Giannis Attempt to Kill Pooh
Arnold Sword in a Ni**er
Novak Choke a Witch
Or the famous beer company, Steal a Menage-a-Twa
Which does bring me to our Team of the Week...
Team of the Week
Florida State Seminal Vesicles
This team made a statement in week one - scoring a league high 156.1 points, led by Sammy Watkins with 46.8 points. What a decision! No matter what happens, that long ass team name will be scribed into the record books (until another player can break Watkins' score). Let's take a deeper look at the current top team in the league....
QB - Drew Brees/Tom Brady
Name a better backup quarterback than Brady? Go ahead, I'll wait. Brees looked so-so in week one and Brady looked stellar. This will be a tough decision week-in and week-out, especially with the addition of AB to the Patriots. Sadly, all I can think about when I see Tom Brady is either him kissing his son for faaaaarrrrr too long or this "The League" clip...
One team is looking to keep it going, the other is looking for a fix. This matchups features the top two pre-season projected teams (see The DDA). It also features number one overall pick, Alvin Kamara. The Saints really turned things around in the second half of MNF when they started featuring Kamara - and that could be scary for the NFL, as well as the BBL. The issue for The J-Bones is who is going to help out? Coleman is injured and the backups don't look too promising. Rodgers is in another tough matchup against a tough Vikings defense. On the other hand, the three headed monster of D. Johnson, K. Johnson, and J. Jacobs only had two heads going. Although, two heads are better than one (Kamara) and as long as there is consistent play in the other line-ups, look for those running backs to lead Dickarus even closer to the sun!
Prediction: Wings of Dickarus wins
Mystery Guest: Wings of Dickarus wins
You know what is scary? Mahomes/Kelce on the same roster. You know what is even scarier? Mahomes/Kelce on the same roster with Tyreek Hill injured. This Mahomes/Kelce combo could completely dominate an Oakland defense. Fitzgerald showed that he definitely still has something in the tank and with Antonio Brown now entered into the lineup - this is a deep team of pass catchers. On the other side, week one standout Marquise Brown now finds his way into a lineup that also features Hopkins. These two combined for over 60 points in week one, if they can do it again TD's will tough to beat, but will they be able to do it again? Probably not, Massive TD's will be relying on Williams and Jones to step-up and put up some points, in bunches. Personally, I just think the pas catchers for ....And Your Johnson are just too much to overcome!
Prediction: ....And Your Johnson wins
Mystery Guest: ....And Your Johnson wins
The good news? Someone is going to get their first win! BBB looked they were ready to lock up a win and shove it all of our faces that a tech nerd who knows nothing about football was able to win in their first week - yet the matchup in week one ended up screwing them over. Elliott is a stud. Hands down a top player in fantasy football. Allen and Jeffery both look ready to explode this year - can they each avoid the injury bug that always seems to show up? Not to mention, the roster also has a spot for the best tight end in the league - Delanie Walker. Holster features a trio of running backs that looked ready to continue the dominance they displayed in week one. Cook, Ekeler, and Mack will need to carry Holster to the winner's circle - and I think they will.
Prediction: Ankle Holster wins
Mystery Guest: Ankle Holster wins
The lineup for Wrinkle is deep and consistent and loaded with top tiers. From top to bottom there is little to pick apart in the line-up, other than the fact that Breida is subpar - but with Coleman's injury he could see 15+ touches. This is not a good week to be The Back Hatch, is it ever? Bell and Fournette are going to need to be the bell cows (which they should) and Diggs, Williams, Hooper, and Jones Jr. are going to need to lead their team in targets. All of that needs to happen for The Back Hatch to even have a chance to compete. All of that could happen, it really could - but I just don't see it. Call me what you want, but I love the Pen15 Wrinkle.
Prediction: Pen15 Wrinkle wins
Mystery Guest: Pen15 Wrinkle wins
Well, well, well.... it is week two and we have our defending champion facing off against our newbie. Boy, wouldn't it be nice if Biggus was able to bounce back from that horrendous showing in week one and beat the defending champ? The stars are aligning, as long as the Pats do to the Dolphins what the Ravens were able to do - which is completely dominate them. Mayfield should have a much better week two and I wouldn't bank on the Steelers' struggles to continue. On the flip side, the issue with PBIMB is that Hill is injured and there is not a lot to pull from on the bench. He can move Hilton up but that still leaves an opening in the FLEX. The waiver wire had better be nice to PBIMB - because they are in need of a pick-up to fill that opening.
Prediction: Biggus Dickus wins
Mystery Guest: Biggues Dickus wins
Can Jackson really keep it up? Yes, but in nowhere near the same capacity. Will the Browns (Chubb and Beckham) be able to get it together in week 2? More than likely. Will Adams return back to form as a top five receiver? Hard yes. Can Murray be trusted against a tough Baltimore secondary? No. Is Kenyan Drake ever going to get it figured out? Hard no. These answers should tell you exactly where I am leaning....
