Annnnnndddddd WE'RE BACK!! We have all been waiting for this moment - not only does it give us something to look forward to each week, but we also don't have to listen to Price pretend like he is some fantasy football expert. Let's just recap last season.....
- One team managed to reach double digits wins (Wings of Dickarus) in the regular season.
- Two other teams managed to have +9 or higher point differential in weekly matchups (Biggus Dickus, Massive TD's).
- The team with the 2nd most points in the league barely squeaked in the playoffs (Hoosier Daddy)
- Four other teams posted positive weekly matchup point differentials (PEN15 Wrinkle, FSSV, ARBL, Back Hatch)
- Of the eight teams that are listed, none of them won the Championship.... NONE!?!? What in the actual f*ck?!?!
You mean to tell me that the team that won had a negative weekly matchup point differential? Yup.
You mean to tell me that the team that won wasn't even in the top of points scored? Yup, not even in the top 9 teams for points scored - they finished 10th in the league.
You mean to tell me that the team that won started Mike Boone and Kaden Smith in the championship?!?
Who doesn't love fantasy football? This is the exact reason why we all keep coming back. If somebody like this R-tard can win the league; hell, we all have a chance to hoist the big trophy! Let's stop living in the past and starting looking towards the future - time for "him who shall not be named" to stop running his mouth and let's see what this hell hole of a 2020 year brings us! Without further ado, the draft order...
1. Remember the Redskins
2. Ankle Holster
3. Dixie Normus
4. Asymmetric TDs
5. Hernandez Hit Men
6. 2 Gurleys 1 Cup
7. Aaron Rodgers Blows Llams
8. Penis Fly Trap
9. The J-Bones
10. Bluffton Backup Backups
11. iTouchDown There
12. Hoosier Daddy
13. Solo Driving Asians
14. PEN15 Wrinkle
Per usual, after the draft we had the DDA (Drunk Draft Analysis). We like to rank the teams based on who we think had a good draft and who screwed the pooch. Yes, ESPN gives you rankings - but those are shit. Can you imagine having that job? It is easier than the weatherman - you don't have to be right 25% of the time. What a gig! DREAM JOB!
*Honestly, I just don't want to breakdown every pick that was made and what not - so here is the gist of the rankings and why you were placed where you are....
DDA Rankings
14. Asymmetric TDs - No issues with the top two picks (Kamara and Mahomes), however taking Gurley in the 3rd is a stretching - especially with those knees! Not too mention, Kupp or Edelman will be the 2nd reciever - one is coming off of injury and one has Cam Newton at quarterback.... yikes!
13. Backup Backups - Top two picks are Miles Sanders and Lamar Jackson, but then you have Singletary or RoJo as the number 2 running back - both could very weak in the long run. But hey, at least you will have 3 quarterbacks on the roster! (not a typo, the man drafted 3 quarterbacks - iy yi yi)
12. PEN15 Wrinkle - Let's just say that taking Drew Brees in the 5th round is a bit of a stretch.
11. Aaron Rodgers Blows Llams - Dalvin Cook should be fine, he has now reported to camp and the Vikings will be giving Cook more than 300 touches this season. But, Godwin is now on a team crowded with options and ARBL doesn't even have a starting RB for the first couple weeks.
10. Solo Driving Asians - The issue here is Watson in the 4th - after just losing one of the best wide receivers in the NFL. Also, OBJ was a subpar prima-donna last year and the Browns just added another target hungry pass-catcher.
9. Dixie Normus (Defending Champ) - With the 3rd overall pick you would expect more after Elliott - however, DJ Moore in the 3rd round? Akers and Howard as your 2nd RB - not impressed.
8. iTouchdown There - Chubb and Hopkins is a pretty killer 1st and 2nd round combo - but then taking M. Gordon (timeshare with Lindsay) and AJ Brown (run heavy offense) is not going to set yourself up for the future.
7. Hoosier Daddy - If Ekeler can keep the job and Mixon can stay healthy not a bad start. Especially grabbing T. Hill with their 3rd pick (albeit, in the 2nd round thanks to a trade). Boyd is going to be the question mark - with Burrow at quarterback, who knows???
