We will start the countdown and scenarios at 4 weeks to go - but for now let me regal you with a little story about a skinny white boy, who worked for the local airport security, and his love life. His ex-girlfriend Marnie was a total b*tch and at best a 3 (with the lights off) - but for whatever reason our hero Kirk tried to get back with her. As fate would have it, a bonafide 10 walks through the airport and leaves her phone - here enters our hero. He picks up and arranges to meet with Molly (banging hottie) to return, sometime later she actually asks him out. Wait whhhhaaat??? I sh*t you not. This bozo is about to reach the promise land of a legitimate 10 - pretty sure he might prematurely handle his business or some sort. He begins to doubt his chances with her and then things fall apart. But wait????? There is more!
He goes back after the girl and they make beautiful love - none that gets witnesses.... but I am sure you could do a quick Google search and find your own final scene if you really wanted. Nonetheless, this little fable is told to remind you good looking fantasy football teams that eventually you are going to end up with the skinny, nerdy, airport security guy and eventually they are gonna f*ck you.
Be careful up there on your high throne - you all gotta come down to the mud with losers at some point.
Matchup of the Week
Gluten Douches (1-8) v Ankle Holster (4-5)
"Sensei vs Mystery Guest"
QB: T. Lawrence v J. Love
Edge: T. Lawrence
Reasoning: Peyton Manny Jr. is going to obliterate J. Love. The Packers offense has been abysmal and Love may be the reason for those struggles. It also doesn't help that Love has to play against Pittsburgh defense - who gets 10 days of rest and preparation this week.
RB: Bijan/Ekeler v Hall/Cook
Edge: Bijan/Ekeler
Reasoning: Let's be honest, Bijan and the Atlanta offense has been a complete let down as of late. I hear reports all the time about how good he is and that they want to protect him - but you have to give him the ball for him to show how good he is!!! As lackluster as Bijan has been (which he is still ranked 13th), Ekeler can be just as good! Detroit has a good defense.... passing defense - they are not known for shutting down the running backs. Look for Ekeler to have a big game this week.
WR: Adams/Thomas v Diggs/Doubs
Edge: Diggs/Doubs
Reasoning: If this matchup were three years ago - easily the edge goes to Adams and Thomas. Unfortunately, it isn't and Diggs is the clear runaway favorite in this matchup. Thomas is pretty touchdown dependent in an offense that looks pretty focused on getting Kamara the ball. Adams is lost in a horrible Las Vegas offense. On the flip side, Diggs is Allen's butt buddy and Doubs plays for team that is losing most games and will need to throw the ball to keep up.
TE: Engram v African Name
Edge: Engram
Reasoning: I don't want to write that other guy's name.
FLEX: Boyd v Jacobs
Edge: Jacobs
Reasoning: As bad as Las Vegas' offense is, Josh Jacobs is the only thing that keeps them in the games. They need him to touch the ball 15-20 times a game and that kind of opportunity is too valuable. Unless Boyd scores - this is Jacobs matchup.
DEF/K: Raiders/Folk v Colts/Dicker
Edge: Dicker/Colts
Reasoning: The Raiders have the best matchup for a defense - but saying Dicker the Kicker is too fun!
Prediction: Gluten Douches
Mystery Guest: Ankle Holster
Njigbas in Paris** (6-3) v Hoosier Daddy (4-5)
Don't get me wrong this matchup is still slanted towards Njigbas - but just imagine what it would look like if they weren't missing the Tua/Hill stack and Dallas Goedert is also on a bye. Nonetheless, Allen and St. Brown are no slouches at WR and Stroud has been playing like a top 10 QB. On the flip side, Hoosier Daddy is going with a two TE lineup: LaPorta and Hill. LaPorta is a top 5 TE - and he is apart of a Detroit offense that looks really good (feels weird typing that sentence). Hill is a gadget player - but he has been apart a touchdown play the last three weeks (throwing/rushing). I don't think it will be enough to close the gap with Njigbas - but I am interested to see if he can score again this week.
