Week 10 Results

Soooooooooooo..... every week I list the games in the NFL on the whiteboard. I pick who I think is going to win each game and then some senior boys write their initials for their picks. Usually, it goes back and forth between who wins the most games - winner gets a Gatorade. Neither here nor there. Although, one things has stood out....

Three weeks ago, the Carolina Panthers played the Houston Texans. Everyone and their mother picked the Texans to win the game. In fact, one senior actually wrote "They are terrible!" next to the Carolina Panthers. Guess who won that game? The Carolina Panthers

Earlier this week, that same senior wrote "This game is a lock!" next to the Tennessee Titans... they lost to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

Just wait, two times is coincidence - but three?

Then before the MNF game, someone wanted to test the jinxing theory and they wrote "This game is a lock!" next to the Buffalo Bills. In fact, I pointed it out to the seniors in homeroom and everyone agreed that if the jinx is real - Denver would somehow win. Did you watch the game?!?!?!? The Bills should have won - it was literally in her mouth and the kids walked in. 

Jinxed.

Matchup of the Week

Gluten Douches (2-8) v Ankle Holster (4-6)

Well, well, well. Looks like we got ourselves a little upset in the building. Ekeler finally remembered how to play football and the Atlanta Falcons started to give their best player the ball more often. However, T. Lawrence really screwed the pooch and even though the Douches won this week - Lawrence lost the matchup to Love and ended costing GD's manager $5. Plenty of "if's" "and's" or "but's" with players on Ankle Holster's bench that could have played and won the matchup for them. If I were him, I would stay up all night just thinking about the opportunity that slipped away this week.

Prediction: Gluten Douches... RIGHT!!

Mystery Guest: Ankle Holster.... WRONG!!

Njigbas in Paris*** (7-3) v Hoosier Daddy (4-6)

Well, it seems that Njigbas in Paris were a little upset that all the talk of the league was about Titties....

"How's about some chattin' about the field Njigbas?"

Okay, okay - I will buy a couple Njigbas for around the house. Specifically, I would purchase K. Allen and A. St. Brown. Those wide receivers know how to play football and their offenses move the ball. The pass catchers will be what carries this squad deep in the playoffs.

Prediction: Njigbas in Paris... RIGHT!!

Mystery Guest: Njigbas in Paris... RIGHT!

No Time for Love (6-4) v East/West TD's** (6-4)

Who would have thought that a team with their kicker wins a matchup and also beats out 7 other teams... wild. It does help that he also had Kamara who scored nearly 20 and 3 others that scored nearly 15 points. A thing consistency is big right now - and Titties is now facing a 2 games losing streak. Run CMC did his job, buuuuuuuuttttttt nobody else did. The 49ers defense made the Jacksonville offense look lost - and that includes Etienne. Titties will need to bounce back quickly, things are quickly unraveling.

Prediction: East/West TD's... WRONG!!

Mystery Guest: No Time for Love.... RIGHT!!

Aaron Rodgers Blows Llams* (6-4) v Insert Team Name Here (5-5)

If there was a week to play ARBL it may have been this week. They welcome back Hurts and Jefferson next week and it looks like they will be at full strength. That makes this team a little more scary with Hurts/Jefferson/Taylor and the 49ers defense. The problem after that for ARBL is it is a complete crapshoot who else to play. For Team Name, this is a big win - keeping them completely in the middle of the race for the playoffs. It is always nice to secure a win when you have no player scoring above 20 points - that shows the consistency of your lineup. Do I sense a QB battle between K1 and Baker???

Prediction: Aaron Rodgers Blows Llams... WRONG!!

Mystery Guest: Aaron Rodgers Blows Llams... WRONG!!

The J-Bones** (5-5) v I Miss Tom Brady (5-5)

Where did the middle part of The J-Bones lineup go?!?!? Herbert scores 28 points and Foreman gets 17 points - but everybody in between stayed below 10 points. Also, I would like to take a little credit for the QB swap (even though I may had nothing to do with it). I did write about how I did not like the Geno Smith play and he went with Josh Dobbs... who did outscore Geno (by less than 2 points). Mattison did struggle Singletary picked up the slack.

Prediction: The J-Bones... WRONG!!

Mystery Guest: The J-Bones... WRONG!!

Handy Rudgins (4-6) v Ertz when Eifert (5-5)

It is funny that a team that has a losing record has scored more than 120 points in 3 of the last 4 weeks. The week that he did not reach that benchmark, he scored 80 points. Even further, 2 of the last 3 weeks he has scored more than 145 points. When they are hot, they are hot.... catch him on a cold week and you are golden. On the flip side, Ertz had some big weeks from some unexpected names... Brian Robinson and Tyler Lockett. Some of you might be thinking, Lockett is a fairly big name? Not this year. He is not even a top 20 wide receiver, and has nearly double the amount of times less than 10 points than more than 20 points. However, this week - he came up big.... just happen to catch Handy on the wrong week.

Prediction: Handy Rudgins... RIGHT!!

Mystery Guest: Handy Rudgins... RIGHT!!

I Hate Chad G (4-6) v PEN15 Wrinkle* (7-3)

Is there a hotter stack than Prescott and Lamb? No. To think that Wrinkle scored 135 points with 3 points from King Henry. Not that it was really needed, Team Hatred struggled this week... not even breaking 90 total points. It is amazing the rawdogging that Wrinkle complained happened to him after the draft and here he is sitting atop the Limp Bizkit division. Hell, I would get rawdogged for one win, let alone top of the division, right about now!!

