Week 1 Predictions

You know what really grinds my gears?!?!? When people have the chance for pull-thru parking spot and instead decide to just stop. Like why? It actually happened today... someone pulled into a spot with a clear opening ahead of them and then just stopped. WTF? I just wonder what was going through the brain of the mouth-breather who was behind the wheel. You mean to tell me that you have this gift that was given to you and instead of taking it you spit in the hand that feeds you... you are the worst kind of person to walk this planet. People who don't use pull-thru parking spots are the same kind of people who complain about getting money instead of an actual gift for Christmas. B*tch, go get your own gift.

Some of you have been given a parking space in front of you this week - you just gotta take the gift. If a smokin' hot lady comes walking up, let's say it is prime Virginia Venit, and offers to take you home - you don't just shrug it off and go back to your grandma living in a nursing home with Ben Affleck making her labor away until her fingers are bleeding. Do you wanna win this league or do you want to get caught sucking on your grandma's middle toe.... right ETN?!?! 

When you look at the schedule of the league and begin to breakdown where you need to win, for some of you - it comes early. Some managers have terrific matchups early in the season and need to take advantage. However, some managers face other managers that have been notorious for finding ways to win or finding ways to score points - no matter how sh*tty their team looks. Before we jump to the predictions, let's look at the how the stats adjusted the careers of some of these managers....

Somethings to not from these career stats...

A) Young, up-and-coming manager Baxter has managed to be atop the league in scoring in both of his years in the league - yet no wins to show for his efforts? Fantasy Football is truly a crapshoot.

B) Ribich has the most points scored in the league all-time, but had only made the playoffs half the years in the league. Fantasy Football is truly a crapshoot.

C) Price is consistently in the middle of the pack in every category, yet when he makes the playoffs he wins the whole damn thing. Fantasy Football is truly a crapshoot.

D) Atkins finds himself in the top 3 of all statistics, yet has never hoisted the RJ Bombshells Trophy. Fantasy Football is truly a crapshoot.

Enough about that, let's jump to the predictions....

Week 1 Predictions

Matchup of the Week

The J-Bones v The Cochness Monsters

If having a pull-through is a gift - this is getting boxed in on all sides. This is teams 1 and 3 in the D.D.A rankings (which clearly mean nothing). Not too mention the lower ranked team is one of the most consistent managers in the league. There is no other place than to shine the light on these bundle of sticks...

With that being said, I got TCM in this matchup. I think Ekeler is going to have a big year, but in this specific matchup (LAC vs LV) I think that Herbert is going to look to prove himself as an elite QB in this division. I also like the three RB matchups for TCM (vsSEA, vsMIN, vsMIA). On the flip side, The J-Bones have the type of team that could easily score 150+ points if the stars align. JuJu is going to have a big year, how quickly will it happen though? Barkley could be a top 3 RB in fantasy, but can he stay healthy? Claypool may have the biggest question mark of all receivers in terms of QB.

Prediction: The Cochness Monsters

Mystery Guest: The J-Bones

Side Set TD's v Gruden Email Editor

These two teams find themselves right in the middle of the D.D.A - which typically doesn't produce many winners (ironically, most of the time it comes from slot number 12). However, neither one of these teams are struggling for playmakers. Emails has one of the most versatile players in the NFL (D. Samuel) and is hoping that Lance Experiment doesn't derail his value. The Macaulay Culkin doppelgänger is hoping to not have a Super Bowl hangover and come out firing. On the flip side, TD's went all in on pass catchers with Chase/Adams/Waller. He will also be riding the RussBus with Cierra. In term's of this matchup, give me the pass-catchers... this is a PPR league afterall.

Prediction: Side Set TD's

Mystery Guest: Gruden Email Editor

Ayahuasca Dreamer v ETN out your Grandma

The psychedelic trip for Mr. Ayahuasca might be slowly coming to end. The 14th (and last place) team on the D.D.A has to face-off with the team that was gifted the number 1 pick in the draft. Ironically, Dreamer also had the last pick in the draft, which means this is now a battle between pick number 14 and pick number 1, any guesses on where I am going? I will tell you where I am not going, I am not going to the Zoot Palace with Rodgers, Willie Nelson, and Snoop Dogg. Instead, I will be livin' fine with Taylor and Allen.

