Week 4 Predictions

As you read this, I would like for all of you to do your best Handy Rubbins (Randy Hudgins) impersonation. Mine consists of me putting my head in my hands and shaking back and forth - as if he had no idea how to respond. This is also the look I had on my face when I read the ESPN article stating that the Tennessee Titan shut down practice facilities due to Covid. Those that were present at the draft had a discussion about what to do if the season was shut down and I sent out an email with the decision that I made....

Should we make past week 8 and not get fantasy football playoffs - the 1st and 2nd team will be paid.

However, if we don't make it to week 8 - the league fees are paid back. 

I have a few ideas for the NFL to take care of this COVID issue....

A) Any team that is forced to miss a game forfeits and the team that they play wins. 

B) Any team that is forced to miss a game sends their strongest player to a battle field and they must fight their respective weekly opponent's strongest 2 players. 

C) Any team that is forced to miss a game gets sent to an island and is forced into a sped up version of Survivor.

D) Kill them

Just a few options I decided to place into an email that I sent to Goodell. Hopefully, he likes the options - I am partial to option "B." I would love to see Derrick Henry deck out in armor and attempting to battle with TJ Watt and Bud Dupree. One thing I can guarantee, the ratings would skyrocket - but we have more pressing matters than creating our own dream Gladiator world. Let's get to the matchups....

Matchup of the Week

Asymmetric TDs (3-0) v Hernandez Hit Men (2-1)

**Disclaimer, this matchup was picked as the MotW prior to the announcement of Tennessee and Minnesota shutting down facilities**

Based upon the top disclaimer, HHM is in a tricky situation if both of those teams do not play this week - or miss any extended time. That would greatly shift the outcome of this matchup, let's examine the matchups anyways....

QB: Patrick Mahomes v Cam Newton

If you want to catch this matchup and its entirety, just watch the game - these two will be facing off! Everyone knows what Mahomes can do - slang that rock! Everyone knows what Newton can - tote the rock! This will be a fantastic matchup, but the edge goes to Mahomes and that KC offense - especially after the onslaught they put on Baltimore last week.

RB: Alvin Kamara/Todd Gurley v Derrick Henry/James Connor

Wouldn't it be funny if the Tennessee v Pittsburgh game was pushed back and was not played during this week's time frame. That would mean that both RB's for HHM would not score any points - we need to be aware that this is a possibility. The other side of this, the NFL may push the game back to Monday - which would also mean that this matchup will not be decided until after that point. Either way Kamara is the best player in football right now (not named Wilson or Mahomes) and he should have another big week against a softer Detroit defense. Advantage Kamara/Gurley

WR: Cooper Kupp/Jarvis Landry v AJ Green/Marquise Brown

Kupp and Landry are the better of the tandems, but Brown could have a boom week and make up for it. If I was a betting man (yes, I know) I would bet on Kupp/Landry. They both have comfy matchups, Giants and Cowboys respectively, and they both should see plenty of targets this week. 

TE: Jared Cook v Noah Fant

Cook plays in one of the best offenses (New Orleans) and Fant is currently having some dude named Rupien (sp?) throw him the ball on a short week. This is not a good scenario - however, I do like Fant in this matchup. Fant is going to be a safety valve for the new quarterback, who will be looking for big easy targets and Fant could get a lot of work across the middle of the field.

FLEX: Julian Edelman v George Kittle

Interesting, we have HHM rocking a 2 TE starting lineup. Kittle is a very good football player - like very, very good. The only problem is the fact that the 49ers have been decimated with injuries. Either way I still prefer Edelman over Kittle - even if the 49ers were healthy. The Cam Newton experiment is working very well and the Patriots are moving the ball up and down the field. Edelman is strong candidate to lead the team in targets and Newton trusts his hands. Advantage Edelman

DEF/K: Colts/Zane Gonzalez v Patriots/Greg Zuerlein

Colts are the number one defense in fantasy football and the Patriots have to contend with KC Chiefs offense - not a good recipe. Kickers are pretty much a push, so the slight edge should go to the defense that is argument for the tops in the league. Advantage Colts/Gonzalez

***Keep in mind, this is all written prior to any decision made for the COVID situation - but it would be hilarious if Henry and Connor don't play and Hernandez Hit Men find themselves in the record books for having the worst score!

