Week 3 Results

What in the actual hell is happening right now. This is the start of a fantasy football nightmare... let's break it down...

Gluten Douches has scored 360 points this season - that is good for 4th in the entire league. 

Gluten Douches has had 490 points scored against them - that is 127 points more than 2nd place in points scored against. Let's put this into terms of a weekly points...

The league average of points scored per week is 110 points per week. Gluten Douches have 163 points scored against them on average. We are talking about an average of 50 points a week!!! Now, this isn't just too toot my own horn and to talk about the Gluten Douches being the best 0-3 team ever assembled. As bad as the luck has been for the Douches - it hasn't been much better for The J-Bones...

The J-Bones are 2-1... good start. However, they have now lost Nick Chubb and Mike Williams. Let's put that into perspective...

Losing Nick Chubb in this league is like waking up in the morning and realizing you have no clean underwear. Losing Nick Chubb in this league is like getting ready to take a relaxing dump... and it just a fart. Losing Nick Chubb is like being the only straight guy in a gay bar and the last women just left. 

When you lose a guy like Nick Chubb there is no replacement. You better have someone stashed in your roster that can fill that spot - because there is nothing left on the waiver wire. Not to mention, if you did have someone stashed - you have probably had to use all flexibility you built for the bye weeks and now you are barely holding on.

Then just as the house is on fire and you are just waiting for the fire department to show up. You replace Nick Chubb with Raheem Mostert and he has the game of a lifetime - looks like the fire department showed up and they are ready to fix the situation. However, they forgot that they had filled up their fire truck tank with vodka the night before for a wild rager they threw at the station. They try to put the fire and BOOM!! Mike Williams goes down and the house is burning even stronger.

The J-Bones will be an interesting story throughout the rest of the season and to see how they continue from here.

Matchup of the Week

No Time for Love (1-2) v Handy Rudgins (0-3)

Well, someone had to win....

A wise man once said, "Even pillow fights there are winners and loser, so load the case full of bricks and swing away!" 

The Bills represented the bricks. Josh Allen/Gabe/Davis/Bills Defense combined for over half of the entire team score for No Time for Love. The defense doing the heavy lifting with 31 points. That would be the 2nd highest scoring performance from a defense this year and also make them the highest scoring player in the matchup. On the flip side, the bright side for Handy Rudgins - the Bengals look like they are actually ready to play football and Jerome Ford looks solid as a Nick Chubb backup.

Prediction: Handy Rudgins... WRONG!!

Mystery Guest: No Time for Love... RIGHT!!

Njigbas in Paris* (3-0) v Gluten Douches (0-3)

I am like f*cking Oprah... You get a belt! You get a belt! Everyone wins the belt! I mean seriously, what does a brotha gotta do to get a win. I have ravaged through opposing teams and traded my way to what I feel like is a very competitive team, but noooooooo - the Miami Dolphins decide to score 70 points on the week that the Douches are playing Tua and Hill. Not to mention, Njigbas also have Keenan Allen - who might be a top 3 wide receiver when healthy... guess what? HE F*CKIN' HEALTHY!!

Prediction: Gluten Douches... WRONG!!

Mystery Guest: Njigbas in Paris... RIGHT!!

Insert Team Name Here (1-2) v I HATE CHAD G (2-1)

This battle should have probably been the MotW with the media stories swirling about a possible 12-round boxing match between the owners. Some think that there is genuine hate for each other... but I personally think it is deeper. I think it is in the plums. I think there is bluish hue and that needs taken care of.

Nonetheless, Team Name just flat out did not show up this week. Easy win for I HATE CHAD G - which had plenty of bulletin board material to rile up the boiz!

Prediction: Insert Team Name Here... WRONG!!

Mystery Guest: Insert Team Name Here... WRONG!!

I miss TB12 (2-1) v East/West TDs* (2-1)

You know, it is very funny how things happen. Almost directly after every trade I make - things quickly go downhill for me and they seem to trend upward for the other team. I made a trade with TB12 - they win and put up their highest total yet. I made a trade Ertz... they are 2-0 since the trade. If you want to win, trade with me. This is a week of glory for TB12, no position scored less than 11 points. You want to win fantasy matchups? Do that.

Prediction: East/West TD's... WRONG!!

Mystery Guest: I miss Tom Brady... RIGHT!!

Ertz when Eifert (2-1) v Hoosier Daddy (1-2)

You want to know if your team is bad? Here is a good way to check it...

You play a team that you think got absolutely Power Moved in a trade and then lose them... after they don't play any players that they traded for. Instead they play, Ty Chandler - who I am pretty sure played center for the Dallas Mavericks at one point. Hoosier Daddy is a downward spiral and needs to get it fixed and quick. LaPorta seems to be the biggest bright spot for the team, but the lack of running backs in a league like this is going to kill a team.

Prediction: Ertz when Eifert... RIGHT!!

Mystery Guest: Hoosier Daddy... WRONG!!

ARBL (2-1) v The J-Bones* (2-1)

If you haven't read... just check out the top portion of the blog - The J-Bones won, but at what cost???

Prediction: Aaron Rodgers Blows Llams... WRONG!!

Mystery Guest: Aaron Rodgers Blows Llams... WRONG!!

Ankle Holster (1-2) v PEN15 Wrinkle (2-1)

In a matchup that features rivals as well (might just be rivalry week) - one team just looked to find themselves a diamond in the rough. There might not be much worse than playing a team that picks up Achane (backup running back for the Dolphins) and then that player scoring 51 points in that same week - which is only 6 points away from the highest point total by a single player ever. What is even crazier, Wrinkle only scored 116 points - even with Achane in the lineup. A win is a win, and that is something that Ankle Holster can't say.

Prediction: PEN15 Wrinkle... RIGHT!!

Mystery Guest: Ankle Holster... WRONG!!

With Love

Commish

Season: 7-14

Mystery Guest: 13-8

GD Top RB: 53.9 (K. Williams)

AH Top RB: 43.4 (J. Cook)