The year was 1995 and I was 8 years old. We had gone to a family reunion, and it was one of those retirements that you see a bunch of people that you have no clue is a part of your family. I am pretty sure I could have stood directly behind these people in a nice malt shop and not recognized them. Naturally, all the kids got together and started playing some form of "Hide and Seek Tag." Well, you can beat your sweet ass that I had it decided that I was not going to get caught. Sooooooo - I attempted to shimmy my way up a chimney chute on the outside of the pavilion. It was a great idea, until I end up with my head stuck in between 2 bricks and I end up officially stuck with my head in a chimney.
You are probably thinking - "Stuck, riiiiight"
Nope, I am talking legitimately stuck. Not like, I trip and she fell and we got stuck. I mean like, my dad took 20 minutes of twisting and pulling and ripping the skin off of the backs of my ears pulling my head back through the bricks. Finally got out, but nothing super admirable about getting your head stuck in a chimney.
Ohhhh trust me, this is not the only place that I wound up stuck and no idea what I was going to do....
At one point in time in my life, I played the "Bear Game." Essentially, you find a cave and you enter the cave, you find the bear and you wake the bear - move fast enough to get out of the cave. Sounds fun right? Wellllll, the cave is someone's house and the bear is the owner of the house. Still sound fun? Yup, been there and done that - we will save that for a different time and place.
Teams that are stuck somewhere they don't know how they got there....
A) ARBL (2-4)
ARBL is on the outside looking in when it comes to the playoffs. Some people would think, duh - Lamar is hurt, Barkley has been mediocre at best and beyond those 2 this line-up is average across the board. However, this team was projected to be the number 2 team from the D.D.A and ESPN had them ranked as the 2nd best team after the draft and they have dropped 9 spots in the Power Rankings. With Jackson not playing and Barkley being a mediocre back - this team is not going to make a run. They are reaching the time to make a move or shut it down.
B) Slender TD's (2-4)
Slender is a team that is quite the conundrum of a team. They won the belt twice and then they have now lost 4 weeks. They have the number 1 ranked QB and the number 1 ranked WR. They have Breece Hall/King Henry/JK Dobbins.... how is this team 2-4? Honestly, I don't know. I really don't know what to you tell you. You just have your head stuck in a chimney and you are just waiting for your dad (or Daddy... depending on what your into) to pull you out.
C) Bootay Pirates (1-5)
I almost did not include this team on the list, because it was easy to see how they ended up 1-5... injuries. To start CeeDee Lamb has played 2 games and averaged almost 20 points per week. That is a massive amount to replace... considering 2 of the matchups without CeeDee were lost by less than 20 points and the other 2 were lost by less than 10 points. The other issue is that at some point you either try to make a move and get out of the slump... or you inevitably pull a Titanic and go down with the ship. This manager has historically gone down with the ship.
Matchup of the WeekBEKH (3-3) v ARBL (2-4)
The clock is ticking for one team and the other team is going to try and make a push for the playoffs on the back of Achane. BEKH has Achane, who happens to be on a pretty bad Miami team - but he is one of the focal points of the offense - which is good for fantasy. Also, he has leading ROTY candidate Emeka Egbuka. On the flip side, ARBL may have waited too long with the Lamar injury and has dug a hole that is requiring immediate assistance. He too, maybe pulling a Titanic and going down with the ship.
Prediction: BEKH.... RIGHT!!
Mystery Guest: BEKH... RIGHT!!
Bootay Pirates (1-5) v Nips and Salsa (6-0)
Not much to say other than the usual, but here are some movies lines involving nipples...
A) "I have nipples Greg, can you milk me?"
B) "What is it with this chick? She have beer flavored nipples?"
C) "This city needs its news - and you are going to deprive them of that because I have breasts? Exquisite breasts?"
Prediction: Nips and Salsa... RIGHT!!
Mystery Guest: Bootay Pirates... WRONG!!
Project Tush Push (3-3) v The J-Bones* (3-3)
What do you do when you have Johnathan Taylor and no one else? Well, technically speaking... J-Bones did pick up Vidal and he looks like he might be the stud in LAC. Nico Collins and Stroud were on the bye, so this team does have some pieces - when all are available. On the flip side, Skattebo has been a nice find and Jeanty is starting to find his ways - something about returning to his college stance? Tush Push is on the up-and-up and the rookie RB's are leading the way.
Prediction: Project Tush Push... RIGHT!!
Mystery Guest: Project Tush Push... RIGHT!!
Ertz/Eifert* (5-1) v AR's Finger* (2-4)
So far, each week Ertz has had some kind of explosion from someone...
Week 2: Amon-Ra.... 39 points
Week 3: David Montgomery... 30 points
Week 4: George Pickens... 33 points
Week 5: Baker Mayfield... 26 points
Week 6: Rico Dowdle 34 points, George Pickens 31 points
Oh yeah... he also won the belt this week. Talk about a big middle finger to his doubters (me)... message received - I will pick you next week.
This is how you win weekly matchups. On the flip side, from AR's manager himself, "I have the worst Fantasy Football lineup."
Prediction: Ertz/Eifert... RIGHT!!
Mystery Guest: Ertz/Eifert... RIGHT!!
1st Downs Syndrome (4-2) v 2AP (2-4)
Talk about acquiring someone at the perfect time... BTJ was struggling, Downs trades for him and then boom - he has a big week. Who did Downs trade? Well, he gave up Jayden Daniels and Pacheco. What did the Daniels trade do for his team? Clear the path for Drake Maye - who coming into his own. It has worked out very well for Downs (and for BEKH). On the flip side, some might say he was distracted this week... but it was not the best showing for 2AP. This team is going to be dependent on their RB consistency - which is not a good thing. Chase is finding himself, which is good - but it is going to come down to the RB's.
Prediction: 1st Downs Syndrome... RIGHT!!
Mystery Guest: 2AP... WRONG!!
Indiana Jones (2-4) v Cleveland Streamers* (2-4)
This matchup is the definition of very different 2-4 teams. One team, Indiana Jones, is feeling good about what is happening - Danny Dimes is a force in the Indy offense. Josh Jacobs is a beast. If anyone else shows up, this team is not too shabby - this week it was Goedert. On the flip side, Streamers is a team grasping at straws to keep it together. Fields is a boom or bust QB... although this week looks bad, remember he was in London and playing against a top 3 defense. The nice part is, Jefferson and Mason now have their bye weeks done and they are looking toward a full season without any interruptions.
Prediction: Indiana Jones... RIGHT!!
Mystery Guest: Indiana Jones... RIGHT!!
Cocaine Cowboys (5-1) v Slender TDs** (2-4)
Uhhhh Matrick Pahomes is really good at the game of football. He is also really good at fantasy football... but he was all that Slender had going this week. Even Puka scored less than 5 points (and he is still ranked 1st overall as WR). MHJ has been a bit of a bust, which is really hurting the chances for a consistent lineup. Slender might have the most inconsistent team up to this point. Slender has 3 weeks higher than 135 points and 3 weeks less than 107 points... that is nearly 30 points different. Essentially, when you play Slender - it is going to come down to which team are they going to be?
Prediction: Slender TDs... WRONG!!
Mystery Guest: Slender TDs... WRONG!!
Season Prediction: 29-13
Mystery Guest: 20-22
With Love
Commish
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