15 points. TD's is still one of the top teams, don't this week fool you - they will get into the playoffs and they will be a tough out.
Prediction: Asymmetric TD's wins.... WRONG!!
Mystery Guest: The J-Bones wins... RIGHT!!
Ankle Holster* (4-5) v Dixie Normous (3-6)
This is a huge win for Holster - finally manages to take down the back-to-back champion. It was a rough showing from the running backs on either side - but DJ Dallas - I loved his beats when I was in Seattle - outscored Elliott. This matchup came down to the wire, as Patriots defense gave up 27 points to the lowly J-E-T-S and still managed to just score enough to secure the win. Who would have thought Joe Flacco and the winless Jets would have almost scored enough points for last year's top defense to not secure the win?
Prediction: Ankle Holster wins.... RIGHT!!
Mystery Guest: Ankle Holster wins.... RIGHT!!
PEN15 Wrinkle (3-6) v iTouchdown There* (5-4)
Honestly, at this point isn't it really like kicking a dead horse? No, this is worse. It is more like a dead horse, but then a live horse crawls inside and then you kill the horse again and beat it - it is like beating a dead horse inside a dead horse. Or you could just go to Vegas and buy two whores - kill them and then beat two whores. Or you could just be a fan of the 49ers and have your fantasy team be awful - all are pretty much the same thing.
Prediction: iTouchdown There wins... RIGHT!!
Mystery Guest: iTouchdown There wins... RIGHT!!
2 Gurleys 1 Cupp (5-4) v Solo Driving Asians (3-6)
Ben Franklin once said, "There are three things that are certain in life: Death, Taxes, and Adams scoring 30 points." Then he smoked some hemp and drafted the rest of his fantasy team. Franklin then named his team Solo Driving Asians and watched as his team wasted Adams' amazing scoring every week with surrounding clowns. On the flip side, 2G1C is quietly flying under the radar with consistent scoring. They will be another team that will make the playoffs and should be a tough out.
Prediction: 2 Gurleys 1 Cupp wins... RIGHT!!
Mystery Guest: 2 Gurleys 1 Cupp wins.... RIGHT!!
Season: 34-29
Mystery Guest: 33-30
Mwah
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