Prediction: Hoosier Daddy wins
Mystery Guest: Hoosier Daddy wins
Those are my picks and I am sticking to them. Good luck to all - honestly, I don't even know why I try a nice little ending. Don't you all know by now that I want nothing more than for all your teams to absolutely suck and mine to win? Well, if you didn't know - now you do. Screw all you and may my team dominate!
Bless
QB - Drew Brees/Tom Brady
Name a better backup quarterback than Brady? Go ahead, I'll wait. Brees looked so-so in week one and Brady looked stellar. This will be a tough decision week-in and week-out, especially with the addition of AB to the Patriots. Sadly, all I can think about when I see Tom Brady is either him kissing his son for faaaaarrrrr too long or this "The League" clip...
RB - Run CMC, D. Freeman, J. Howard, J. Richard, M. Brown
Honestly, after Run CMC this group is subpar - at best. Luckily for FSSV, Run CMC is there and he will completely dominate opponents and winning matchups week-in and week-out. Freeman had a very unforgettable performance in week one, and it is going to take a much different Hotlanta offense for Freeman to produce. Howard should begin to take more and more snaps and if he continues to play well - look for Howard to move up from the Flex position to the RB2 slot.
WR - DJ Moore, S. Watkins, M. Valdes-Scantling, D. Moncrief, M. Sanu
Seriously, this is a sad group of wide receivers. Are we really to believe that Watkins is going to be able to get the job done, even with the injury to Hill. One has to believe that Kelce and Williams will see a huge boost in performance - but I am still not on board with consistent play from Sammy Watkins. After that, you have a slew of 3rd options wide receivers - not a good look for the future.
TE - Z. Ertz/J. Witten
Ertz is a fantastic tight end, who will actually see just as many targets as most wide receivers. The biggest issue is injuries. Ertz has only ever started in all 16 games once in his outstanding 6 year career. How to back-up an injury prone player? By rostering a player fresh out of retirement. Although, Witten looked good in week one (the entire Dallas offense looked good) - so the decision to back-up an injury prone player is to use a formerly retired play, interesting.... very interesting.
DEF/K - Patriots/Crosby
Well, the Patriots play Miami, NYJ, and Buffalo twice a year. Many owners will be looking to try and pick a defense that plays those teams in any given week and it is already locked up - not a bad play. Kickers - eff 'em. However, eleven kickers all managed to score double digits and Crosby managed four. Not to mention, that Green Bay will be playing outdoors 75-85 percent of the time - which only makes things tougher for Crosby.
As per usual, our Team of the Week finds themselves in the...
Matchup of the Week
Florida State Seminal Vesicle* (1-0) v Aaron Rodgers Blows Llamas (1-0)
QB - Brees v Watson
Both of these quarterbacks found themselves in a battle in week one - with Brees winning the game, but Watson winning the fantasy battle. This week, they both face tough defenses - LAR and Jax (respectively). It is extremely tough to go away from Brees and Watson looked so good in week one - honestly, the QB battle could go either way.
RB - Run CMC/Freeman v Conner/Ingram
Let's be honest, McCaffrey is an absolute stud and he will see 20+ touches every single week. This week he has a comfy matchup against a Buccs defense that was just torched by San Fran. I would be lying if I said I wasn't rooting CMC - he is white and he isn't Tom Brady. Conner will bounce back from a rough start to the season and Ingram looked like a stud against Miami's junior varsity defense. This still has to go in favor of CMC/Freeman - only because CMC could outscore the other three RB's by himself.
WR - Moore/Watkins v Evans/Golladay
Watkins should be in line for a bigger target share (Hill injury), but don't expect another outbreak of record breaking proportions. Evans looked normalized, but don't expect that to continue. Tampa Bay looks awful and they will need to throw the ball (a lot) to keep up with teams. Golladay definitely looks like a player will see his fair share of targets. Which brings us to DJ Moore - do we really trust a young wide receiver on a team who loves to run and check down? Let's all say it: No we don't. Sorry, but the edge has to go to Llamas with the consistency to be expected and not the boom or bust play.
TE - Ertz v Burton
Well, one tight end is a top tier and the other scored.... well, he didn't even play in week one. In fact, Burton comes into week two with a questionable status - who is the backup? Not only are we asking that, so is Llamas. With no backup TE on the roster (at the time of writing), there will be a big question mark in this matchup. One that needs to be filled if Llamas wants to be competitive in this matchup.
FLEX - Howard v Guice
This looks lopsided on paper and in the projections - but is really that lopsided? Guice is still in the flex, and he will be replaced with either Bernard or Gallup. Bernard could be in line to have a good game, especially with the Mixon injury in week one and Gallup played amazing in week one, catching all seven targets for over 150 yards. My guess? Gallup gets the call and actually gives Llamas the edge in this matchup.