Prediction: Njigbas in Paris
Mystery Guest: Njigbas in Paris
No Time for Love (5-4) v East/West TD's** (6-3)
Titties welcome back CMC and Etienne to the lineup. This is a huge benefit to the team - they are the 1st and 3rd ranked running backs in the league. The bigger issue is: Who do you start at QB if you are the Titties? Minshew v New England or Young v Chicago. I know which way I would be leaning - but it is probably a coin flip either way. On the flip side, Allen and Kamara are going to try and carry the squad to the victory. It is going to take at least one touchdown toss to Gabe Davis to keep this close - it could happen... but smart money is on the Titties for the win.
Prediction: East/West TD's
Mystery Guest: No Time for Love
Aaron Rodgers Blows Llams* (6-3) v Insert Team Name Here (4-5)
This was a real conversation that I had this morning with a student....
Student: "Tonight's game (TNF) features the two worst teams in the NFL."
Me: "You think so?"
Student: "Yeah, most definitely. Maybe you could throw the Cardinals down there, but now K1 is going to ball out - so they are probably better."
Me: "Who is K1?"
Student: "Kyler Murray, you know K and then his number. He is most known for his ability to stay on the field."
It was at that point, that I realized he was joking about Kyler Murray and that only solidified my selection of ARBL.
Prediction: Aaron Rodgers Blows Llams
Mystery Guest: Aaron Rodgers Blows Llams
The J-Bones** (5-4) v I Miss Tom Brady (4-5)
If this were Shark Tank and these lineups were business ideas that are pitched to me, The Sharkiest of Sharks. I Miss TB12 would start off his pitch...
"Good morning Sharks, I have a terrific business proposal for all of you. I have Geno Smith and Alexander Mattison leading the way for the squad. I also ha...."
"Excuse me, did you say Geno Smith and Alexander Mattison?"
"Yes, I did"
"For that reason, I am out."
The J-Bones proposal would go like this...
"Good morning Sharks, I have a terrific business proposal for all of you. I have Just Herbert and Tony Pollard leading the way." (a quick pause expecting something to be said) "I also have McLaurin going against a weak Seattle secondary and we are welcoming back James Conner."
"I gotta be honest Mr. Boner, can I call you Mr. Boner? I don't love it - but there is something at work here. Talk to me about your defense."
"Well, I am glad you brought that up - I have the Cowboys defense going against the New York Giants."
"Say no more, for that reason - I AM IN!"
Prediction: The J-Bones
Mystery Guest: The J-Bones
Handy Rudgins (3-6) v Ertz when Eifert (5-4)
I am going to work under the assumption that both teams will adjust their lineups and make sure they are full - with that assumption I love Handy Rudgins and the opportunity to get a much needed win this week. The Bengals going against Houston - which only means big things for Burrow and Chase. Gibbs (who needs put in the lineup) gets to play a terrible Chargers run defense. Honestly, I don't even mind a nice Hubbard play against Chicago - if he pis put in the lineup in time. On the flip side, there is a lot of distrust in the players for Eifert and their matchups. Shultz played very well last week - can he do it two times in a row? Jackson has been playing top notch football - but now he has the Cleveland front four, and they have been scary. Look for Rudgins to provide a full starting lineup and get the win.
Prediction: Handy Rudgins
Mystery Guest: Handy Rudgins
I Hate Chad G (4-5) v PEN15 Wrinkle* (6-3)
There are some decisions to be made on the Team Hatred side in terms of who to play and not play. Will it matter? Probably not. Prescott and Lamb get to play the NYG - and this could be a field day. We could see 60+ points from those two alone. After that, they only need 40 more points to beat the Team Hatred average weekly score. Look for Wrinkle to lock up a big win and really shoot their chances of getting into the playoffs into the high 90's.
Prediction: PEN15 Wrinkle
Mystery Guest: PEN15 Wrinkle
As always... good luck to everyone... except for you, Ankle Holster, may your entire roster turn into a body double and forget how to play football - eerily similar to the fate of Demar Hamlin.
With Love
Commish
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