Prediction: PEN15 Wrinkle... RIGHT!!

Mystery Guest: PEN15 Wrinkle... RIGHT!!

With Love

Commish

Season: 32-38

Mystery Guest: 38-32

GD Top Drafted RB: J. Jacobs - 145.5 points

AH Top Drafted RB: B. Hall - 120 points

Week 10 Predictions

With the season winding down and the playoff race heating up, some of you may find yourself looking at the standings on the league page. A few things to note - the Gluten Douches are not officially eliminated... it does still say 1% chance!!! Which does mean they need to win out and probably have some help along the way. Other than that, there are still a slew of teams with chances between 25% and 50% to make it and 4 teams with above 90% chance to make it in. The race is wiiiiide open and it should be an exciting final 5 weeks.

We will start the countdown and scenarios at 4 weeks to go - but for now let me regal you with a little story about a skinny white boy, who worked for the local airport security, and his love life. His ex-girlfriend Marnie was a total b*tch and at best a 3 (with the lights off) - but for whatever reason our hero Kirk tried to get back with her. As fate would have it, a bonafide 10 walks through the airport and leaves her phone - here enters our hero. He picks up and arranges to meet with Molly (banging hottie) to return, sometime later she actually asks him out. Wait whhhhaaat??? I sh*t you not. This bozo is about to reach the promise land of a legitimate 10 - pretty sure he might prematurely handle his business or some sort. He begins to doubt his chances with her and then things fall apart. But wait????? There is more!

He goes back after the girl and they make beautiful love - none that gets witnesses.... but I am sure you could do a quick Google search and find your own final scene if you really wanted. Nonetheless, this little fable is told to remind you good looking fantasy football teams that eventually you are going to end up with the skinny, nerdy, airport security guy and eventually they are gonna f*ck you.

Be careful up there on your high throne - you all gotta come down to the mud with losers at some point.

Matchup of the Week

Gluten Douches (1-8) v Ankle Holster (4-5)

"Sensei vs Mystery Guest"

QB: T. Lawrence v J. Love

Edge: T. Lawrence

Reasoning: Peyton Manny Jr. is going to obliterate J. Love. The Packers offense has been abysmal and Love may be the reason for those struggles. It also doesn't help that Love has to play against Pittsburgh defense - who gets 10 days of rest and preparation this week.

RB: Bijan/Ekeler v Hall/Cook

Edge: Bijan/Ekeler

Reasoning: Let's be honest, Bijan and the Atlanta offense has been a complete let down as of late. I hear reports all the time about how good he is and that they want to protect him - but you have to give him the ball for him to show how good he is!!! As lackluster as Bijan has been (which he is still ranked 13th), Ekeler can be just as good! Detroit has a good defense.... passing defense - they are not known for shutting down the running backs. Look for Ekeler to have a big game this week.

WR: Adams/Thomas v Diggs/Doubs

Edge: Diggs/Doubs

Reasoning: If this matchup were three years ago - easily the edge goes to Adams and Thomas. Unfortunately, it isn't and Diggs is the clear runaway favorite in this matchup. Thomas is pretty touchdown dependent in an offense that looks pretty focused on getting Kamara the ball. Adams is lost in a horrible Las Vegas offense. On the flip side, Diggs is Allen's butt buddy and Doubs plays for team that is losing most games and will need to throw the ball to keep up.

TE: Engram v African Name

Edge: Engram

Reasoning: I don't want to write that other guy's name.

FLEX: Boyd v Jacobs

Edge: Jacobs

Reasoning: As bad as Las Vegas' offense is, Josh Jacobs is the only thing that keeps them in the games. They need him to touch the ball 15-20 times a game and that kind of opportunity is too valuable. Unless Boyd scores - this is Jacobs matchup.

DEF/K: Raiders/Folk v Colts/Dicker

Edge: Dicker/Colts

Reasoning: The Raiders have the best matchup for a defense - but saying Dicker the Kicker is too fun!

Prediction: Gluten Douches

Mystery Guest: Ankle Holster

Njigbas in Paris** (6-3) v Hoosier Daddy (4-5)

Don't get me wrong this matchup is still slanted towards Njigbas - but just imagine what it would look like if they weren't missing the Tua/Hill stack and Dallas Goedert is also on a bye. Nonetheless, Allen and St. Brown are no slouches at WR and Stroud has been playing like a top 10 QB. On the flip side, Hoosier Daddy is going with a two TE lineup: LaPorta and Hill. LaPorta is a top 5 TE - and he is apart of a Detroit offense that looks really good (feels weird typing that sentence). Hill is a gadget player - but he has been apart a touchdown play the last three weeks (throwing/rushing). I don't think it will be enough to close the gap with Njigbas - but I am interested to see if he can score again this week.

Prediction: Njigbas in Paris

Mystery Guest: Njigbas in Paris

No Time for Love (5-4) v East/West TD's** (6-3)

Titties welcome back CMC and Etienne to the lineup. This is a huge benefit to the team - they are the 1st and 3rd ranked running backs in the league. The bigger issue is: Who do you start at QB if you are the Titties? Minshew v New England or Young v Chicago. I know which way I would be leaning - but it is probably a coin flip either way. On the flip side, Allen and Kamara are going to try and carry the squad to the victory. It is going to take at least one touchdown toss to Gabe Davis to keep this close - it could happen... but smart money is on the Titties for the win.