K/DEF - Patriots/Crosby v Bears/Lutz
This is actually a battle - one that does deserve a little bit of discussion. The Patriots defense has a very nice matchup against the Miami Dolphins - a team that was just demolished and also happened to allow Baltimore score in the top five last week. However, the Bears are a terrific defense that held Aaron Rodgers to only 10 points in the season opener and this week they face-off against Flacco - talk about a downgrade. Lutz v Crosby is a no-brainer and the edge for both of these positions has to go in favor of Llamas.
The real issue in this matchup is what is going to happen at TE - can Llamas find someone worthy to take the spot of Burton if it is looking like he isn't going to play?
Prediction: Aaron Rodgers blows Llamas, by a coin flip
Mystery Guest: Florida State Seminal Vesicles wins
Wings of Dickarus (1-0) v The J-Bones (0-1)
Prediction: Wings of Dickarus wins
Mystery Guest: Wings of Dickarus wins
Massive TD's (1-0) v ...And Your Johnson (0-1)
You know what is scary? Mahomes/Kelce on the same roster. You know what is even scarier? Mahomes/Kelce on the same roster with Tyreek Hill injured. This Mahomes/Kelce combo could completely dominate an Oakland defense. Fitzgerald showed that he definitely still has something in the tank and with Antonio Brown now entered into the lineup - this is a deep team of pass catchers. On the other side, week one standout Marquise Brown now finds his way into a lineup that also features Hopkins. These two combined for over 60 points in week one, if they can do it again TD's will tough to beat, but will they be able to do it again? Probably not, Massive TD's will be relying on Williams and Jones to step-up and put up some points, in bunches. Personally, I just think the pas catchers for ....And Your Johnson are just too much to overcome!
Prediction: ....And Your Johnson wins
Mystery Guest: ....And Your Johnson wins
Bluffton Backup Backups (0-1) v Ankle Holster (0-1)
The good news? Someone is going to get their first win! BBB looked they were ready to lock up a win and shove it all of our faces that a tech nerd who knows nothing about football was able to win in their first week - yet the matchup in week one ended up screwing them over. Elliott is a stud. Hands down a top player in fantasy football. Allen and Jeffery both look ready to explode this year - can they each avoid the injury bug that always seems to show up? Not to mention, the roster also has a spot for the best tight end in the league - Delanie Walker. Holster features a trio of running backs that looked ready to continue the dominance they displayed in week one. Cook, Ekeler, and Mack will need to carry Holster to the winner's circle - and I think they will.
Prediction: Ankle Holster wins
Mystery Guest: Ankle Holster wins
The Back Hatch (0-1) v Pen15 Wrinkle (1-0)
The lineup for Wrinkle is deep and consistent and loaded with top tiers. From top to bottom there is little to pick apart in the line-up, other than the fact that Breida is subpar - but with Coleman's injury he could see 15+ touches. This is not a good week to be The Back Hatch, is it ever? Bell and Fournette are going to need to be the bell cows (which they should) and Diggs, Williams, Hooper, and Jones Jr. are going to need to lead their team in targets. All of that needs to happen for The Back Hatch to even have a chance to compete. All of that could happen, it really could - but I just don't see it. Call me what you want, but I love the Pen15 Wrinkle.
Prediction: Pen15 Wrinkle wins
Mystery Guest: Pen15 Wrinkle wins
Biggus Dickus (0-1) v Pretty Boy is my B*tch (1-0)
Well, well, well.... it is week two and we have our defending champion facing off against our newbie. Boy, wouldn't it be nice if Biggus was able to bounce back from that horrendous showing in week one and beat the defending champ? The stars are aligning, as long as the Pats do to the Dolphins what the Ravens were able to do - which is completely dominate them. Mayfield should have a much better week two and I wouldn't bank on the Steelers' struggles to continue. On the flip side, the issue with PBIMB is that Hill is injured and there is not a lot to pull from on the bench. He can move Hilton up but that still leaves an opening in the FLEX. The waiver wire had better be nice to PBIMB - because they are in need of a pick-up to fill that opening.
Prediction: Biggus Dickus wins
Mystery Guest: Biggues Dickus wins
Hernandez Hit Men (1-0) v Hoosier Daddy (0-1)
Can Jackson really keep it up? Yes, but in nowhere near the same capacity. Will the Browns (Chubb and Beckham) be able to get it together in week 2? More than likely. Will Adams return back to form as a top five receiver? Hard yes. Can Murray be trusted against a tough Baltimore secondary? No. Is Kenyan Drake ever going to get it figured out? Hard no. These answers should tell you exactly where I am leaning....
Prediction: Hoosier Daddy wins
Mystery Guest: Hoosier Daddy wins
Those are my picks and I am sticking to them. Good luck to all - honestly, I don't even know why I try a nice little ending. Don't you all know by now that I want nothing more than for all your teams to absolutely suck and mine to win? Well, if you didn't know - now you do. Screw all you and may my team dominate!
Bless
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