Prediction: Asymmetric TDs wins

Mystery Guest: Asymmetric TDs wins 

Remember the Redskins (3-0) v Penis Fly Trap (2-1)

We have another fairly important matchup - this was option "B" for MotW. RtR is 3-0 and riding high after the three touchdown outburst from Burkhead - who would have guessed? This week the law of averages begin to hit and Burkhead comes back down to earth. This matchup also feature the deadly triumvirate from the scorching hot Seattle Seahawks Air Raid - Wilson, Lockett, and Metcalf. It will be interesting to see which one of those three has a big day. This is really going to come down to whether or not the roles players for each team can show up. Not to mention - there may need to be a defense switch for PFT - Tennessee is looking like they are going to struggle in the upcoming weeks.

Prediction: Penis Fly Trap wins

Mystery Guest: Remember the Redskins wins

PEN15 Wrinkle (1-2) v The J-Bones** (3-0)

I am not sure I have seen a bigger mismatch on the ESPN projections in the history of this league. Given, Wrinkle does not have a TE in the lineup and that will help the projections - but there isn't much Wrinkle can do at this point. Julio Jones and Raheem Mostert are both questionable heading into the this and Deebo Samuel is still on the IR - this is a team that is going to struggle until their stars return. Either way, I am not sure a fully healthy Wrinkle roster can compete with The J-Bones. Currently, The J-Bones have 7 players in their starting lineup that have a top-10 position ranking. The only player that does not... TY Hilton - everybody loves a homer pick!

Prediction: The J-Bones wins

Mystery Guest: The J-Bones wins.... and takes belt back!

Aaron Rodgers Blows Llams (2-1) v Dixie Normous (0-3)

Is this the week that Dixie gets their first win? Is this the week that Dixie turns things around and begins to make the run to the playoffs and f*ck everybody over? Is this the week that we see two games not being played because of COVID? If that is the case, ARBL is absolutely screwed - without Cook/Fuller/Gostkowski the odds would shift greatly in Dixie's favor - even though they would miss Thielen/Fairbairn. But yes... this is that week for Dixie (who actually has a decent team this year, he just has faced ridiculous scoring to this point)

Prediction: Dixie Normous wins

Mystery Guest: Aaron Rodgers Blows Llams wins

Ankle Holster (0-3) v 3rd and 41* (2-1)

At this point there are two options for Ankle Holster: A) Just let every team kick the sh*t out you and hope that somewhere along the line you can get a win, so you are not the only team to ever winless throughout a season. B) Make some kind of trade and hope you can something to get your team going. Up to this point, "A" has been the choice - nothing is going to change this week either...

Prediction: 3rd and 41 wins, and keeps the streak of alive of back-to-back belt winners!

Mystery Guest: Ankle Holster wins

Solo Driving Asians (0-3) v iTouchdown There (1-2)

*See "Ankle Holster v 3rd and 41" prediction and just replace the team names with "Solo Driving Asians" and "iTouchdown There" respectively

Prediction: iTouchdown There wins

Mystery Guest: iTouchdown There wins

Bluffton Backup Backups (1-2) v 2 Gurleys 1 Cupp (1-2)

This matchup is an intriguing matchup. Both teams are coming off of a loss, but 2G1C was missing Michael Thomas - he is decent at football. BBB has a very good, well rounded roster and should have many good weeks. This week is going to be one of those good weeks. Outside of Miles Sanders - most of the starting lineups have favorable matchups. Don't be surprised in BBB ends snatching that belt and forcing his tech counterpart to stare at it all week long (it will be close, but he will get edged out for the belt).

Prediction: Bluffton Backup Backups wins

Mystery Guest: 2 Gurleys 1 Cupp wins

Mwah

I wish you all good luck, except for Remember the Redskins - may your entire roster burn in a fiery helicopter crash, eerily similar to the one that took down Kobe!