Prediction: East/West TD's

Mystery Guest: No Time for Love

Aaron Rodgers Blows Llams* (6-3) v Insert Team Name Here (4-5)

This was a real conversation that I had this morning with a student....

Student: "Tonight's game (TNF) features the two worst teams in the NFL."

Me: "You think so?"

Student: "Yeah, most definitely. Maybe you could throw the Cardinals down there, but now K1 is going to ball out - so they are probably better."

Me: "Who is K1?"

Student: "Kyler Murray, you know K and then his number. He is most known for his ability to stay on the field."

It was at that point, that I realized he was joking about Kyler Murray and that only solidified my selection of ARBL.

Prediction: Aaron Rodgers Blows Llams

Mystery Guest: Aaron Rodgers Blows Llams

The J-Bones** (5-4) v I Miss Tom Brady (4-5)

If this were Shark Tank and these lineups were business ideas that are pitched to me, The Sharkiest of Sharks. I Miss TB12 would start off his pitch...

"Good morning Sharks, I have a terrific business proposal for all of you. I have Geno Smith and Alexander Mattison leading the way for the squad. I also ha...."

"Excuse me, did you say Geno Smith and Alexander Mattison?"

"Yes, I did"

"For that reason, I am out."

The J-Bones proposal would go like this...

"Good morning Sharks, I have a terrific business proposal for all of you. I have Just Herbert and Tony Pollard leading the way." (a quick pause expecting something to be said) "I also have McLaurin going against a weak Seattle secondary and we are welcoming back James Conner."

"I gotta be honest Mr. Boner, can I call you Mr. Boner? I don't love it - but there is something at work here. Talk to me about your defense."

"Well, I am glad you brought that up - I have the Cowboys defense going against the New York Giants."

"Say no more, for that reason - I AM IN!"

Prediction: The J-Bones

Mystery Guest: The J-Bones

Handy Rudgins (3-6) v Ertz when Eifert (5-4)

I am going to work under the assumption that both teams will adjust their lineups and make sure they are full - with that assumption I love Handy Rudgins and the opportunity to get a much needed win this week. The Bengals going against Houston - which only means big things for Burrow and Chase. Gibbs (who needs put in the lineup) gets to play a terrible Chargers run defense. Honestly, I don't even mind a nice Hubbard play against Chicago - if he pis put in the lineup in time. On the flip side, there is a lot of distrust in the players for Eifert and their matchups. Shultz played very well last week - can he do it two times in a row? Jackson has been playing top notch football - but now he has the Cleveland front four, and they have been scary. Look for Rudgins to provide a full starting lineup and get the win.

Prediction: Handy Rudgins

Mystery Guest: Handy Rudgins

I Hate Chad G (4-5) v PEN15 Wrinkle* (6-3)

There are some decisions to be made on the Team Hatred side in terms of who to play and not play. Will it matter? Probably not. Prescott and Lamb get to play the NYG - and this could be a field day. We could see 60+ points from those two alone. After that, they only need 40 more points to beat the Team Hatred average weekly score. Look for Wrinkle to lock up a big win and really shoot their chances of getting into the playoffs into the high 90's.

Prediction: PEN15 Wrinkle

Mystery Guest: PEN15 Wrinkle

As always... good luck to everyone... except for you, Ankle Holster, may your entire roster turn into a body double and forget how to play football - eerily similar to the fate of Demar Hamlin.

With Love

Commish

Week 9 Results

Well, eff Fantasy Football. I don't want to make this blog about the Gluten Douches - and to be fair, soon their matchups won't matter... but d*mn, talk about getting effed. 

Another matchup against the belt winner.

Not that it matters anyway - but do remember that once your team is eliminated from the playoff running, everything is locked on your roster - no dropping/trading... you can spoiler and that is about it.

Matchup of the Week

East/West TD's** (6-3) v Njigbas in Paris** (6-3)

This MotW was a good matchup any other week - but this week. With Titties being a completely different team this week due to bye weeks, it was not the high caliber matchup we might see in the playoffs. Nonetheless, Njigbas took this win and ran.... like they were running from the cops (see what I did there). 

Prediction: Njigbas in Paris... RIGHT!!

Mystery Guest: Njigbas in Paris... RIGHT!!

Gluten Douches (1-8) v PEN15 Wrinkle* (6-3)

Yup, the Douches suck. They suck really bad - on the flip side, Wrinkle's team has come a long way from getting fist f*cked in the draft. As long as Dak keeps throwing the ball to Mr. 88 - his team will be a tough matchup every week. Not to mention, he follows that stack up with King Henry and Marky Mark Andrews. This team has legitimate studs that have high floors.

Prediction: Gluten Douches... WRONG!!

Mystery Guest: Gluten Douches... WRONG!!

Hoosier Daddy (4-5) v I HATE CHAD G (4-5)

This was an extremely underwhelming matchup... but somebody had to win. Think about this... these QB combined for 15.04 points... COMBINED!!! There were only 6 players between both starting lineups to score in double digits... and of those 6 players - 3 scored more than 15 points. But hey, once again - someone has to win!

Prediction: I Hate Chad G... WRONG!!

Mystery Guest: I Hate Chad G... WRONG!!

