Week 1 Predictions

You can say all you want about the D.D.A rankings and argue whether you feel like you were slighted - but lesbian honest... they don't really mean anything. They are like points in "Whose line is it anyway?" Or maybe even like the calorie count on a beer. They are even as useless as a cell phone when your wife is calling; I mean you are picking up anyways! 

The only thing that really matters at the end of the day, is who wins and who loses. In the past we have had teams that scores tons of points and don't make the playoffs. We have had teams that are loaded and lose to teams that absolutely suck - anybody remember Mr. Cooler? The only thing that matters is what do you have in the win column. And the crazy part is, you could have a really good team and still lose in week 1. Just like in a church van... anything can happen....

Matchup of the Week
Gluten Douches v The J-Bones

Some may call it narcissism and some may be right. Like it or hate it, this matchup features the 1 and 3 ranked teams from the D.D.A. If you happen to fall in the "hate it" side of things, you are more than welcome to come to the draft and hang out afterwards and rank teams - by all means come and defend your team! On the fantasy side of things... these teams matchup extremely well. 

QB: D. Watson v T. Lawrence

Edge: T. Lawrence

Reasoning: Lawrence gets the privilege of opening the season much like his college days... Cupcake Central. His first 3 matchups all ranked near the bottom of the league in terms of defense against the pass. This week he gets Indianapolis - who clearly did not get any better on defense. Lawrence has had his way with Indy in the past; in his previous 4 matchups he has average around 200 yards and 1.5 touchdowns without throwing an interception. Add the growth of his weapons and the addition of Calvin Ridley and this QB battle edge goes to T. Lawrence.

RB: B. Robinson/J. Jacobs v T. Pollard/N. Chubb

Edge: B. Robinson/J. Jacobs v T. Pollard/N. Chubb

Reasoning: A great coach once said, "Three things can happen when you throw the ball and two of them are bad." Robinson may be a rookie - but he is going to be the focal point of the Atlanta offense. On top of that, he faces a Carolina Defense that look vastly different than the days when they had Luke Keuchly and the boys - last year they were ranked 22nd and finished near the bottom of the league in every defensive category. Josh Jacobs is... well he is the number 3 overall running back last year and until that changes the edge goes to Robinson and Jacobs.

WR: A. Cooper/G. Pickens v C. Godwin/M. Williams

Edge: A. Cooper/G. Pickens

Reasoning: Cooper and Pickens are both WR1 on their respective teams, the same can not be said for the Godwin and Williams. Yes, Pickens plays in Pittsburgh and yes, they are a run heavy offense - however, he has been demanding more volume and the Pittsburgh offense is ready to give it to him. I have source in the coach's office and he let me know that Pickens could be seeing upwards of 8/9 targets every week. Consider that a done deal.

TE: E. Engram v C. Kmet

Edge: E. Engram

Reasoning: Engram is primed and ready to have a big season - remember the QB battle.... Engram play for the Jags. Look for Lawrence to use him in the Redzone early and often in the season and I foresee a touchdown and a big week for the big fella against Indianapolis.

FLEX: J. Conner v T. McLaurin

Edge: J. Conner

Reasoning: Conner is literally the only thing Arizona has on offense. Ironically, these two teams face-off against each other and the Washington pass rush is very solid. Not to mention, Arizona recently cut anybody of value at the QB position - I am not so sure we aren't going to see Conner taking snaps and just running for his life back there. No matter what, there is no battle reps and Conner is lined up to be the only good thing going for Arizona.

DEF/K: Jets/B. McManus v Cowboys/T. Bass

Edge: Cowboys/Bass

Reasoning: The Jets have a solid defense, but they play Buffalo. Bass is Buffalo's kicker - which means there will be lots of opportunity to score points. This is especially important because both of these are on Monday Night - which means that neither option can be sat after the games on Sunday. This is especially more difficult for the Jets... defenses are more likely to have negative points. The edge goes to Cowboys/Bass for that exact reason. 