6. 2 Gurleys 1 Cupp - Kelce was a big pick-up that late in the 2nd round. Keep in mind, you can only play 1 TE and having a Kelce is essentially having a top 15 WR. Reports out of New York are not exactly good on L. Bell - needs to have a big year or this team will struggle in the RB department.
5. The J-Bones - J. Jacobs as the 1st overall pick is questionable, but grabbing A. Jones in the 2nd round makes up for it. JuJu and TY Hilton are two boom-or-bust wide receivers, this team could lose to anybody or beat anybody any given week.
4. Penis Fly Trap - Edwards-Helaire needs to live up to the hype - because after that the next 4 picks consisted of all number 1 wideouts on their respective teams. If CEH has a big year - this will be a tough team to beat.
3. Ankle Holster - Barkley is the obvious 2nd overall pick and having C. Carson as the 2nd round pick, gives Ankle Holster one of the best RB departments in the league. It is gonna come down the WR's and if McLaurin and C. Kirk and have a breakout year for The Holster.
2. Remember the Redskins - Run CMC finds himself on the same as last year - same as last year, he will need to carry a big load. Z. Ertz and R. Wilson will lend a hand in the scoring department - the question will be if C. Ridley and DK Metcalf (both number 2 receivers on their respective teams) can step-up and take advantage of target opportunities.
1. Hernandez Hitmen - It is a good team, if you like D. Henry and J. Conner as your RB's - giving him a tope 3 RB department in the league. G. Kittle locks up the TE spot and if HHM can find some production out of C. Sutton, AJ Green, or M. Brown as WRs this will be the top team in the league.
Okay, okay - enough fluffing your feathers, lets get down to the real cock and balls - the matchups....
*Just like last year, I will be battling with a mystery guest on the predictions - I am 2-0 against him; will he make a comeback this year? DOUBT IT!!
Solo Driving Asians vs Penis Fly Trap
Week 1, what is there to really say? Asians has Watson going on Thursday and PFT has CEH - the winner of the Thursday battle may be the winner of the entire matchup. The talk after the draft was that Asians would automatically have a mathematical advantage, but PFT also has a token Asian on the roster. I would love to say this come down to the visually impair oriental people, but in all reality... it comes down to whether or not Drake and Mack can score points. PFT will have a weekly decision about which WR to sit-out, looks like this week the decision is between Golladay and Cooper - gonna be a gametime decision, one that could alter the outcome.
Prediction: Penis Fly Trap wins
Mystery Guest: Penis Fly Trap wins
Bluffton Backup Backups vs Remember the Redskins
Well, in terms of the DDA this is one of the most lopsided matchups, Backups is ranked 13th and RTR is ranked 2nd. Run CMC will need to continue to tear through opposing defenses; Ertz and Wilson will need to also be sharp - but those are good players to bet on. On the flip side, BBB has Jackson against a tough Cleveland defense - he better keep his helmet strapped on tight! Singletary/Sanders have the potential for big games - both against middle of the league defenses. Engram could have a very big year - but there is a lot of other options on that team. Nonetheless, it ain't no fun if there isn't an upset - find those smooth stones David because I am predicting you to slay a giant!!
Prediction: Bluffton Backup Backups wins
Mystery Guest: Remember the Redskins wins
Asymmetric TDs vs 2 Gurleys 1 Kupp
Asymmetric TDs was ranked dead last in the DDA - and yet, here they are projected to score the highest in week one. Mahomes will need to get things started on Thursday with Mahomes and then hope that Gurley and Kupp can bounce back from injury issues. On the flip side, 1 Kupp has a team that would be really good 2 years ago - can these guys rekindle the fire? It will be interesting to see which Saints player is fed the ball more Kamara or Thomas? The answer to that question will likely highly influence the outcome of this matchup.
Prediction: Asymmetric TDs wins
Mystery Guest: Asymmetric TDs wins
Aaron Rodgers Blows Llams vs iTouchdown There
Well, well, well... looks like it could be a rude welcoming for the rookie of the league. ARBL has a roster loaded with favorable matchups; Wentz against Washington, Cook against anybody, Godwin against New Orleans, Fuller V against KC (potential for highest scoring game this week), Bills DEF against a questionable Jets offense. On the flip side, there is plenty of potential but it comes with a caveat - Murray/Hopkins against a stout San Fran defense, Chubb against a tough Baltimore defense, Gordon against a tough Tennessee defense, Gesicki/Parker against last year's number one defense. So essentially one team has many favorable matchups and one team has many unfavorable matchups - welcome to the league biiiiiiiiitch....
