What is the best thing about Switzerland?
- No clue, but the flag is a big plus!
Why actors tell each other to "break a leg?"
- Because every play has a cast!
Did you hear about the new restaurant called karma?
- No menu, you just get what you deserve!
What do you get when you buy the NFL ticket, but go to the lakes on the weekend?
- A basement full of guys watching your tv on Sunday afternoon
Did you enjoy those jokes? Surely, you did. I am not sure how you couldn't - especially that last one - amirite? amirite? But seriously, the Abbett basement has been offered to us if we would like to watch all the games (he has the NFL ticket, if you didn't catch onto that from the joke). If anyone would like to go over and watch - I will go over as well, if not - no biggie. I mean I guess since he did win the belt in week 1 - he do whatever the f*ck he wants to do. Hell, he might even be on the tail end of two-day bender as you read this right now! Celebrating that big victory, scoring all them points! What does he get for his reward? A nice Penis FlyTrap just waiting to clamp....
Matchup of the Week
The J-Bones* (1-0) v Penis FlyTrap (1-0)
Well, well, well it looks like the belt winner now has to face a team that consistently finds themselves near the top of the standings year-in and year-out. As good as PFT (and former teams) have been, they have yet to win the big game - is this their year? As of right now, PFT is in desperate need of a 2nd RB and the rumor mill states that he is willing to throw in Andrews (an elite TE pass catcher) to make it happen. However, as it stands - the matchups look very close....
QB: D. Jones/D. Prescott
It is a battle of the D's - and we are going to finder out which one is longer better. Don't sleep on Daniel Jones as he was able to move the ball against a very tough Pitt defense. He has plenty of weapons to use and they should be in position to have to throw the ball a lot. However, Prescott has a beautiful matchup against Atlanta. This game could be the shootout of the week as Dallas lost their top LB and Atlanta hates to play defense. Advantage Dak (and the light-skin D of his)
RB: CEH/Murray v Jacobs/Jones
There is a clearcut winner when it comes down to the RB departments battling it out. CEH/Jacobs/Jones all are a toss-up, but PFT falls behind when they are forced to Murray as their 2nd RB. Jones and Jacobs have running back friendly matchups could be called upon often. Big Advantage Jacobs/Jones
WR: Cooper/Chark v JuJu/Hilton
This is a close matchup, but the edge has to go to Cooper/Chark. JuJu is loving having Big Ben back at the helm, but if it wasn't for a couple touchdowns last week JuJu would have mediocre - finishing with 6 catches and 69 yards. Hilton is going to be constantly doubled-teamed - but he always has the chance to bust one wide open as Rivers will be constantly looking his way. Cooper is the clearcut number one receiver for Dallas and since joining the Cowboy he has consistently been in the top 10 every week. Chark is the number one receiver on a team that should be trailing in the 2nd half often. Advantage Cooper/Chark
TE: Andrews v Higbee
This one is not close. Andrews is essentially Baltimore's number one receiver - which places him in the elite of TE's. Higbee is 4th or 5th option and not even the only TE that LAR plays. Major advantage Andrews (if he isn't traded before the start of the week.
FLEX: Lockett v Anderson
On paper this one has a clear advantage for Lockett - but not so fast. Anderson has emerged as Carolina's number one receiver and always a deep threat. Lockett should have the better week (and is far more consistent), but Anderson makes this matchup closer than it may look on paper. Advantage Lockett
DEF/K: Titans/Koo v Ravens/Gould
In week one a team played a defense against their own wide receiver - that defense scored -9, but the wide receiver had a big game. I don't see that happening with Titans and Chark, but the Titans should have their way with the Jags o-line. Ravens matchup with Houston, who has had 10 days to prepare for this week. Houston has a good offense with plenty of options - but Ravens defense also shut down a Cleveland offense that had plenty of options. I guess we will see if the Ravens defense can shut down Watson and make him look as bad as they made Baker look (and Baker looked awful). Advantage Titans/Koo
This week's MotW is gonna be a good one, we will see how The J-Bones plays after ejaculating their load all over week 1. Did they shoot their shot too early, or are they a two-pump kind of team?
Prediction: Penis FlyTrap wins
Mystery Guest: The J-Bones wins
Asymmetric TD's (1-0) v Solo Driving Asians (0-1)
As it stands, this matchup looks to be a little one-sided on paper... and don't expect anything less. Mahomes does have a tough matchup against the LAC defense - they love to get after the quarterback, but I would never worry about the ketchup loving light-skin brotha. Gurley looked to be the feature back for ATL and he goes against a Dallas defense that lost Pro-Bowl LB Vander Esch. The big question for the Asians is whether or not the defense can improve from the -9 points in the first week. More then likely they have ran the numbers and think the improvement should happen - Asians are never wrong when running the numbers.... but be weary of their driving (and activities while driving). Even with a decent output from the defense it shouldn't be enough to stop the titties....