Prediction: Gluten Douches

Mystery Guest: The J-Bones

Hoosier Daddy v Handy Rudgins

Let's just start this off by stating that this is the first time that Hoosier Daddy finished the draft and actually disliked his team.... like strongly disliked his team. The computer nerds have him favored by a couple points - but I couldn't disagree more. I do not like the Kupp/Akers play against the Seattle Seahawk defense. I think that Seattle likes to run the ball and take care of their possessions, which would limit opportunity for both of those players to have big nights. Stevenson was in line to have a big season, until the Elliott signing. The rest of his lineup looks like it is apart of some traveling tribe that has just found fire. On the flip side, Jahmyr Gibbs and Michael Thomas are big question marks. Every other matchup seems favorable for good ole Handy. I can't tell you how many times I end the day with a good handy and call it a night!

Prediction: Handy Rudgins

Mystery Guest: Hoosier Daddy

East/West TD's v PEN15 Wrinkle

First off, Kirk Cousins is the Greta Thunberg of the NFL. He plays fairly consistently, but in the end - everybody forgets about him. Both have had their bright spots; both are considers experts in their field; both are extremely white. Yet somehow, both are easily forgettable. I mean it took me three to four Google searches revolving around "nerd girl" before I finally found her name (I won't tell what other sites I got distracted on). Cousins has the number one receiver and a top three TE - plus Minnesota just shipped out their top running back and are now relying on Mattison and the most likable guy from the Netflix series "Quarterback." Simply because every time I read the name Kirk Cousins I think of the '90s tv show Growing Pains am I picking East/West TD's.

Prediction: East/West TD's

Mystery Guest: East/West TD's

I HATE CHAD G v Aaron Rodgers Blows Llams

I don't know if it is just because I am a jaded Colts fan or if it the fact that the backup for J. Taylor (on ARBL) is is K. Herbert. It is a big hole to fill and it will need to be filled quickly. It might be a sneaky play... throw the first week, get the best waiver wire pick and try and pick-up the best player available that can immediately help the starting line-up. On the flip side, if Barkley can stay healthy I really like the tandem of Barkley and Walker at running back. They have good matchups against weaker defenses, Dallas and LAR (no offense Mr. Donald).

Prediction: I HATE CHAD G

Mystery Guest: I HATE CHAD G

Insert Team Name v Ankle Holster

I will be completely honest, outside of Dicker the Kicker, there is not a lot I like about the Holster's lineup. I strongly dislike the running back options and I think the wide receivers are so/so. Wilson could have a good year with Rodgers at the helm - but then again he is not playing the Detroit Lions and Chicago Bears anymore. He has to play against Buffalo/New England/Miami (who just acquired Jalen Ramsey this offseason). On the flip side, I love the tandem of Herbert/Ekeler and I think ITN might have a top three running back department. Look for the duo to do the heavy lifting and take home a big win for week 1.

Prediction: Insert Team Name

Mystery Guest: Ankle Holster

Njigbas in Paris v No Time for Love

Call it what you want... I love Njigbas! The Miami stack of Tua/Hill in a game that I think could be the highest scoring game of the week is deadly. Amon Ra is in a good matchup against KC (another candidate for the highest scoring game of the week). The only issue for Njigbas? Josh Allen. Kelce will get his, but that will come on Thursday... there will be no comfortable sleep on a Sunday night for NiP. Allen plays on MNF with Gabe Davis and the Bills defense - this matchup will not be settled till the late game!

Prediction: Njigbas in Paris

Mystery Guest: Njigbas in Paris

I Miss Tom Brady v Ertz when Eifert

See what we have here is a battle between the two newest members of the league. Zappe joined last season and Ertz joined this season. One guy drafted Mahomes in the first round; the other is ranked near the bottom of the D.D.A. If I am being completely honest, I am not a huge fan of either team's lineup - but what do I know?!? Mattison and Pacheco are both starters for what should be pretty good scoring offenses - they just will never be the focal point of attack. Metcalf and Samuel have Geno Smith and Brock Purdy throwing the ball (respectively) and Calvin Ridley didn't even play last year! On the flip side, Pierce and Gibson are both running backs that could struggle all year long with their floundering offenses. Adams has a quarterback change - not for the better. Brown should be decent, but in a run first offense and Kittle is a much better football player than he is fantasy scorer. Either way, flip a coin - both of these teams will end up on the outside looking in come playoffs time!

Prediction: Zappe Fever

Mystery Guest: I miss Tom Brady

Good luck to everyone... except for you, The J-Bones, may your entire roster turn into body doubles and forget how to play football eerily similar to the fate of Demar Hamlin. 

With Love

Commish