Insert Team Name Here (4-5) v Time for Love (5-4)

In a week of underwhelming performances, it is nice to know that you could have 6 starters in the doubles digits. Team Name had just that... their lowest scorer? George Pickens - a player they just traded for. To be fair, he may not be needed in the future - or he may make a big play - but for now this week did not work out.

Prediction: No Time for Love... WRONG!!

Mystery Guest: Insert Team Name Here... RIGHT!!

I Miss Tom Brady (4-5) v Aaron Rodger Blows Llama* (6-3)

What a play by ARBL - going with Jonnu Smith! 21 points and ranking as the 5th best TE this week and only beat by the likes of Schultz/Kmet/Otton/Fergusson - not exactly your household TE's. That is stellar GM'ing right there. Honestly, this was a rough week all-around for fantasy and managing to score 127 points is a terrific score - really flexing their muscles!

Prediction: I Miss Tom Brady... WRONG!!

Mystery Guest: Aaron Rodgers Blows Llams.... RIGHT!!

Ertz when Eifert (5-4) v The J-Bones (5-4)

As of this writing - The J-Bones are sitting at 46 points and the MNF game is going on, Herbert is playing for The J-Bones. Why does this matter? The current all time low is 45.66 and to stay in the top 5 The J-Bones would need to finish less than 54.7 points. I will write this paragraph live....

1st Drive for Chargers - 0 points for Herbert

7-0 Chargers score with a punt return - 0 points for Herbert

2nd drive for Chargers - .44 points for Herbert

3rd drive for Chargers - 1.32 points for Herbert (this will obviously stop once The J-Bones pass 54.7 points)

End of the 1st quarter

4th drive for Chargers - 2.12 points for Herbert

5th drive for Chargers - 2.12 points for Herbert

6th drive for Chargers - 2.12 points for Herbert

7th drive for Chargers - 2.64 points for Herbert

8th drive for Chargers - 3.48 points for Herbert

End of 1st Half

9th drive for Chargers - 3.64 points for Herbert

10th drive for Chargers - 4.88 points for Herbert

End of 3rd quarter

10th drive for Chargers - 7.14 points

Gotta be honest about this point I have started nodding off and on

Annnnndddd.... we have a new 5th all-time lowest score!!

Prediction: Ertz when Eifert... RIGHT!!

Mystery Guest: The J-Bones... WRONG!!

Ankle Holster (4-5) v Handy Rudgins (3-6)

Prior to this meeting Ankle Holster said, "Breece Hall is going off this week." He had 10 points - the Jets just aren't good and it kills anyone in that offense. Luckily, it didn't matter and Ankle Holster still got the win thanks to Josh Jacobs and the Colts defense combining for 48 points - throw in the kicker and those 3 combined beat The J-Bones entire week.

Prediction: Handy Rudgins... WRONG!!

Mystery Guest: Ankle Holster... RIGHT!!

With Love

Commish

Season: 28-35

Mystery Guest: 34-29

GD Top Drafted RB: J. Jacobs (132.8)

AH Top Drafted RB: B. Hall (110.2)

Week 9 Predictions

Last week flipped the league upside and let everyone know that no one is safe....

Of the 7 matchups...

5 were won by the underdog team.... based upon records

1 matchup was one by a team with the same record as the opponent

1 matchup was one by the favored team

The belt was one by HANDY MOTHAF*CKIN' RUDGINS!!

If last week has anything to say about this league... nobody is out of the playoff race - not even the Gluten Douches. There are still 6 weeks left and it is quite possible that a team with a losing record will make the playoffs. As it stands...

There are 5 teams that sit at 5-3.... 2nd behind East/West TD's at 6-2. Assuming all 5 teams make it.... not very likely. That is 6 teams in the playoffs and that leaves 2 spots for teams at .500 or below. That also means that 8 teams are within 3 games of each other and 13 teams are within 4 games of each other. Every year there is always a team that emerges from the bottom - looking like Handy Rudgins might be that team - and a team that falls from the top - looking like it could be one of a couple teams.

I can not wait for the race to get tighter and tighter and we start to eliminate teams from the race (even though it is most likely to be my team that is dropped out of the race).

Matchup of the Week

East/West TD's** (6-2) v Njigbas in Paris** (5-3)

This is the matchup of all matchups. The Paul v Mayweather. The McGregor v Khabib. The Primary v Secondary. This is the top 2 teams, leaders in each division, in points scored. The winner of this matchup will have bragging rights (for at least the next week)...

QB: Young v Taguvioauslkdauoiudlaskldi

Edge: Tagosudadlfabfaoweisdla

Reasoning: Young is going to be good.... the key word is "going." Carolina has mediocre weapons - but they are still not the juggernaut offense that Miami has and the weapons they have. Things would have been much different if Cousins didn't tear his achilles - but the edge would still go to Tua.

RB: Dillon/Dowdle v White/Robinson

Edge: White/Robinson

Reasoning: Remember when this matchup was billed as the cream of the crop? Yeah, not so much. We are getting the Junior Varsity Team from Titties... which is a huge benefit to Njigbas. This is the area that Titties would normally excel in... instead CMC and Etienne are on the bye. Which means that White and Robinson somehow get the edge - which is not by much over the backups for Titties.

WR: Hollywood/Puka v Hill/Allen

Edge: Hill/Allen

Reasoning: Do you really need a reasoning for this?