Prediction: ETN out your Grandma

Mystery Guest: ETN out your Grandma

Watson's Happy Ending v Not Big Red

It is nice to have some fresh meat in the league. Sometimes you just gotta have a nice, upstanding, young lady come to your house and take care of that meat for you. Sometimes you need it done 24 times.... allegedly. For Mr. NBR he has to face one of the most consistent managers in terms of winning with his first matchup of the league. This is going to be rough, especially since WHE sent a guy to Washington to deal with a position battle and securely lock-up the starting role for Gibson. That and that alone not only makes me afraid of Watson's Happy Ending, but also gives them the edge in this matchup. Not to mention, it is difficult picking a team that hasn't even paid for the league yet.... cough cough NBR cough cough

Prediction: Watson's Happy Ending

Mystery Guest: Not Big Red

Bluffton Backup Backups v Ankle Holster

This is going to be a fun week for BBB - one of few. Yes, they don't have the number Indianapolis Colts player (J. Taylor) they pretty much own everybody else. Guess who the Colts play this week? My prediction for one of the worst teams in the NFL.... the Houston Texans. The plus side of having the Colts play the Texans this week is also nice because I don't have to pick that shitty team Ankle Holster. There are a few key matchups that don't look good for the 19-incher: Akers v. Buff, Amon-St. v. Phi, Hall v. Balt. This could be one of the few good weeks for BBB and I am predicting the Upset of the Week to take place in this matchup.

Prediction: Bluffton Backup Backups

Mystery Guest: Ankle Holster

Aaron Rodgers Blows Llams v OBJs in the Stands

Both of these teams look somewhat decent when you look at the roster, but if you really break it down a little further - it can get a little shaky. Let's look at few key players for Llams...

Chubb - actually really like this RB... Brissett should feed him the rock early and often

Montgomery - an RB who doesn't catch passes and plays in the Chicago offense, need I say more?

Sutton - an upgrade in QB, but lots of options around him - which Denver pass-catcher will take over?

Kmet - see Montgomery

Lockett - went from Wilson to Geno Smith

Now a look at OBJs

Kamara - definitely a top RB, but can Winston keep him relevant

Fournette - this is a PPR league, right?

Metcalf - see Lockett for Llams

Freiermuth - No clue who is throwing him the ball, if your name isn't Najee Harris - I don't want you

Lazard - Lizards purposefully lose their tail and grow one back in order to escape a predator

You what team is scarier between the two? Llams has a nice stack of Stafford/Kupp, but this week they face-off against Buffalo and I don't think it will be a huge showing for the two... therefore I gotta go with OBJs - plus, who doesn't love a little dome action?!?!?

Prediction: OBJs in the Stands

Mystery Guest: OBJs in the Stands

Hoosier Daddy? v PEN15 Wrinkle 

Just so we are clear, this matchup was 2nd in running for MotW (maybe they didn't get it because neither team has paid yet, who knows?). Contrast to the D.D.A, ESPN has these two teams projected to finished top two in the league. Does ESPN know something that we don't?? We had these teams ranks 10th and 11th - waaaayyyy off from the projected standings. It might be because we don't trust Hoosier's running back department. For PEN15, it is probably more because his b*tch ass never comes to the draft and it is fun just ranking as low as possible. To be fair, his lineup is decent - and he could have a good week this week - he is going to need KC to chuck the ball all over the field (which they very well could.... a lot). Simply because of the sh*tty running backs for Hoosier, I am going with PEN15.

Prediction: PEN15 Wrinkle

Mystery Guest: Hoosier Daddy

As always, good luck to everyone - except for you The J-Bones, may your entire roster burn in a fiery helicopter crash eerily similar to the one that took down Kobe!

With Love

Commish

AJB =

D. Smith = 

C. Akers =

J. Williams =