If you don't know by now, I have two kids - a boy who thinks like I think and a girl who acts like me... neither of which are super desirable traits. Every so often, we tend to get along and do some family "things" - ritual sacrifices, zoot palace, Jungle Book tree climbing, fridge hopping, and our all-time favorite yard pooping.
Don't. Knock. It. Till. You've. Tried. It.
Well, one day (when they were little) we were watching this Disney movie, Zombies. If you haven't seen it, it is a lovely flick about a town that hates zombies, but they are allowed in the public school, one joins the football team, does really well, makes a cheerleader fall in love with him, yada yada yada - it is essentially Remember The Titans only they have upgraded the black characters to zombies.
Anyways, amidst my wanting to blow my brains out while this movie is taking place - a phenomenon happens. A song plays, that is corny as hell, but I believe the song applies to about half the teams so far (more specifically my team)...
I trust that you watched the whole video... Odds for who watched the whole video are as follows...
Atkins: 2 to 3 - naturally, I even know the dance
Lloyd: 2 to 1 - I expect to know the dance by Sunday
Kunkel: 5 to 1 - younger kids, a couple girls - you just never with a girl dad
Bebout: 9 to 1 - I think he would make his entire 8th grade class sit and watch this gem
Koty: 4 to 1 - new guy, probably thinks that nothing should be skipped
Taylor: 5 to 1 - odds would be lower, but always seems like he has too much sh*t that needs done
Abbett: 4 to 1 - seems like the kind of guy, who hates to stop halfway through videos
Baxter: 7 to 1 - seems like the guy that would watch this and learn the dance with his wife, but she is out of commission for a while
Schwartz: 11 to 1 - odds are boosted higher because it is tennis season and he could care less right now
Vandy: 3 to 1 - there has to be some kind of allegory in here that you could use in class
Ribich: 5 to 1 - he might have to check the videos all the way through for anything that needs turned in
Linton: 2 to 3 - he has already seen the movie and is a Zombie groupie
Grieser/Price: 1000 to 1 - both of these two probably don't even know that the blog is a thing
So yes... this is MY YEAR! Let me just explain... do you know the last time a fantasy team with some form of cock in its name won week 1? 2020. You know the last time that same team beat The J-Bones in week 1? Never. The past 4 week 1 matchups have been against The J-Bones... and every time The J-Bones have won. UNTIL NOW.... this is MY YEAR!!
Matchup of the Week
Nips and Salsa (1-0) v The J-Bones (0-1)
Let's be honest, not the best showing from The J-Bones... lost the Key Matchup, X-Factors combined for under 15 points as a stack, and was lowest scoring team in the league this week. The bright side? It is only week 1... and the Colts won! On the flip side, Sutton won the Key Matchup, and Nips' X-Factor only had 6.6 points - which leaves room for some big improvement. Call it what you want (lucky opponent), but chalk that one up for the Nips!
Predicktion: Nips and Salsa... RIGHT!!
Mystery Guest: J-Bones... WRONG!!
Cleveland Streamers (1-0) v 2AP (0-1)
This turned out much closer than it looked like it was going to be, thanks to Josh Allen's 4th quarter heroics... but it almost looked lost for the Steamers, until JJ McCarthy remembered how to play football. In the Key Matchup, LaPorta edged out Kittle - but Kittle was sidelined due to an injury in the game. The even worse part? Kittle is going to be out for 3-5 weeks... leaving a big hole in the lineup. The X-Factor for 2AP was Chuba and he stepped up - but who would have thought that Chase would struggle as bad as he did. If you had to finger point, not that it is a good thing - but there are many fingers pointing at Mr. Chase and his 2 receptions. I mean, it isn't like Jefferson lit it up on the other side, but he did outscore Chase by 10 points... maybe Chase wasn't the play with the number 1 overall pick.
Predicktion: 2AP... WRONG!!
Mystery Guest: 2AP... WRONG!!
*Slender TD's (1-0) v AR's Finger (0-1)
What a belt worthy performance! Breece Hall won the Key Matchup against Jaylen Warren, and Marvin Harrison Jr outscored his projection. Even crazier? Slender had -7 points from their defense and still won the belt this week? On the flip side, who would have thought that Bo Nix would look like that in week 1 against the Titans?!?!? Painful, just downright painful. ARF had only player out score their projection... and TD's had 2 play not reach their projections. A recipe for disaster...
Predicktion: AR Finger... WRONG!!
Mystery Guest: Slender TD's... RIGHT!!
Bootay Pirates (1-0) v ARBL (0-1)
You know, there might be something to not coming to the draft party... the two highest scoring teams are the longest standing members to not show up to the draft party - what the f*ck? Kelce won the Key Matchup and Garrett Wilson had a big game for the NY Jets (against the Pittsburgh defense, might I add). Not to mention that Justin Herbert looked more Patrick Mahomes than Patrick Mahomes did. Everything was rolling for Bootay this week... and truthfully, it was rolling for ARBL. ARBL scored the 3rd highest points this week and is still taking the loss. You want to know how you prevent that? You score the highest!
Predicktion: ARBL... WRONG!!
Mystery Guest: Bootay Pirates... RIGHT!!
Cocaine Cowboys (1-0) v BEKH (0-1)
What do the fantasy football Cowboys and the Indianapolis Colts have in common? They win games using cocaine as motivation. Don't believe me? The Colts won week 1... handily... thanks to celebrating their former late owner Jim "Cocaine" Irsay. The C. Cowboys lineup is listed with known coke addicts... Jared Goff? He talks about it on the Quarterback show on Netflix. Trey McBride? We all know you can't play TE in the NFL without a little coke before the game. Alvin Kamara has his septum pierce... I mean, he might as well just tell the entire world. And do I really need to get into the copious amounts of cocaine that the nostrils of DK Metcalf has consumed?!?!?
Predicktion: BEKH... WRONG!!
Mystery Guest: BEKH... WRONG!!
1st Downs Syndrome (1-0) v Tush Push (0-1)
If you name your team name Tush Push... Jalen Hurts better have a good season. Oh trust me, he started strong - his usual ways of 2 rushing touchdowns. After that? Swing and miss. Matthew Golden looked good on the opening drive, but then J. Love spread the ball around and the Packers didn't need much offensive work to be done that day. The Tush Push is going to need to have more help throughout the lineup... on the flip side, CMC is healthy (for now) and hopefully he can stay that way. J. Daniels is going to put together a stat line this is always similar to what he did in week 1, give or take a few touchdowns. The big thing for Syndrome is whether or not CMC can stay healthy all season long.
Predicktion: 1 Downs Syndrome... RIGHT!!
Mystery Guest: Project Tush Push... WRONG!!
Deez Lutz (0-1) v Ertz when Eifert (1-0)
Some might say that this explanation is short because it is the last one. Some might say that this explanation is short because I want to go to lunch. Some might even say that this explanation is short because neither of these two frequent the wall in the afternoon. I saw it is short because this is a shitty example of what fantasy football should look like in week 1.
Predicktion: Ertz when Eifert... RIGHT!!
Mystery Guest: Ertz when Eifert... RIGHT!!
With Love
Commish
Season Total: 3-4
Mystery Total: 3-4
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