TE: Waller v Goedert

Edge: Goedert

Reasoning: Well, normally I give Waller the edge because Goedert plays against Dallas.... however, I am not sure what the Giants are doing at QB. This means at the moment - I don't even know who is commanding the offense for New York. Goedert should still be in line for a decent game - should get some dump down looks with the pressure put on the QB by Dallas defense.

FLEX: Johnson v Collins

Edge: Collins

Reasoning: See the TE battle... no clue who is playing QB for Pittsburgh and they have a shortened week to prepare for it. Truthfully, even if Pickett was playing - I would not trust Johnson. It is unbelievable how good this Pitt defense is and how much of a waste this offense is. Brutal

DEF/K: Ravens/Younghoe v Browns/Grupe

Edge: Browns/Grupe

Reasoning: As much as I love Young Hoes.... the Browns are playing Arizona. Not only would that be a good match, but the icing on top of the cake is the fact that Arizona traded their starting QB - which means they will be playing your long lost cousin at QB against Myles Garrett... and he almost killed a guy... on the football field.

Prediction: Njigbas in Paris

Mystery Guest: Njigbas in Paris

Gluten Douches (1-7) v PEN15 Wrinkle (5-3)

The Douches won last week and they are looking to build on that win - especially against a team who supposedly got screwed in the draft.... WHEN HE AUTODRAFTED!! This mothaf*cka accused everyone and their mother of screwing them over when he didn't even have the nerve to hop online and draft his own d*mn team. He said, "I was being present with my family." Screw that bullsh*t. Don't bring your sappy, dappy - getting poon three times a week - life story in my house. You will suffer with the rest of us as we disregard our families for the 3/4 days a week and watch football. For that reason and that reason alone - I will be riding with the Douches for lyfe.

Prediction: Gluten Douches

Mystery Guest: Gluten Douches

Hoosier Daddy (3-5) v I Hate Chad G (4-4)

I am very interested to see where this Will Levis train goes... man looked great last week. It also helped that D-Hop decided to have 4 catches and turn 3 of those into touchdowns. I think he could live up to the hype - but I also think, he is going to have rough games. Games where he will face an elite defense that loves to get after the quarterback and put pressure in his grill. Game where he will face free-flowing safeties that will watch his eyes and he will be forced to make some bad decisions. Games like this week. Pittsburgh is going to turn-up the heat on Levis... and it could get ugly.

Prediction: I Hate Chad G

Mystery Guest: I Hate Chad G

Insert Team Name Here (3-5) v No Time for Love (5-3)

I am just going to be completely up front - the options for Team Name at QB are thin.....

Kenny Pickett - but I seriously doubt he will be ready to go, and if he does - who knows how long he will last

Zach Wilson - puke in the mouth

Danny Dimes - Surely, NYG is not going to trot out the suburban dad again

Taylor Heinicke - THIS WOULD BE MY CHOICE - WHICH IS VERY SAD 

Mac Jones - He could barely keep the job - and not many people could have named his backup

Jaren Hall/Tyson Bagent/PJ Walker/Aiden O'Connell/Clayton Tune - All backups and only playing due to injury

Until this problem is fixed - I gotta go with No Time for Love.

Prediction: No Time for Love

Mystery Guest: Insert Team Name Here

I Miss Tom Brady (4-4) v Aaron Rodgers Blows Llams* (5-3)

Jalen Hurts faces Dallas Defense.

Patrick Mahomes faces Miami Defense.

I am not normally a one-issue voter, or a voter in general, but this is it. Sometimes it really is just that simple.

Prediction: I Miss Tom Brady

Mystery Guest: Aaron Rodgers Blows Llams

It Ertz when Eifert (4-4) v The J-Bones** (5-3)

This going to be a little against the grain here - but I really do like some of the matchups that Ertz/Eifert have in their lineup. I think that Jackson is going have a field day with the Seattle defense - which has proven to be very underwhelming. I truly do not trust anything out of Tampa Bay these days - which is a good sign for Pierce and Shultz. One of the biggest bonuses I see is Pittsburgh defense going against Tennessee on a shortened week. Typically, the Pittsburgh defense performs very well on shortened weeks - they have only one loss since 2006 and you can only guess that the defense is going to want to keep it that way.

Prediction: It Ertz when Eifert

Mystery Guest: The J-Bones

Ankle Holster (3-5) v Handy Rudgins* (3-5)

The signs...

This morning I had breakfast with 72 junior high students...

Signs...

Josh Jacobs changed his number to 8 this year...

Signs, Signs...

72/8 = 9.... Ja'Marr Chase is projected for 9 catches this week...

Signs, Signs...

Joe Burrow is number 9...

Signs - everywhere

Number 9 - everywhere....

Demar Hamlin went down at 9:09...

Number 9 - everywhere....

Handy Rudgins wins by 9....

It was always the signs....

Prediction: Handy Rudgins

Mystery Guest: Ankle Holster

As always... good luck to everyone... except for you, PEN15 Wrinkle, may your entire roster turn into a body double and forget how to play football eerily similar to the fate of Demar Hamlin.

With Love 

Commish

Week 8 Results

I mean.... everyone is expecting this - but it is about d*mn time! We officially have no winless team in the league - which means that a cigar can finally be lit. You can be a bad team and still get a win... hell, even Southern Wells football won a game. But let's not focus on the bottom of the league... or just one team - let's focus on the big picture....

There are 8 teams that are sitting at .500 or worse for the season. 

There are 6 teams that are sitting at .500 or better for the season.