Prediction: Aaron Rodgers Blow Llams wins.... and takes the belt this week!
Mystery Guest: iTouchdown There wins
The J-Bones vs Dixie Normus
The defending champion starts off the 2020 campaign against one of the last year's cellar dwellers, but this year is a different year. Let's hope that Dixie doesn't continue the trend of skimming by each week facing the weekly lowest scoring roster - at least for The J-Bones sake. This interesting matchup features quarterbacks and running backs of the same team on separate rosters (Prescott/Jones vs Rodgers/Elliott). This is a close matchup, but just because I don't know how to say Dixie's kicker name - eff it....
Prediction: The J-Bones wins
Mystery Guest: The J-Bones wins
PEN15 Wrinkle vs Hoosier Daddy
What do you get when you decide to draft Drew Brees in the 5th round? A sh*tty team.
What happens when a sh*tty team plays a team that should blow them out of the water? An upset.
Prediction: PEN15 Wrinkle wins
Mystery Guest: Hoosier Daddy wins
The MotW features the number 1 and number 3 team in the DDA. Let's break it down....
QB: Brady vs Newton
This is an interesting battle as we have Brady vs Brady's Replacement. Brady is older and more fragile - but the dude has weapons to use. The only real question is whether or not Brady will be able to have time to get the ball downfield - or which weapon (Evans, Godwin, Howard, RoJo, Gronk) he will favor. The edge goes to Brady, but it is closer than you would think.
RB: Barkley/Carson vs Henry/Conner
This is where the matchup gets really spicy. Arguably the two best RB duos in the fantasy league facing off in week one. Which department will stake claim to the top spot? Barkley is clearly the best of the four - but Pitt's defense is also tough sledding. Henry is going to carry the ball 20-25 times a game, which gives him plenty of opportunity to get to the 2nd level and introduce the secondary to bessy (his truck stick of a cock). Conner was electric when he has Big Ben as his quarterback, fresh season equals fresh Big Ben. Carson has the best matchup of the four RB's - going against a weak ATL defense. Honestly, flip a coin or pin the vag.... who knows with this matchup?
WR: McLaurin/Kirk vs Sutton/Green
Honestly, McLaurin is the only wide receiver I like in this group. Kirk should find plenty of snaps - but he may fall behind in targets with the new addition of Hopkins. Sutton has Drew Effin (his actual middle name) Lock throwing him the ball - what a joke. Green is probably going to play for a quarter and half and then have hamstring issues. Advantage goes to McLaurin/Kirk
TE: Gronkowski vs Kittle
Gronkowski is quite possibly the biggest mystery in all of the 2020 fantasy football season. At one time he was arguably a possibility at the number one overall pick. At one time he was hoisting the WWE 24/7 belt. Who knows if he is even the best TE on his own team this year?? What I do know.... Kittle is good and may push Kelce for the best TE in the NFL. Advantage goes to Kittle
FLEX: Johnson vs Brown
If David Johnson is anything close to what he once was two years ago, Ankle Holster is the team to beat - but that is a biiiigggg "if." Brown isn't exactly a sure bet either, scoring in the double digits 6 times last year and scoring less than 5 points just as many times. If I were to pick a flex for my team, I would prefer to have David Johnson - but Brown is the definition of a boom-or-bust player and could catch a 70-yard bomb in the blink of an eye. Advantage Johnson
DEF/K: Cowboys/Crosby vs Patriots/Zuerlein
Normally I just skip past this section - but let's be real, the Patriots defense would have finished as nearly a top 10 RB last season. Plus they get the benefit of playing Miami in week one...... but wait, did Miami just announce their starter??? Is it? No, it couldn't be? Is it really him....
Yeah, I am not picking against FitzMagic. Advantage Cowboys/Crosby
Prediction: Ankle Holster takes down the top team in the DDA
Mystery Guest: Ankle Holser wins.... and straps on the belt!
This is the part where I would say "Good Luck" - but I doubt any of you actually read the entire blog post anyways.... sooooo GO F*CK YOURSELVES!
Mwah
Commish
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