Prediction: Asymmetric TD's wins
Mystery Guest: Asymmetric TD's wins
Remember the Redskins (1-0) v Aaron Rodgers Blows Llams (1-0)
This is the only other matchup featuring two teams that grabbed a win in the first week. One team got much stronger due to injury - ARBL welcomes Taylor to the starting lineup thanks the Marlon Mack injury that will sideline him for the remaining season. However, last week Hines looked to be the back that will benefit the most and he will serve as Rivers check down receiver. The three-headed monster (CMC/Wilson/Ridley) will look to continue their big performances and they will need to if they want to keep up with ARBL. There is just too much firepower in the llama blowing lineup and too many good matchups; ARBL should make a serious run at the belt this week.
Prediction: Aaron Rodgers Blows Llams wins.... and grabs the belt!
Mystery Guest: Remember the Redskins wins
Bluffton Backup Backups (0-1) v Ankle Holster (0-1)
As it stands - the projections favor the 19-incher, but there is plenty of roster shifting that can be done by BBB. Sanders will clearly be taken out of the lineup and more than likely replaced with Hines, but BBB could also move up RoJo from the flex and open a flex position to be filled by almost anyone on the bench except his two quarterbacks - still can not figure out why BBB is carrying 3 different quarterbacks.... maybe he knows something we don't? On the flip side, the Holster looks strong with 3... yes, I said 3 starting workhorse running backs. Some teams are struggling to find 2 starting RBs and this team has 3! However, Barkley has an awful offensive line and now has to face Khalil Mack and the boys. Ankle Holster will also be relying on the Eagles to feed JoeDirt (Goedert) rather than the top tier TE (Ertz). Look for the running backs of Ankle Holster to step-up in a big way and secure this win....
Prediction: Ankle Holster wins
Mystery Guest: Ankle Holster wins... and takes down the Belt!
2 Gurleys 1 Cupp (0-1) v PEN15 Wrinkle (1-0)
You really hate to see it - a team riddled with injuries after week 1. Some might say it is karma from an attempt at a bad trade last season; Some might say it is just a sign that The Swindler needs to return. Either way you want to take it, 2G1C has been hit with the injury bug. Bell has been placed on the IR; Thomas is now doubtful for week 2; Lindsay is questionable for Denver who already seemed happy with Gordon. Not too mention they are facing a team that features arguably the best WR tandem in the league and a workhorse running back. But hey, maybe the BLM will strike down Brees again (video audio NSFW, but then again - neither is this blog)...
Then again, maybe not.....
Prediction: PEN15 Wrinkle wins
Mystery Guest: 2 Gurleys 1 Cup wins
iTouchdown There (0-1) v Dixie Normus (0-1)
What a heartbreaking loss in week 1 for iTouchdown - lost by .7 points and had two MNF fumbles. Murray and Hopkins look like a killer stack play - but outside of that, this team is going to struggle to find points. Crowder exploded last week, but you can not count on that - especially in that Jets offense. If I were iTouchdown I would be looking to make a move or two in the upcoming weeks. On the flip side, Dixie actually has a strong lineup (as oppose to last year's squad that miraculously won it all). If it wasn't for facing the belt winner in Week 1, Dixie would have beaten 8 other teams - no worries, Dixie should win this week as Elliott welcomes an atrocious ATL defense and Rodgers looks to continue his hot start.
Prediction: Dixie Normus wins
Mystery Guest: iTouchdown There wins
Hernandez Hit Men (1-0) v 3rd and 41 (0-1)
HHM was projected to be the strongest team - but it looks like it might find itself in the middle of the pack after week 1's scoring. Henry looked very inefficient - but he will still get plenty of opportunity. Conner is now dealing with an ankle sprain and Snell looked very good as his backup. It is going to take a big showing from Henry/Newton/Kittle to keep this team undefeated. For "3rd and 41" Allen has a terrific matchup against a Miami defense that allowed multiple rushing touchdowns to Newton in week 1. Ekeler is going to miss having Rivers as his quarterback, but Mixon and Hill should be able to help out Allen with the scoring.
Prediction: 3rd and 41 wins
Mystery Guest: Hernandez Hit Men wins
Enjoy the week and good luck to everyone (except The J-Bones, may the entire roster burn in a fiery helicopter crash eerily similar to the one that took down Kobe)!
Mwah
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