There are 8 teams that will make the playoffs.

Which means that currently 2 teams from the .500 or worse category will make the playoffs - so you are saying there's a chance!!

On top of that....

The past two years have featured a team that was ranked 6th in the playoffs making it to the Championship.

On top of that....

The 6th seed in the playoffs has played the 1st seed in the championship and is 1-1.

So you either want to be the top dawg or you want to sneak into the 6th seed.

Matchup of the Week

I Hate Chad G (4-4) v East/West TD's** (6-2)

I mean nobody is shocked by this result - not even Team Hatred. This was like Thanos... inevitable. However, if these two teams played again next week (which they don't) - it may be a little different. Titties has now lost their QB and will need to turn to Bryce Young. It shouldn't matter that much, considering they are rocking CMC and Etienne at running back - the 1 and 2 ranked RB's in the league. On the flip side, Hopkins had a huge game.... on the bench. The Will Levis train is leaving the station and Hopkins may become a weekly starter with Big Thrill Will throwing the ball.

Prediction: East/West TD's... RIGHT!!

Mystery Guest: East/West TD's... RIGHT!!

Gluten Douches (1-7) v Hoosier Daddy (4-4)

Don't look now... The Douches are coming for you. Can you imagine if that was an actual Halloween movie? A bunch of douches just chasing around people and the penetrating them once they are caught - honestly, in today's world this is a multimillion dollar movie. I might produce it if the GD's make the playoffs - but it is going to take more than just this week and Hoosier Daddy might need to be on the teams that keep falling. The big error coming with playing the wrong N.O. Saints player - Olave - who informed everyone he played for the Saints in a recent video was the lowest of the trio... the other two? On the bench.

Prediction: Gluten Douches... RIGHT!!

Mystery Guest: Hoosier Daddy... WRONG!!

Njigbas in Paris** (5-3) v Insert Team Name Here (3-5)

The Njigbas made a nice little run - but ultimately they just weren't fast enough... ironic. You have to wonder if things would have been different if they had known who their fathers were throughout their childhood. Or maybe if they stopped trying to look rich while being broke and instead stayed rich while looking broke. Or even if they traded their orange suits for some business suits. 

Just maybe then they would have made it.

Prediction: Njigbas in Paris... WRONG!!

Mystery Guest: Njigbas in Paris... WRONG!!

No Time for Love (5-3) v I Miss Tom Brady (4-4)

It is a shame the name reference does not correlate to success for the actual player. As bad as Jordan Love has been, No Time for Love was that good this week. Kamara has been well worth the wait and is averaging nearly 20 points a week - and that is on a Saints team that doesn't look that strong. On the flip side, TB12 is going to look at this week and question everything in life. How can Denver's defense hold Mahomes and Pacheco to a combined 12.3 points - most running backs scored that by themselves against this defense.

Prediction: No Time for Love... RIGHT!!

Mystery Guest: No time for Love... RIGHT!!

Aaron Rodgers Blows Llams (5-3) v Ertz when Eifert (4-4)

If there was ever a question about who is the number one receiver in Philadelphia - it is very clear. After that, Lockett and Kittle had a good week and sometimes that is all it takes. On the flip side, ARBL needs to find some help in the WR department - because Moore and Powell are not getting it done. As long as Fields is out, Moore's production value will be low. Moss and Taylor have represented good value while still playing both - reminiscent of Chubb and Hunt a few years back.

Prediction: Ertz when Eifert... RIGHT!!

Mystery Guest: Aaron Rodgers Blows Llams... WRONG!!

The J-Bones** (5-3) v Ankle Holster (3-5)

Look at this, you can still win playing a positional player against your own defense in the Monday Night Football game. Ankle Holster needed roughly 17 points in the MNF game and had the decision of who to keep in... Josh Jacobs by himself or include the Detroit Lions Defense (who just scored -2 the week before). He played both and both played very well. Jacobs was pretty much the entire Raiders offense - which wasn't much and Detroit was able to score 14 as a defense. Solid performance and one that was needed. On the flip side, The J-Bones really felt the Chubb injury this week with Pollard and Foreman really struggling. Everyone else did their job - and then some, but the RB's dropped the ball... guess that is why they are RB's.

Prediction: The J-Bones... WRONG!!

Mystery Guest: Ankle Holster... RIGHT!!

Handy Rudgins* (3-5) v PEN15 Wrinkle (5-3)

Look at this, look at this.... Handy is turning the league upside down. Once the laughing stock of the league (along with Gluten Douches) and now the belt holder. All of that, and this with playing his 3rd best QB. Gibbs looked amazing in MNF and looks like he is going to be the guy in Detroit - which makes this team scary. If Burrow and Chase continue at this pace - this team is looking like a serious contender. On the flip side, can you imagine score 138 points and still losing? Must have been f*cked by the draft.

Prediction: Handy Rudgins... RIGHT!!

Mystery Guest: Handy Rudgins... RIGHT!!

With Love

Commish

Season: 26-30

Mystery Guest: 30-26

GD Top Drafted RB: K. Williams (111.1)

AH Top Drafted RB: B. Hall (100.2)

Week 8 Predictions

We are now at the halfway point in the season... let's take a look at where everything stands.

Top Team in the League: East/West TD's

There are 5 teams sitting at 5-2.... FIVE!! That is a wild stat by itself. However, of those 5 teams - I would not want to play Titties the most. They have deep lineup and they always seems to score points. They have scored over 150 points over half the time they play. They have big-time players who are focal points of their respective teams offenses.

