I am sitting in a cold room waiting for out professional development bullsh*t to start - I can't tell you the excitement that is building inside of me. I am about to burst with a ball of joy! YIPPPEEEEE!
Isn't this what we all look forward to as teachers, completely useless time - learning stuff that most competent 4th graders already know. I feel like a professional.
No matter what happens, I still feel more accomplished during this bullsh*t than I do as a fantasy football manager. This is the exact conversation I had with a colleague earlier this morning....
"How is your fantasy team looking?"
"Awful, I can't score any points!"
"Ouch, have you been dealing with injuries?"
"Nope."
"Dang... have you had players miss games?"
"Nope."
"Hahah, well what is the issue?"
"Management."
And that is where the conversation ended - he sensed the bitterness in my voice. So now I am forced to write this blog about a league with my sh*tty team, in this cold ass room waiting for PD to start, and I am all out of Bang! You might as well drizzle Ranch dressing all over me, on to the matchups.....
Matchup of the Week
Bluffton Backup Backups (2-3) v Asymmetric TDs* (5-0)
Hot Dang! Is someone going to beat the titties? Not only are they a marvelous part of the anatomy - but the fantasy team ain't that bad!
QB: Jackson v Mahomes
If you didn't know Mahomes has clearly established himself as the not only the better actual QB, but also the better fantasy QB. I am not sure Jackson is even in the top 3 or 4 at the moment. Mahomes has made it very clear, he is the future on both facets.
RB: Sanders/Singletary v Kamara/Gurley
Gurley must have heard that I didn't mention his name is the predictions post (see "Solo Driving Asians" post). He went off and he ended up outscoring everyone in this matchup. Kamara had a down week and only was able to score 19.9 - just think about that, he had a down week and scored 19.9 points. Yeah, dat boi goooood!
WR: Woods/Allen v Kupp/Landry
In a close matchup, Woods and Allen were able to score slightly better than Kupp and Landry. Woods is going to be up and down, but he was able to out duel Kupp. The bigger surprise is the fact that Herbert threw 4 touchdowns and Allen was only able to score 10 points - typically he will score higher with the QB output like that.
TE: Engram v Olsen
Everyone saw this going exactly as it played out. Engram out performed Olsen, but it wasn't by much and it really only depended on whether or not Olsen could secured a touchdown pass. The only problem is, he doesn't get many targets - so it is a looooooong shot.
FLEX: Jones v Williams
Williams was the big benefactor of Herbert's big output. Williams was able to secure a couple touchdown grabs and he pretty much made up for the WR matchup as he was able to score nearly 30 points. Williams is a boom-or-bust and he was definitely a boom this week!
DEF/K: Seahawks/Blankenship v Colts/Gonzalez
Guess who is the leading scorer in the NFL through 5 weeks? Rodrigo Blankenship a.k.a Squints.
Prediction: Bluffton Backup Backups wins.... WRONG!!
Mystery Guest: Bluffton Backup Backups wins.... WRONG!!
Penis Fly Trap (3-2) v Aaron Rodgers Blows Llams (3-2)
You know what isn't a good look? Having your starting lineup get beat by the opposing team's bench players. Given the bench players consisted of Chase Claypool, Darrell Henderson, and Carson Wentz. ARBL's bench would have beaten at least 3 other teams this week. Needless to say, this matchup was not close and the worse part is the fact that PFT had their optimal lineup in - could be a long year!
Prediction: Penis Fly Trap wins... WRONG!!
Mystery Guest: Aaron Rodgers Blows Llams wins.... RIGHT!!
3rd and 41* (2-3) v Dixie Normous (2-3)
Dixie Normous put the league on notice last week when he lost the belt by less 3 points. This week they take down another big win and they are looking stronger than ever with Elliott going to be the focal point of the Cowboy's offense and Theilen should be the man with Cook sidelined for a little while. Don't look now, but the 2-time defending champ is making a run and actually has a strong team this year!
Prediction: 3rd and 41 wins.... WRONG!!
Mystery Guest: 3rd and 41 wins... WRONG!!
iTouchdown There (2-3) v The J-Bones** (3-2)
There were a few really close matchups this week - this one wasn't even the closest and it was determined by less than 1 point. I can only imagine the frantic terror that came across iTouch when he discovered that Zach Moss was not playing in the final game of the week and he had to find a way to score .4 points - luckily he was bale to pick up Darrynton Evans - cue the Connor McGregor meme "Who dafuq is that guy?" The J-Bones went from being a top dog to middle of the pack and to add salt to the wound, Prescott decided he going to have his leg bone pop right through his skin. It was an interesting decision on his part, considering this was a contract year and everything - lets see how it plays out! One way is going to involve Dak being sent to the cess pool that is free agency/waiver wire for fantasy purposes.
Prediction: iTouchdown There wins... RIGHT!!
Mystery Guest: The J-Bones wins... WRONG!!
Hernandez Hit Men (3-2) v PEN15 Wrinkle (2-3)
Honestly, this matchup doesn't even deserve to be talked about. The fact that HHM got a win and didn't even break 100 points. I think you should only get half a win this week - nonetheless, you can only beat the person in front of you and that is exactly what HHM did this. Really, really proud of you!
Prediction: Hernandez Hit Men wins... RIGHT!!
Mystery Guest: PEN15 Wrinkle wins... WRONG!!
2 Gurleys 1 Cupp (3-2) v Ankle Holster* (1-4)
Let's just say this, last night at exactly 9:34 p.m. I received a text....
"F*ck fantasy football. I quit. Put that in the f*cking blog."
I will let you guess which owner sent me that text as his wide receiver was held out of action and the opponent's wide receiver happen to score just enough to win by .2 points.
Prediction: 2 Gurleys 1 Cupp wins... RIGHT!!
Mystery Guest: Ankle Holster wins... WRONG!!
Remember the Redskins (4-1) v Solo Driving Asians (1-4)
Solo Driving Asians - Is up by 2 points with 30 seconds remaining in the game
9:15 - SDA sends out a a GIF of an Asian lady driving in a group chat
4 minutes later
Wilson drives down the field and throws a touchdown pass to Metcalf.
The aftermath.... RtR wins by 10 points - that touchdown pass was the exact difference between the two teams.
Did the text cause the comeback? Maybe.... Maybe not.... but it happened.
Prediction: Remember the Redskins wins... RIGHT!!
Mystery Guest: Remember the Redskins wins... RIGHT!!
Season Predictions: 19-16
Mystery Guest: 18-17
Well, well, well - my fantasy team may suck - but look who just took the lead and can taste the Bang Energy drinks now!
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