Team Most Likely to Miss the Playoffs: Gluten Douches

It pains me to say this.... but they haven't won. They have a great looking lineup, but when you don't win - you can't make the playoffs. They do finish the season with 5 teams that have a below .500 record - but it might be too little too late. They may need to run the table to even have a chance. Mathematically, they sit at a 2% chance on ESPN - which bullsh*t (clearly more like 8%).

Team Most Likely to Collapse: The J-Bones

I said it before and I will say it again... I am shocked The J-Bones are where they are. They are one of the teams sitting at 5-2 and they are doing this without Nick Chubb and Mike Williams. Both of those players were expected to be huge contributors - props to The J-Bones for doing this well. However, it is extremely hard to sustain that pace without your top drafted dawgs... it could happen - not betting on it.

Team Most Likely to Make a Blockbuster Trade: Handy Rudgins

Handy Rudgins is in a unique position - they have pieces to the puzzle and are not out of the race. But they are just far enough away - that they will need to decide if they want to make a swing and go for it or if they are just going to ride it out into the sunset. They enough players that they could make a big trade and bolster the consistency of the starting lineup - which is what may need to happen in order to make the playoffs.

Remember, it is the top 8 that make it - you just gotta beat out 6 teams. Currently, if you have a winning record - you are making it. A lot can change in the last half of the season, but may the odds forever be in your favor!

Matchup of the Week

I Hate Chad G (4-3) v East/West TD's** (5-2)

I get it, I get it - Team Hatred has been in the MotW two weeks in row. Well guess what, this isn't America were everyone get a fair share and let anybody be int he MotW. Nah, f*ck that - you gotta earn it. East/West is the best team in the league right now - they earned it.

QB: Stafford v Cousins

Edge: Cousins

Reasoning: Besides the fact that Cousins and Vikings offense have to throw the ball 45+ times a game to get anything done - Stafford is playing Dallas. Dallas has been known to turn-up the heat on opposing QBs and they are coming off a bye week - plenty of time to prepare. 

RB: Barkley/Walker v McCaffrey/Etienne

Edge: McCaffrey/Etienne

Reasoning: CMC is Ruler of all things Fantasy Football.

WR: Waddle/Meyers v Hollywood/Puka

Edge: Waddle/Meyers

Reasoning: Did you read the QB ordeal? Puka is the best rated wide receiver in the bunch... but they have to play Dallas. Hate that matchup. Hollywood also has a matchup with Baltimore - Hate that matchup. This is just a matter of unfriendly matchups not playing in their favor.

TE: Pitts v Waller

Edge: Waller

Reasoning: I hate the Atlanta Falcons offense.... absolutely hate. You never who to trust and you never know who is going to play. On top of that Waller is finally becoming recognized in the NYG offense. Waller is averaging 15 points over that past three weeks - look for that trend to continue against the NYJ defense (who is strong on the outside and they force QBs to dump down and hit TE's).

FLEX: Pittman v Johnson

Edge: Pittman

Reasoning: Johnson is just getting back aaaaaannnndddd Pittsburgh offense is horrible. Minshew is not Richardson - he is better for his receivers. AR likes to run and miss targets - Minshew is little more accurate and he realizes that Pittman is the go-to guy. 

DEF/K: Eagles/Santos v Ravens/Younghoe

Edge: Ravens/Younghoe

Reasoning: I have always been a fan of young hoes.

Prediction: East/West Titties

Mystery Guest: East/West Titties

Gluten Douches (0-7) v Hoosier Daddy (3-4) 

You know what? Things will never change. I will always pick the Gluten Douches - shoot to get hot and shoot to stay hot. I have no reasoning, it hasn't worked yet, but when it does - it will be sweet.

Prediction: Gluten Douches

Mystery Guest: Hoosier Daddy

Njigbas in Paris** (5-2) v Insert Team Name Here (2-5)

You know when you see those juicy NFL matchups... something like Houston v San Francisco... and you just want to throw piles of money on to San Francisco - because it is a lock. Well, here you go - I will let you guess which team is San Francisco and which team is Houston.

Prediction: Njigbas in Paris

Mystery Guest: Njigbas in Paris

No Time for Love (4-3) v I Miss Tom Brady (4-3)

This is the only other matchup (other than the MotW) that features two teams with a winning record. Unfortunately, they got there two different ways. No Time for Love had a very nice week last week and they come into this week sporting the number one QB and TE. On top of that, Kamara is the 3rd ranked RB if you go by average per game (1 is on the IR and 2 is McCaffrey). This team is starting to come together and they will be making a push at the backhalf... if you know what I mean.

Prediction: No Time for Love

Mystery Guest: No Time for Love

Aaron Rodgers Blows Llams* (5-2) v It Ertz when Eifert (3-4)

Honestly, these two teams look much different than their records suggest. Ertz scored the 2nd most points last week and ARBL has quite a few players on the IR. I think that ARBL will be the better team when it is all said and done, but not this week. Not with Lamar getting to play Zona and AJB and Kittle have good matchups this week as well. Ertz gets the win, that they deserve.

Prediction: Ertz when Eifert

Mystery Guest: Aaron Rodgers Blows Llams

The J-Bones** (5-2) v Ankle Holster (2-5)

Wildly enough, The J-Bones are still really good. Foreman was a big pickup (atleast until Herbert comes back for the Bears) and this team is solid throughout. Actually, let's not beat around the bush - I am losing in picks and I know the Mystery Guest is going to pick Ankle Holster.... which means I need to pick The J-Bones. C'mon Boners!

Prediction: The J-Bones

Mystery Guest: Ankle Holster

Handy Rudgins (2-5) v PEN15 Wrinkle (5-2)

In a game of Rock/Paper/Scissors... a Handy always beats a PEN15.

Prediction: Handy Rudgins

Mystery Guest: Handy Rudgins

As always... good luck to everyone... except for you, Hoosier Daddy, may your entire roster turn into a body double and forget how to play football eerily similar to the fate of Demar Hamlin.

With Love

Commish

Week 7 Results

This is the point in time when I usually complain about how my team is getting screwed non-stop... but at this point we all get the picture. My team is bad, it is past the point of complaining - just flat-out, setting records, bad. The crazy part? Still not mathematically eliminated - which means there is still a chance. Is it a good chance? Hell no. 

It is like playing Russian Roulette - familiar? Only one chamber doesn't have a bullet - the rest are locked and loaded. Sound like fun? Nope, it isn't. Some teams are playing Russian Roulette with a cap gun - must be nice.

Matchup of the Week

I Hate Chad G (4-3) v Njigbas in Paris (5-2)

Well, the 49ers didn't look like the dominate 49ers a few weeks ago, but Jake Moody did what he needed to do - and they locked up the win for Njigbas. Both of these teams had a strong week and are looking like teams that could find themselves in the playoffs - this was a big match in terms of making a run for the top seed in their respective divisions. Njigbas is a solid team and got the win, with what even felt like an off-week for them - scary thought.

Prediction: Njigbas in Paris... RIGHT!!

Mystery Guest: Njigbas in Paris... RIGHT!!

Gluten Douches (0-7) v No Time for Love (4-3)

What a time to be alive! Love Time is enjoying it's best week yet... shocked? Not this guy. F*ck Taylor Swift. Once she started slanging that cave around, Kelce has been going nuts. Kamara is back and looks like a wide receiver out of the backfield. When Kamara plays football - it looks like he moving at half speed and doesn't have a care in the world and then he has a bunch of yards and receptions. On the flip side, there is no f*cking flip side.

Prediction: Gluten Douches... WRONG!!

Mystery Guest: No Time for Love... RIGHT!!

PEN15 Wrinkle (5-2) v The J-Bones** (5-2)

Can you just imagine how good The J-Bones would be with Nick Chubb and Mike Williams. They are sitting 5-2... and are looking like a serious contender for the title. Foreman and Downs were massive pickups - they will never be Chubb and Williams - but they did their role this week. On the flip side, PEN15 is still a solid team - this was never going to be their week. Their team comes together for the 2nd half of the season and they won't face nearly as many bye week issues.

Prediction: The J-Bones... RIGHT!!

Mystery Guest: The J-Bones... RIGHT!!

Handy Rudgins (2-5) v Aaron Rodgers Blows Llams* (5-2)

This one wasn't settled until the end of the MNF game.... but it was pretty much settled after Sunday's games. Handy Rudgins didn't have a single player score more than 20 points and still scored 120+ points. That is not a bad week at all - consistent throughout the entire lineup. On the flip side, JT has been looking more and more like the top RB in Indy and that could make this team a little more deadly. Once they move past the injuries and they have Jefferson back - this team is poised and ready for the playoffs.

Prediction: Handy Rudgins... RIGHT!!

Mystery Guest: Aaron Rodgers Blows Llams.... WRONG!!

Hoosier Daddy (3-4) v Ankle Holster (2-5)

Talk about a battle of the brutal. Two bad teams, like I am one to talk, battling it out and one takes home a much needed win. There is a big difference between being 3-4 and being 2-5. Hoosier Daddy will look to build on this momentum and keep it going next week against the pitiful Douches. On the flip side, Ankle Holster will need to find a way to get a win soon - or they might be facing quickly eliminated as well.

Prediction: Hoosier Daddy... RIGHT!!

Mystery Guest: Ankle Holster... WRONG!!

East/West TD's (5-2) v Ertz when Eifert (3-4)

You know what isn't fun? Scoring the 2nd most points in the week and still losing. Thanks to AJB and Lamar, Ertz would have beaten every other team in the league this week.... except Titties. Titties is my early favorite to win the whole league - they had 5 players score more than 20 points this week and 6 players inside the top 10 position rankings. This lineup is loaded and it is their league to win.

Prediction: East/West TDs... RIGHT!!

Mystery Guest: East/West TDs... RIGHT!!

Insert Team Name Here (2-5) v I Miss Tom Brady (4-3)

There are few teams that are already shaping up to miss the playoffs.... Insert Name is one of them. The problem is that this was a winnable matchup (outside of Mahomes). They just left too many points on the bench with Hunt/Palmer both scoring 15 points or more. On the flip side, Mahomes had himself a day and made a statement that the AFC West is and forever will be his. Outside of any player on the Chiefs, the team struggled.

Prediction: I Miss Tom Brady... RIGHT!!

Mystery Guest: Insert Team Name Here... WRONG!!

With Love

Commish

Season: 21-18

Mystery Guest: 26-23

GD Top Drafted RB: K. Williams (111.1)

AH Top Drafted RB: J. Cook (89.5)